Monday, November 5, 2012

Birthday Cake Pt. 2

My wish of having cakes on my birthday was fulfilled. I could not ask for more. I should be satisfied because I’ve said that as long as I have cakes on my birthday, it would be fine.

I’m not.

You see, I wished for a peaceful and simple and intimate birthday celebration with my family. I did get that at the eve of my birthday but on the day of my birthday, I can’t help but feel sad. I should blame my PMS but my birthday is just a realization that I haven’t grown well. That I have so much to learn and yet I want my life to end.

I’m so disappointed with my life and my family. We claim to be Christians but we don’t exemplify the qualities God wants us to  portray.

Before you continue reading, you must understand that I have no intention in besmirching the name of my family nor my relatives. I am merely stating the truth that is reveal in front of me. Should any of the words, phrases, or sentences were proven false, I’d gladly extract it from this blog. If proven true, it would remain.

Let me start with my mother and her siblings.

I was in high school when I saw the drift starting. The first time it dawned to me that the siblings were displaying the lust for money. It was normal for siblings to fight over money and have their ties destroyed by money. That happens in the world that we live in. everybody wants to be on top, everybody wants to be favored, everyone wants to be number one.

Then came college, the drift was farther than before. Backstabbing has been a way of life. One would toy with the each others’ emotions, One would say something bad about the other one just so he/she can be favored. I may have not seen a real war, but for me, this is one of the longest I’ve seen. Anyone would so anything to survive, even take sides. You are alone if you don’t have money. That’s how it is with my mother and her siblings (exclude the eldest). “Kapit sa patalim” Kung sino ang mayaman, doon lalapit, doon magpapabango, doon kakapit. Balimbing na kung balimbing.

What bothers me most is their relationship with each other. It has been governed by money. The way they see life is disconcerting. Their minds closed because of pride.

One thing I have been thankful for is my relationship with my cousins. Unlike my mother and her siblings, my cousins have open minds.


I’m tired and it’s past my bed time.. my story is still unfinished, I have more to tell about my family, but it’s so depressing that I have to put it off for a while.

As usual, I’ll just sleep this off and distract myself. All I can do for now… is pray. Until I’m on my two feet again.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Birthday cake

I’m easy to please, just give me any kind of cake, I’d be happy.

It’s my birthday today and I don’t feel excited nor giddy. Frankly, I feel nauseous and sleepy, mainly, because it’s past 12 midnight. If you’re wondering how I spent my birthday… well, I haven’t spent it all yet. But my cousins and a friend came over to greet me and I have a cake, so I could say so far so good. I’m actually worried that I might not be able to sing properly tomorrow ( I have to sing for our church’s choir at 9am) because I lack sleep and… I lack sleep.

What I’d like to tell you about is the thing that is different to this year’s birthday. I took off the birthday visibility on my fb page because I want to know who really remembers. But, I know it will be pointless once people starts seeing other’s greetings on my timeline, still, some people don’t really loo at other’s posts or have no time to look at others’ posts so they rely on fb for birthdays.. I admit I’m one of those people, so it’s a bit hypocritical for me to do this. But I’m really curious what will happen. hehe.

I don’t know why am I blogging when I’m not in my right state of mind (not groggy) but I know that I will forget to blog this if I don’t blog this now. I’ll just add more later.

My birthday is  always a mixed emotion for me.. I feel blessed that I’m alive, but at the same time, I wish I’d die. *shrugs*