Cold Holiday

 

You would be amazed with my family and how they could dampen the holidays. Aside from assembling the Christmas tree two days before Christmas and the Christmas meal we should have taken together, you would rather take your brains out than hear the endless complaining and sermons from the older generation of the family.

For starters, we did not ask for a grand meal. Our wishes were simple, that we could spend the holidays together and just be a family, well, maybe have a few of our favorite home-cooked dishes. No bickering, no backstabbing, no sarcastic remarks, just pure unadulterated family gathering, enjoying each other’s company.

As you could sense from my blog rant, I am not in a festive mood. Everybody’s tensed, laughter was limited, everybody is just so tired of… everybody... and everything. So yeah, happy new year.

Birthday Cake Pt. 2

My wish of having cakes on my birthday was fulfilled. I could not ask for more. I should be satisfied because I’ve said that as long as I have cakes on my birthday, it would be fine.

I’m not.

You see, I wished for a peaceful and simple and intimate birthday celebration with my family. I did get that at the eve of my birthday but on the day of my birthday, I can’t help but feel sad. I should blame my PMS but my birthday is just a realization that I haven’t grown well. That I have so much to learn and yet I want my life to end.

I’m so disappointed with my life and my family. We claim to be Christians but we don’t exemplify the qualities God wants us to  portray.

Before you continue reading, you must understand that I have no intention in besmirching the name of my family nor my relatives. I am merely stating the truth that is reveal in front of me. Should any of the words, phrases, or sentences were proven false, I’d gladly extract it from this blog. If proven true, it would remain.

Let me start with my mother and her siblings.

I was in high school when I saw the drift starting. The first time it dawned to me that the siblings were displaying the lust for money. It was normal for siblings to fight over money and have their ties destroyed by money. That happens in the world that we live in. everybody wants to be on top, everybody wants to be favored, everyone wants to be number one.

Then came college, the drift was farther than before. Backstabbing has been a way of life. One would toy with the each others’ emotions, One would say something bad about the other one just so he/she can be favored. I may have not seen a real war, but for me, this is one of the longest I’ve seen. Anyone would so anything to survive, even take sides. You are alone if you don’t have money. That’s how it is with my mother and her siblings (exclude the eldest). “Kapit sa patalim” Kung sino ang mayaman, doon lalapit, doon magpapabango, doon kakapit. Balimbing na kung balimbing.

What bothers me most is their relationship with each other. It has been governed by money. The way they see life is disconcerting. Their minds closed because of pride.

One thing I have been thankful for is my relationship with my cousins. Unlike my mother and her siblings, my cousins have open minds.

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I’m tired and it’s past my bed time.. my story is still unfinished, I have more to tell about my family, but it’s so depressing that I have to put it off for a while.

As usual, I’ll just sleep this off and distract myself. All I can do for now… is pray. Until I’m on my two feet again.

Birthday cake

I’m easy to please, just give me any kind of cake, I’d be happy.

It’s my birthday today and I don’t feel excited nor giddy. Frankly, I feel nauseous and sleepy, mainly, because it’s past 12 midnight. If you’re wondering how I spent my birthday… well, I haven’t spent it all yet. But my cousins and a friend came over to greet me and I have a cake, so I could say so far so good. I’m actually worried that I might not be able to sing properly tomorrow ( I have to sing for our church’s choir at 9am) because I lack sleep and… I lack sleep.

What I’d like to tell you about is the thing that is different to this year’s birthday. I took off the birthday visibility on my fb page because I want to know who really remembers. But, I know it will be pointless once people starts seeing other’s greetings on my timeline, still, some people don’t really loo at other’s posts or have no time to look at others’ posts so they rely on fb for birthdays.. I admit I’m one of those people, so it’s a bit hypocritical for me to do this. But I’m really curious what will happen. hehe.

I don’t know why am I blogging when I’m not in my right state of mind (not groggy) but I know that I will forget to blog this if I don’t blog this now. I’ll just add more later.

My birthday is  always a mixed emotion for me.. I feel blessed that I’m alive, but at the same time, I wish I’d die. *shrugs*

Am I depressed?

 

I think I have a mild depression problem, or I just think I have one?

Here are the classic symptoms according to WebMD and HelpGuide.org

• sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day
• loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite 
• insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day
• physically restless or rundown that is noticeable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt

 

It says that when you have at least five of those you have the classic major depression illness. Let’s see my checklist.

• Yes, I get depressed almost everyday especially when I’m home. I listen to music or read a book when I’m down.
• I couldn’t think of any “loss of enjoyment” at the moment, but I don’t think this symptom applies to me.
• Major change in weight? I have to check this with our measuring scale. But definitely loss in appetite. There are times when I don’t feel like eating.
• I oversleep almost everyday. For the past months, I have been late for work and I have been trying to wake up early, but I just can’t. I can’t help it.
• physically restless? Um, I don’t think so.. but I’m itching for a new job. I don’t think people will notice me either.
• fatigue, yes I feel tired, but it’s normal because I go to work.
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, and guilt almost everyday, yes. Proof? Look at my plurk updates.
• problems with concentration? yes. That is when you have social networks around you. I can make decisions. But I have very poor memory.
• recurring thoughts of suicide… yes. The only thing stopping me is my faith in Christ.

I guess I only have the mild case of depression… *shrugs*

Friday BS

 

I have to say that this is not about anyone’s bullshit that was made on a Friday. BS stands for Bible Study. I know you are about to click the exit button from the moment you saw the word “bible”. And I’m not sure if you have religious allergies or not, but I’m pretty sure you know where this is going.

First things first. What we have been discussing in our Bible Study these past weeks? It was about the Indescribable magnitude of God’s awesomeness. Our little human minds cannot fathom nor grasp the enormous knowledge thrust to us by our Heavenly Father through his unworldly works. What am I saying? Fire up Google and search for “the universe”. Who says science and religion cannot work together? Just the mere photo of the sun makes us wonder who our God really is.

Our BS group have been watching two films about the earth, the universe, and the human body. The speaker explained to us how far the earth is to its neighboring galaxies and how big the stars around it. He clarified that they were not the twinkle twinkle “little” star we used to sing in our nursery years, but humongous entities floating in the universe, gazillions larger than the earth. The sun, as he implied, was a speck of dust, considering that the earth is millions smaller than the sun. We are infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, insignificant organism in God’s grandiose artwork. If I were to compare the Universe and the unexplored heavenly bodies out there to a canvass painting, we, the human beings are not in the picture. We are not even in the filament of the strands of the canvass. We are insignificant, and yet, we are considered miracles.

Yes, I am on my way to telling you that you are special. We, the infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, not even a speck of dust, insignificant beings of the earth, are special. God made sure that we are special. We are tiny organisms that was designed by an awesome God with epic designs and details. Even our chromosomes were designed perfectly and intricately by God.

Here’s an interesting piece of trivia that will baffle you.Google search the word, laminin. Well, okay, searched it for you…

 

So what does it tells us? Like I told you earlier, God designed us intricately and knows us by each cell, particle, and molecule. He even designed a detailed and scientific proof of the uniqueness of each human being, and that is by looking into our DNAs.

For how many millennia has God reassured us of his unending love for us. He even declared it through his Son, Jesus Christ, yet we think that He is not good for us. Why? We have our own reasons. But you know, God is not a quitter. He will never ever quit on us. He will always give us an option to make a U-turn. His arms are always open.

Patience, wait, hope, golf ball, Sirius, Canus Majoris, Pollux, earth, sun, empire state building ; these are the random words that I got out of the video. Conclusion? God gives strength to those who wait and hope. He does not promise a smooth sailing journey, nor a 5-star treatment from the people around you, but He promised to give you the strength to keep you going on, for you to keep moving forward, and forward, and forward, and forward, until the day of our reunion with Him. That promise still stands.

Untitled

 

I was watching Life As We Know It and some guy said something like raising a kid is the most married thing you can get. I was thinking, well, maybe wondering, what if I had a father? What would my life be? Would I see my parents have petty fights? Or would I still be an only child? Would they be all lovey dovey and I’ll go and say “get a room?” Would my father be committed to my mom? What would I call my father?

But those questions will be left unanswered because I don’t have any plans of looking for my father. For all I know, he might be dead. *shrugs* I won’t mess the life of his family nor his children and I expect them to the same. It’s sad that I never got to meet him.

And before I get depressed… I will now read “The Mark of Athena”.

I miss you and it hurts.

 

Dear friend,

Have you watched “Perks of being a wallflower”? I have, and I cried. I know how Charlie felt but unlike him, I have friends.

I know that you do not read any of my blogs so I’m writing what I feel here. I know that this is a cowardly move, but I cannot tell you myself, because I cannot express it verbally.

I want to tell you that I miss you so so so much that it hurts. It might be the hormones talking but I’ve felt it before I PMS’ed, so I think this is a valid rant. I know that it Is not your fault that we don’t go out that much, that we don’t hangout that much, that you have a boyfriend, that we only talk about maybe 20 minutes a week or maybe less… I don’t blame you. Life has caught up with us and I can understand that. I just miss you.

Friend, I feel left out and I am depressed. I may not look like it but I feel like shit. I feel like a hypocrite. I always feel cheerful when my friends are around, but when I ‘m home and alone with my thoughts, I’m sad. You told me that you noticed that I get silent when we are with some of our friends, and I can’t tell you why. Well, I tried telling you but I couldn’t explain it properly. I get quiet because of the things that goes on in my head. Sometimes I think that the conversation is shallow, sometimes I think I cannot keep up, sometimes I think that you don’t need my opinion, and I’m sure there are some other reasons that I can’t remember.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this because I know that God loves an insignificant teeny wee and little being like me, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel that the world would be better off without me. I have thought about this a dozen times and I did nothing good with the world. The world does not need another sinner, another being who does not exude the qualities of a good and perfect Christian. I am a mass of disappointment.

I really wish that I would just stop thinking of these things, but I could not tune it out. Well, maybe I could, but only by reading and watching movies/series and thinking about God.

If you have watched Perks of being a wallflower, Charlie and I have something in common. We overthink and we get depressed.

If the forces of the world conspired to make you read this, then you know how I felt. The next time we meet I’ll just act as if you haven’t read this and that I did not blogged this. We would go on as if nothing happened, it would be easier that way.

Love,

Annie

MUSE - live at iTunes Festival

I have mentioned that I love MUSE, right? I'll cut to the chase and I will just post their epicness here. Enjoy!

Truth is I posted it here for bookmarking purposes. hehe. :3

Suits

I started watching this series last week and my adoration for Suits levels with BBC’s Sherlock! <3 I’m definitely digging the “Brain is the new sexy” line. I have also started fan-girling and I cropped these animated gifs that I got from Google and made it into icons/avatars. (Thank you Google!)

It’s official. Harvey Specter is my new Sherlock.

     

 

More Harvey-licious avatars to come!

I almost forgot about the pictures from my Effie trinket cosplay… let’s just say that I will post my cosplay pictures here when I feel satisfied with it.

Toodles! Will watch Suits again! Accio January 2013!!!

Reflection

It's almost the end of September and I haven't written a single blog for this month, until now. My attention lately has been divided into 4 groups. Facebook, Hexrpg, Graphics designing, and books. Internet has been addicting (as always), it has been addicting to escape the confines of reality.

Before the September ends, (no, i will not ask you to wake me up) I will be cosplaying Effie Trinket and hopefully, post the photos here. So, what has happened to me this September? Let me think... hmmm...

MUSE's album came out and I do not have a copy... JK Rowling's Casual Vacancy will be coming out soon and I doubt it if I'll have a copy... UAAP CDC was held at SM MOA Arena and my University didn't win. Hmmm, what else... I've finished Awkward season two episode 12 last night and was wondering why Jenna doesn't seem contented with Matty. Does she need Jake too?

As I've mentioned earlier,you might have  my presence has been felt in the FB Universe through numerous share posts and likes. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo with a verse on it.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 

(1 Corinthians 1:27)

A few days before I saw that photo, I made a status on my plurk page saying...

When everyone thinks you'd fail, it should encourage you. When they push you down, spring back up! Prove them wrong. 

If you think about, it's a bit coincidental, isn't it?  If you look at what i've said on my plurk page, it's about ME making my way and proving them wrong, while the verse says, trust GOD to make something out of you.

This, obviously, made me reflect.

Here is God again, reminding me to trust Him, to allow Him to take control of my life. I have been consumed by this world that I'm slowly losing sight of Him. God, who is ever faithful, who is silently watching over me, cringing at my mistakes, and frowning at the temptations I have not resisted. He knows that it is a tiresome journey, that sacrifices have to be made in order to glorify Him.

I may not have been the best example of how a Christian should live, I have been mediocre and selfish, but if I have to re-do it, I won't. All the up and downs have been a blessing, every twist and turns have been a way of God revealing Himself to me. Through friends and family, through quotes, through books, even through texts.

I may not be a perfect Christian, but I would like to be one. With God's help... I hope I can be...

Madness and Olympians

Two days ago, Muse has released a song from their album “The 2nd Law” called “Madness”. Some of the fans weren’t as enthusiastic with Muse’s style and were always commenting about the dubstep. I, on the other hand, was playing it on loop. Muse should be considered as gods of music. They are continually reinventing and exploring their capabilities in music. I am positive that the album will be an epitome of awesomeness. The previous album, “The Resistance”, has surprised me and has grown into me. It is my favorite album to date.

 

On a different note, I have finished reading Rick Riordan’s The Lost Hero and I am amazed at Mr. Riordan’s expansion of Mythology personalities. He’s like a spider weaving an intricate web of Olympians and demigods, like tossing a bowl of salad mixing the Greek and Roman deities in the recipe. I am absolutely sure that girls will swoon for Jason if this will have a movie adaptation. I am so looking forward to Jason and Percy’s meeting. Will it be disastrous? I have a big feeling that they will clash but eventually be the best of friends. Please, Mr. Rick, let it be not too predictable for me. I’d hate to be amazed and disappointed at the same time. >_<

I have nothing but praise for Rick Riordan’s works! I bet he’d be an amazing English professor with a bagful of stories for his class.

The problem lies with me, I don’t confront people directly when they’ve hurt me. I might have done it only to a few trusted ones, if you’re one of them, then I trust you.

Many have hurt me without them knowing it. I am one of those who are in-denial and too trusting people who would always come up with an optimistic side of somebody even if the whole world is telling me to not trust that person. I am one who thinks much and ends up curling in a corner somewhere because of depression. I am the silent jealous type who nurses wounds in the form of blog rants, art, or music.

Sometimes I resent my “optimistic” nature, I am tired of being depressed and optimistic simultaneously. I am not stable. I am not coherent at this moment and I am depressed.

Nakakainis lang ung mga times na alam mo na ung sagot pero sa mga tanong mo pero nagtatanong ka parin. Nakakainis ung mga oras na wala ka naman dapat na ikainsecure o ikaselos pero nagseselos ka. Nakakainis ung mga oras na desedidio ka na mahalin ung tao biglang may hahadlang na kung ano. Nakakapagod na. Parati nalang, kapag set na ako na mahalin ang isang tao, na magopen up… nasasaktan ako. Ayoko na magmahal. Ayoko na ang sakit sakit na eh. Ang hirap umiwas sa taong hindi niya alam kung bakit siya iniiwasan, o kaya ang magalit sa isang tao na hindi naman niya alam na galit ka saknaya, o di kaya ang magpanggap na masaya ka para sa taong ito pero sa totoo eh hirap na hirap na kalooban mo.

Hindi pa ako ready magmahal dahil hindi pa ako ready masaktan, pero hindi mo naman mapipigilang magmahal.

Feeling ko nagpagiiwanan na ako… one day… ako naman ang mangiiwan. kitakits nalang sa heaven? haha

Bleak, Wrath, and Farewell

Bleak

Thirst for joy and hunger for peace

The world gives you nothing; everything his.

Plead for happiness and cry for hope

They give you nothing but a piece of rope.

They say look up and open your eyes

Try not to drown in the pool of lies

Try not to succumb in the realm of deceit

Where everything lies in the bed of conceit

If I told you that you have to do this alone

Will you fight the madness on your own?

Or will you wallow in your fears and sorrow?

Will you extinguish the light for tomorrow?

Will you allow your cornerstone to crumble?

Will you relinquish the giants of destruction?

Will you brandish your sword and lift your shield?

Or will you kneel down and say you’ll yield?

Nothing will stop you, pursue your path

Regret nothing, face the aftermath

Value what is right and what is real

Desire will complicate the things you feel

If you have God, choose His side

He can see you, you cannot hide

If you do not, it is time to decide

Settle or hesitate; His arms open wide

I made this in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know what's the inspiration or the reason for this urge to write a poem... it just came to me. Another one of the poems that begged to be written, this was. I do not understand myself nor do I try, so I let the words flow out of my head and into my hands and they type. Anyway, here are the other poems...

Wrath

Summon the soldier of hearts

Brace the archers, release the darts

Bathe in the shower of asphyxiation

A torrent of flowery admiration

Chiselled promises carved in stones

Plunged in a fissure with broken bones

Pupils dilate with searing hate

Unending curses of the irate

Whisk the undiluted potion of pain

Pour it to the brim of absolute strain

Mix it with uncouth and the uncanny

Billow the Ares of gory history

Astounding dementia swallowed whole

Eyes of the weary, black as coal

Consumed by nothing but the dusk of dawn

Devoured irrevocably by the unknown

Farewell

Farewell my friend, I bid you goodbye

Farewell my friend, part ways and sigh

Farewell to darkness and abomination

Farewell to madness and miscommunication

Goodbye to anomaly and self-destruction

Goodbye to oppression and persecution

Goodbye to the hooligans and scavengers of gloom

Goodbye to you, my friend, goodbye to doom

Salutations to the governors of light

Salutations to the guardians of right

Salutations to the keeper of sanity

Salutations, warden of inner beauty

Release

Anyone who knew me knew that I had a lot of crushes but only a few knew of the “big” ones.” I have two kinds of crushes: the small ones, where I liked them because they were adorable or hot (these are the guys that my best friend and I called “play crush”), and the big ones, where I liked them because of many things… Let’s just say that the big ones were what you call infatuation.

I have a ritual with my big ones whenever I get crushed, and I am expecting to be crushed, because let’s face it, that’s why they are called “Crush” because they will crush you. Anyway, back to the ritual. I cried after being crushed. Don’t we all?

So what happens after this ritual? Usually, I move on. Maybe that’s why I cried, because I have realized that it was time to let go of my infatuation. That it was time to move on because he was not the one for me. It was time that I gave up any hopes. Mostly, I cried because I felt silly of getting my hopes up.

I wonder if I’m not likeable, or am I hanging with a wrong crowd and no one understands me? But I bet most of us feel that way. Misunderstood.

Whatever happens, I’ll trust God. He knows me more than I do.

SONA

I never knew that I would enjoy listening to a SONA until PNoy delivered one. The reports about the progress of his administration is looking well. I  guess it is true that he did give hope to the Filipinos.

Nakakatuwang marining ang progresong nangyayari sa Pilipinas. Maski sabihin nating hindi lahat e naireport niya o may katiwalian parin sa bansa, hindi mo maipagkakaila na maayos naman ang ginawa niya sa dalawang taong paninilbihan bilang pangulo.

Marami mang bumatikos sa kanya, hindi nila pwedeng sabihin na wala siyang ginawa. Kung may magsabi man na marami na dapat siyang nagawa o masyadong mabagal ang progreso, sasabihin ko lang sainyo… Eh, kung kayo ang magpatakbo ng Pilipinas, magagawa niyo din ba un? If ever namang kaya niyo, sige, tatahimik nalang ako dito at pupurihin ko ang mga nagawa niyo.

Bago kayo bumatikos, isipin niyo ang mga nagawa niyo para sa bansa. Isipin niyo din na hindi lang dapat ang presidente ang gumalaw dito. Kailangan niya ng galamay. Parang pakikisama nalang yan eh. Nakikita naman nating gumagalaw siya maski papano, edi tulungan nalang natin dahil aminin natin, walang magagawa ang pagrereklamo. Hindi tataas ang piso sa pagrereklamo. Hindi baba ang bilihin kung nagrereklamo ka lang. Gumagawa ang mga opisyal ng paraan para maging maayos ang buhay ng mga Pilipino, kung sa tingnin niyo naman maganda din ang mgadudulot, wag niyo nang hatulan at phirapan.

Pairalini natin ang pagiging optimistic natin kay PNoy. Di ko man siya binoto, nasa kanya ang suporta ko bilang isang mamamayan ng Pilipinas. sana kayo din.

Futile Hope

 

Being near you once a week is already a luxury for me. You don’t know how I look forward to being one feet away from you. This is where the torture starts. You are a tequila for a recovering alcoholic.

I swore that I would stop feeling the way that I do even if it was futile. I said that I am through with all the insecurities you’ve caused unknowingly. I know I should not pursue you but there is this one thing that keeps my heart fighting, gasping for air…

Hope.

Nauseating and sickening hope for the hopeless.

I have been wondering why do I keep hoping when I know it will not ever come true. I am bent on not believing but there is always a flicker of hope, barely holding but still existing. I am really sick of all these matters with the heart. Why can’t I be calculative or scientific? Why can’t I be devoid of emotional stress?

Move

I need to move or else I’ll suffocate.

I am not a good conveyer of my emotions when I’m in front of the people I love. It isn’t supposed to be like that? Don’t I have to be fully expressive when I’m with them? Why is it that I’m holding back?

I am making myself miserable if I stay stagnant. I have to experience the life outside my bubble. I have to see what the world offers. I have to explore my potential and my limits. I hate to say it but I’m not the one who will settle.

The problem is I’m tied because of my financial difficulties. I am bound to stay here for a year unless they sever my ties. I must admit that I am giving them a poor quality performance and I know it is selfish of me, but I can’t help it. I like the people, I like the hours, I like the liberty but I don’t like what I’m doing. I’ll end up hating my job if I don’t get out of it. Worst, I’m going to hate myself… and I think that worst has come.

War Music

 

“War music, beautiful drumming noise

War fire, wild fire, you have no choice”

 

I must say that episode 9 of GOT”s season two is the most thrilling by far. My  heart was hammering, my hands were clenched, I felt like I was in the battlefield. Beautiful effect with the war fire, rich with gore. The fear for death and the blood lust is enough to make my nerves rattle. I was breathing heavily after this episode. It was over whelming. Brilliant.

Stannis, the cold soldier, versus Tyrion, the brilliant lion, off to battle at the gates of King’s landing. I’m a bit worried with Clegane… I always thought that he was fearless. Now we know what makes a dog flee… Fire. By the way, I’m getting more amused with Varys, his banters with Tyrion and I really want to know how and why he was cut.

This episode was well plotted. I didn’t even long for a glimpse of the Robb’s war or the Dothraki khaleesi or the cold war at the Wall. It was awesome, in huge proportions. It was beautiful.

I find it really hard to say…

… I love you.

So if you are one of the people that I have said it to, I mean it. I can’t even say it to my mom. I say it to my close friends but rarely and some try to wheedle it out of me, which is annoying. But take note, I RARELY say it with initiative, most of the “I love you’s” I’ve said were for reciprocating purposes. I’m sorry.

I don’t say “I love you” back simply because I don’t feel it. I try to be honest in saying what I feel, and sometimes I think I should have a filter in my mouth. If you find me confident or easy going, I think I’m the exact opposite because I’m socially awkward. You can see me interacting with a few people who I’m genuinely interested in (most of them are book worms or movie and music geeks), I’m a dork in my own way. I’m weird and it’s hard to fit in with people who are socially applauded and accepted.

I’m always wondering if I would be able to find a lost soul with the same dilemma as I have. What joy it will be to know that you are not alone in this pity fest.

I think I’m still afraid of getting hurt. I am a coward for keeping my bottled feelings. I am afraid of risking my heart when it’s in pieces. I’m afraid of braveness because of its power and greatness.

I am simply scared.

true love?

 

True Love. What does it mean to find true love?

Have you seen the movie “Love Actually” ? well that’s the answer, true love doesn’t have to be seen in a boy-girl relationship but it can be seen in different people, from friends to family, and every thing in between. I know I should elaborate more but if you’ve seen the movie or watched the last episode of Once Upon A Time then you’d get what I mean.

True love isn’t only for couples but it comes from different shapes and sizes. From a Mother’s love to a friend’s devotion, it is undeniably the most honest and true form. True love is about being self less, giving up yourself for the person or that something you love.

I was watching “Once Upon A Time” , the last line uttered was… “Magic Is Power” and here I was thinking that “Knowledge” is power. hehe. Lame, I know.

 

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I just remembered a dream I had earlier… I was with a guy I was fond of, and he and I were with each other’s arms in my dream, something that would never happen in reality because I am what I am (invincible) and he is what he is (driven and popular), also, he’s out of the country. Anyway, we are still friends in real life.

Now that I remembered that I dreamt about him, my heart longs for him. The same way every time I dream about my crushes. Such longing that I could burst into flames. (well, that was an exaggeration)

 

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Okay, medyo kilig mode ngayon, I trust not one of my friends will read this so neither will my relatives. hehe. I was in the bank because I need to deposit some cash from our sales when I saw the manager. He’s not all good-looking swoony type of guy but he’s neat and somehow a “chinito” so he’ll do. hehe. wala lang. while I was at the cashier, he went up and looked at the deposit slip which was unusual since he has clients on his desk, or so I thought. ha-ha. wala lanng. the assumera in me strikes again.

Never believe in happy endings

 

Pessimistic, am I? Nah. It’s just the truth.

Let me justify the title of this post. First, endings are never happy. Why would you end it if you’re happy? Only fairy tales have happy ends, not in real life. So please spare me with all the mushy nonsense that love makes happy endings real. No, it doesn’t. Any practical man would see reason to this argument.

Let’s be realistic here. Okay, so you fall in love, get married, then what? Have babies, be torn with your career and family life. Get sick or grow old, then you die. We live to die. Only morbid people would love to die. Unless you are really religious and you would die for your religion, but that’s a different light to tackle.

We live to die. It’s as simple as that. No happy ends, just a rotting corpse, who was melancholically buried. It’s a sad affair. So now, tell me, is that a happy end? Yeah, thought so.

Aside from this bitter skeptic rant, I am pleased to inform you that I am not giving up on love. I’m only bracing my self, putting myself in a “no-expectation” zone, which is really hard, by the way, knowing that girls are all-assuming and suspicious beings. But typing it here makes it more difficult because I know that I’ll be expecting no matter what happens. Unless I’m a bed-ridden, comatose patient. (no offense)

As I have said before, I am in a continuous battle with my mind. The desires of my heart are gagged by mind which is really frustrating hence these senseless rants. The dictatorship in the society is suffocating, the stereotyping and the judicial glares of the world is crippling especially to a fee mind.

Okay, now, I didn’t understand what I just said.

Fuck this stupid mind. Fogged, clouded and messed  up.

All Heroes please apply

 

Quoting Ms. Jenna Hamilton in Awkward, “ … in need of saving. All heroes please apply.”

I am such a lost soul and any help would be gladly welcomed.

I’m blogging again because I watched “Awkward”, influence of Ms. Jenna Hamilton. I can’t believe that all she’d gone through would be possible in real life. It’s a fairytale, but then, it’s just a series so it’s all made up.  I’m still swooning over Matty. Every girl wants to make a good boy out of a bad boy and every boy wants to see some bad-assness in a good girl. I don’t think I’ve phrased that well, but you get the picture.

So why am I blogging again? I feel small. I’m not overly fond of my job, I feel inferior to my high school and church friends and I think my spiritual life is going down hill. I can honestly say that I still believe in Christ and all the glorious things attached to Him, I am just becoming too worldly. I am a naïve being, trying to find inspiration in this fucked up world, trying to see the beauty in living. I am a girl who is now facing a fork in the road, looking at faceless options, afraid of leaping.

I am still the girl who finds it hard to fully trust people, her heart was programed to give them a “benefit of the doubt” but her brain tells her to do otherwise. A girl who is in denial even though she subconsciously knows the answer to her questions. A girl who is battling with her inner conscience, battling the fears of pretentious faces and hard biting truths.

Thus, I need a hero.

I need someone to tell me how to straighten out this mess. Someone who’ll go through the process WITH me. I know you’ll tell me that I have friends and family, but I wouldn’t be asking now if they were there for me, wouldn’t I? I am not implying that they are not reaching out, I am merely pointing out that they are the types who’ll listen, I mean it’s good… but I need an understanding ear. An ear who knows what I’ve been going through. There might be some who are reaching out but  I don’t think I’m trusting them enough. Hence, my contradictory and clouded thoughts.

I am not satisfied with where I am right now, so I am calling out for help. Any heroes with supersensitive hearing or empathetic abilities to radar a crying heart?

Please. please apply.

Awkward, Green eyes and Trust

 

“Someone once said that it’s choice not chance that determines our destiny.” Jenna Hamilton, Awkward

Still watching “Awkward”. I’m on my  last episode for season one, and I realized that I like guys with dark hair and green eyes, and I know you wouldn’t find one in the Philippines  unless they are wearing contact lenses. Point is, I like my male protagonists with green eyes and dark hair… hold that thought, Alex Pettyfer has green eyes but blonde hair, so I guess, green eyes will do. I think this is one of the reasons why I like Harry Potter. Hmmm.

Another realization, Matty Mckibben looks like a Greek god, more like Hercules. Drool worthy if he’s in a suit…

In the duration of the 40 minutes I was watching the last episode, I was writing this blog and I remembered how I was feeling last night. I had this friend who I keep doubting and judging and he doesn’t know. I feel bad that I’m doing this to him especially when I haven’t heard it straight from his mouth, but the hints were evident and he was lying. You’re daft if you still think he isn’t. With that being said, I wrote an update in my twitter, saying that he’s a liar and I’m a fool for believing him. Then, this part is what when I get lifted out of the dark, (ugh, me and my dramatic connotations.)

A friend asked me what’s wrong. It was unexpected, yet, it was welcomed. I can’t believe that comfort can appear so sudden. From my crappy mood, I became my happy self again. Amazing how God sends people to comfort you, to let you know that there are still good people in the world, that it’s okay to trust them even though you have no assurance. I guess, that is what trust is about… Having to let people in your trust bubble without assurances, but with faith.

Now, I change the title of this post, from “Dark Haired and green eyed” to “Awkward, Green eyes and trust”

It’s amazing too that people doesn’t know the impact of one sentence uttered. Just one “are you okay?” question, can lift up a mood of someone, who’s in a crappy state. The knowledge that someone is taking the time to type those words means a lot to someone desperate.

I guess I am desperate. Desperate of someone to talk with. Someone who is the same with my mind’s wavelength. I know I’ve posted this countless times but I really want to have someone who’ll stick with me. We all do. We are suckers for happy ever after's.

I feel like I’m betraying my close friends for saying this, but I haven’t really opened my heart to the fullest. I may be opening a hole for them to come in, but I haven’t really opened the two doors of my heart. I am still afraid of the hurt that they can inflict me. I don’t have a crippling past and I haven’t felt unwanted just because I’m a illegitimate, but there’s this nagging sense that I am incomplete.

Trust is a big deal to me, I guess, to all of us. Trusting someone is like putting my life on the line. I haven’t thought of this before, but as I have been learning the meaning of trust, I’m starting to think like this. I am still processing the true meaning of it, groping for answers.

This post is becoming a long one, so I will end it with a thought.

Will I ever open my heart to someone fully? Without barricades and barred doors?

same wavelength

I don’t know if It’s the hormones talking or I am delusional, but I feel like a lot of people are annoyed with me. I feel that nagging feeling that someone I talking behind my back. I feel so saaaaaad. I am becoming the person that I don’t want to be. I am becoming a hypocrite..

I need someone to talk with, but I can’t seem to trust anyone to understand me. Alam mo yun, maraming available for talking pero di mo naman mapagkakatiwalaan, ung mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo naman, di mo masabihan. I’m thinking if I’ve made the wrong choice of friends, or sadyang nagbabago na ako. Am I changing for the better or for worse?

This feeling… argh!! you just want to yank it out of your chest and throw it to the dogs. It makes me sick. My mind is so tired of thinking.. of assuming… Oo na, assumera kasi ako. Arrgggh! I just want to scream!

I am longing for that one person who will tell me, “I understand you, I went through the same thing.” Hindi ung out of politeness or walang masabi kaya sasabihin niya.

Hindi ko din alam kung bakit parang nagagalit na ako sa mundo. Ang dumi dumi kasi. nakakafrustrate. nakakawalang ganang mabuhay. Gusto mong gumawa ng mabuti para naman mapalapit ang mga tao sa Diyos pero grabe ang hirap, parang ang pangit ng pagbalik. Ewan, I should trust God diba, in times like this? I trust Him naman, I just want to rant. I want to tell Him that I’m feeling this off towards my friends, that I am wasting my time being a miserable wench but I’m still doing it. I am telling God that I want to die because I’d rather die than sin again.

But you know what will God put into my thoughts after I’ve said all those things? Trust and hope for His perfect plan. Don’t think of death because you have a mission for Christ. You have to uphold a good testimony because you are a Christ ambassador. It’s okay for me to feel this way, because that’s what I am. Human. Imperfect beings made perfect by God’s love.

So what happens after my tirade? I release of some of the boggling thoughts in my mind. Though I am sure that it will come back, I am sure too that God will provide a way for me to turn it around. I’m still hoping for someone who will share the same wavelength of thoughts with me, the same views and beliefs. By the time, he/she arrives, I will praise God, as always, and I will put it in my testimony as an answered prayer. 

Eto papala, I noticed that when I‘m boasting about something God takes it away. One time, I boasted that UST will win the Basketball championship again, turns out top 4 lang. I’m scared of God’s training, pero I’m grateful din because I’m experiencing His discipline in humbling. I have loads to learn but if God is my teacher then I’ll be willing learn.

Arggh. there goes that nagging feeling again. Can somebody call fredie kreuger and just rip my heart out?

I wish I haven't met you.

Regret

I wish I haven't met you, I really wish I did not,
I did all I can, but you let it all rot.
You made me believe all your lies,
Then you left me with no goodbyes.

How do you expect me to react
With kind words and a kind heart?
No, sir, this is my limit,
You've stretched me enough, I cannot take it.

What can I do, when you cannot see,
The things you did, the times you've hurt me?
I used to like you and your smile,
Now, I loathe you, go drown in the Nile.

Most of all, I hate it when you made me feel stupid.
You told me stories, but the truth you hid.
Shut up! Stop! Get out of my mind!
You're a memory best left behind.


* The result of seeing things you do not like to see, because it brings regret and sad memories. I saw a name that I should have not seen, and I remember things that I should not have remembered. Do you know Mouth of One Tree Hill? He said a quote that goes like, it's okay for him to take in the bad memories as long as he take in the good ones too.. or something like that... or I think it went like, give me regret at least I can have the good memories too. Well, in my case, you can take it all, I just don't want you in my life. You made it all complicated, you gave me heartaches and instabilities that you would never stand up to. You gave me stories and lies. You gave me doubt and you made me think twice about myself. I never want to experience that way again.

You might wonder who am I talking about? It's a very complex person, yes, I called it an "it" because "it" is a mixture of the people who abandoned me and I disliked. "It" is someone, who I squished all the people who made me sad for whatever reason, into one being. Get it? "It" is like a trash bin where all the trash is thrown. So there you have it, "it."

Books and boys

 

Unlikely pair isn’t it, books and boys, but that was the topic of our friendly discussion last night with my graduating pals. We hung out at the “pav”, as we call it, and started spotting and rating boys. Oh shush, it’s a girl thing. It’s our version of “painting our nails and talking about boys.”

One particular topic that I love is talking about my second most favorite series in my generation, and that is, The Hunger Games. We were talking about how it became a fad because of the upcoming movie. We were wishing that the fandom wouldn’t be like “The Twilight Saga.” We were hoping that people would see more than the romance injected and focus on the relevance of the characters, the Capitol and the whole Panem.

The matter about boys will just remain in our complex mentalities. *sniggers* Aside from talking about those things we also tackled other friend-relationship matters. How some of them had trust issues, insecurities and back stabbing instances. It was refreshing to hear other point of views and also a revelation of the depth of character.

It was a nostalgic night for me ‘cause I have been dwelling in the “real” world for quite some time now. It’s certainly refreshing. Wish we’d do that often and we would be with most of our barkada.

Oh, and my thirst for Pongta Korean ice cream has been quenched. hihi.

That’s all folks! toodles!

Classic thriller

“Psycho” was my first classic thriller. I have watched this movie because my friend recommended it to me and because it was the inspiration of one of his photography featuring… me. Of course, I was intrigue so I watched it, though I was a bit adamant of the satisfaction it will give my movie standards.
This was one of the most ironic moments for me. Do you know the feeling of watching a film with new computer graphics styles or has a 3d effect? Same feeling I had with this movie, but the irony was in the classic movie. It has no complex movie effects, no jaw-dropping computer graphics, nor head tumbling lines, you can see the glitches in the stability of the camera but you can see the rawness, the purity. It has this “new” effect for me. I guess I’m used to all the CG stuff that I have appreciated the simplicity of the film.
Frankly, I was demeaning the movie. I thought that I wouldn’t be on the edge of my seat, I thought that I would find other things to do while I’m watching the movie. I was wrong. I was engrossed with every action, paid attention to each word, looked for clues, tried to analyze the character and what made this film a “classic.” That’s why I can truly say that I enjoyed the movie.
It’s funny how we see or learn new things from the old. This is what the classics gives us. new things to learn from the past. No matter what, when, where, why, or how it happened, we could still learn  from them, we just have to open our minds.

sleepy test post

Another test post before I really go to sleep.

Test post

This is post is a proof that I have synced my blog to Windows Live Writer. Yes, it’s just a test post.

I passed

After two years of toiling over the same topic, hundreds of revisions and two advisers, I have passed my thesis deliberation.

 I am deeply humbled by the enormous amount of help I got from my friends and the heaps of grace from God. I am sure that without their help, this project won’t be possible. I have to thank my mom and my relatives for bearing me through all my failures, it has not been easy but it was worth it.

The jurors asked me to revise my work so, I guess I’m not fully passed yet but I assure you, I will graduate, no matter what it takes. I pray that with God’s mercy, my mother will see me wearing a toga and receiving a diploma. 

**written on Feb 14, 2012

_________________________

February 20 came and I submitted the revised edition of my thesis, the professor asked me to leave it on his locker so I did. Before I left it, I met one of my jurors and asked for the professor that I needed to see, and he said that he's around UST, he tried texting him and while he was doing that we had a small talk. He asked me if I was going to march at the graduation ceremony. I told him that I'm not sure because I haven't applied for graduation yet (there's a process before you go up the stage and march) then he insisted that I should march because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. You only get to march on that stage for that day only. I said, I want to because I want my mother to see that the years she'd put up with me has paid off. 

I want her to see her only daughter receive a diploma, in a toga and waving at her, looking at her with beaming eyes and thanking her because that day won't be possible without her. 

I'm still in the process of applying for graduation but I'm nearly there, a few more days, and I'm ready to go. 

It is still all surreal. I find it hard to believe that I'm finally finished with college, off to other challenges and surprises. Thank God.

February 9, 2012; acting with the eyes

You’ll know how good an actor is by their eyes. How they use it in a tight shot, it’s amazing. And then, there’s the voice. How they use it with different intonation, everything so convincing and gripping.

Yes, I’m watching “Sherlock” again, Moriarty, Sherlock and of course, our BAFTA winner, Dr. Watson acted spectacularly. I am so impressed. Boy, they know how to REALLY act. They're not even my brand of eye candy but their performance was so awesome that I can't get enough of them. 

Of course, the script was beautifully made, it has the right amount of puns and memorable lines. The moment people or fans quote the character,the writer has done a fantastic job. Kudos to the creator and writer of Sherlock, you did enormously well. It was bloody brilliant! ;)


Sherlock aside, I can't help but think how many people have duped me. How many have made me believe that I'm their friend and how many have told me empty promises. I'm wondering how many had the patience of enduring my tough moments and my attitude or how many kept track of what I'm doing. How many have followed me without expecting a follow back. How many have I induced interest in? How many have I inspired and how many have I failed? how many have I served? 

I am curious and naturally boggled. I guess you can call it "trust issues". I just want to know the truth, as they say, "the truth can set us free". 

Okay, now back to Sherlock, I am still chafed that I have to wait for 2013 for the next season. arrggggh! why?!!! I guess i have to watch Sherlock again and again and again...

Feb 4, 2012

Yesterday was the draw lots for thesis deliberation. I'm not endorsed yet but my adviser told me she'd give me one last chance. I have to submit all the requirements by Tuesday. Thank you Ma'am. Hell nights for me again. yay. Odd thing was every time I go on-line, no one is on. I think God is messing with my time to help me focus more on my work, what'cha think?

It's 12:40pm and  while I'm having my lunch, I'm watching the series called "Awkward". Watching the main character type on her blog made me want to type on mine too, hence, this post. Another reason is I remembered Sherlock posting on his own blog too, and Mr. Watson, of course.

This might not be the most followed blog in the earth but this little space is my breathing hole in cyberspace, also, a rest in my tedious,confused, and distracted life. For sure, I'm not the only one.

I have a prediction that I will be blogging more these days 'cause this is what happens when my mind is full of these buzzing noises. I haven't found my rhythm. Still searching for it.*sigh* Yup, still searching.

It's now 12:46pm and I will now resume with my eating and viewing. ta-ta.

Little Heart

Little heart

Oh Proud heart

Can’t you see how wrong he is?

Can’t you see that you’ll hurt yourself again?

Tell me, proud heart

Tell me how you’ll cope

Tell me what will you gain?

Oh pitiful heart

It’s too late to let go

You are hexed and so smitten

Take heed, little heart

You took the risk

Prepare bandages, start again.

Don’t cry, little heart

It will mend

Dust yourself, stand up, and begin.

** I have written this last year and felt like posting it, so here it is. (medyo untimely with all the stuff going on, pero it begs to be posted eh, I don't know why)

uneasy

I was supposed to meet with my thesis adviser yesterday but I wasn't able to. You know the term "grace under pressure", that's what happened yesterday. God gave me another chance to tweak my project. *whew* Thank you LORD!!!

Anyway, I wasn't able to watch the pyromusical either. We skipped it and played L4D2, alas, I regretted it after seeing the video on youtube. It would have been really nice to be there personally. If you haven't watched it, here's the video link.

Did you know that I have a weekly diary? It's sort of my planner, and a few of what's written are accomplished on time. hehe. I was never punctual , and I have to learn how to be one SOON! I think God is teaching me to be one but I shrug those lessons off, so yeah.

We ate at Mcdo pala yesterday and while they were ordering, I wrote a poem.

The Burial 

The night cries
of grim and murder
A body lay dead
Here comes the reaper 

A song sang in two
for the coffin 6 feet under
Lips are blue
Then a warm whisper 

"At the cypress tree
meet me, midnight sharp"

Dun dun dun... Yes, it sounded unfinished, but that's the whole poem. I'm thinking of writing the part 2. haha. By the way, this was inspired by the film, Sherlock Holmes, specifically the part where they uncover the coffin and discover that it was the ginger-head midget.

Since I was in the mood for making poems, I made tagalog poems as well...

"Pa-impress" 

Ang daming nagbago sa iyo
Pati mukha at ugali mo
Iba na talaga ang nagagawa
ng mga bagay na pang maharlika 

Lahat nasususbukan
pagkain, damit at katatagan
Ang kumagat sa pain ay talo
Pag di ka sanay, ika'y manlulumo.

and I made another one... a bit shorter, mind you.

Nang una kala ko masyado kang kakaiba,
Ayun pala katulad ka rin nila,
at mas malala pa.
Wala nang patutunguhan
and patuloy kong pagintindi
Mga palusot mong nakakarindi.

Yea, loaded with bitterness no? that poem was overdue. I should have written it earlier, they all came bursting lately.

I have this uneasy feeling because of my thesis and loads of distraction. One reply and one comment was all it took for my confidence to crumble a bit. My mind is stressed out and it's going to an "in-denial" phase where it shuns the worries and entertains distractions... like what it is doing at this moment. rawr.

I should get some sleep now, I shall resume working tomorrow. *sigh*

January 19, 2012

Ah, it’s such a comfort to be writing again. I haven’t written a decent story since September 2009. Well, I haven’t finished this one yet but I’m glad to be starting it. I hope I can finish it though… *bites lower lip* Unlike what I’ve written before, this is not a fan fiction. I am hoping to write a decent fiction… and… I can feel you doubt me. Sure, I’m not a great writer, but I can attempt, can I? Anyhoo, my inspiration for this sudden fiction is the series “Once upon a time” and some books namely, Divergent, Graceling and Fire.

It is strange to have this sudden inspiration when I am in a tight schedule. I am not done with my thesis and I am struggling to manage my time so it is really odd that inspiration should come during this time. I guess when the mind is working it can’t be help, no?

Before I conclude this blog, I am thankful for my laptop (still thinking of a name) in aiding me to write. My previous desktop, 7 years of age, was a fair companion but she was virus-stricken, thus minimizing the time for writing practice.

What else can be said aside from thanks and till next blog release? *winks* Ciao.

mercies in disguise

Blessings. The first time I listened to this song, I cried. Listen and look at the lyrics and you will know why I cried.

May you all be blessed by this song...

How my 2012 started

It's the first Sunday of the year so I spent my morning in church. Not much of what the pastor said sunk in. Sorry. hehe. Yesterday, I wrote some of my goals for 2012 and this morning, I realized that they would be awfully hard to do. 

First, I will try and quit some of the sites that i visit frequently. I'm going to focus more on God and quit thinking about my crush. I must read at least 5 books in the Bible and to have a small group, and.... i forgot the rest. hahaha!

Contrary to my previous post, I don't think I can go back to my "star". The year ended so as my hopes for him. I will try my hardest not to gaze nor look at a distance.I will simply not look.

 I'll just look above.