Saturday, August 19, 2017

I feel dry

My post counts for last year was relatively few and I am hoping it would be different this year (as I have hoped in the past years.) but it never happened.

If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.

All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.

I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.

Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?

I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.

I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.

In summary, I still feel dry.