I don’t care, but I do.

 

I don’t care if I have a crappy blog. I have written what I have felt. This was and is purely for my entertainment and for my sanity and you, those of you who are reading this are the privileged ones. (Or not.) You could see what transpires in this mind and the quirkiness of my personality. If it’s too much for you, then go click the close button.

Where did this rant came from?

I was, as usual, attacking my self-esteem again. I was searching for inspirations in the internet but it turned out quite the opposite. I have realized that I am writing a crappy blog. Most of you would tell me that I should be encouraged to strive and make it as a blog that I like it to be, but I usually have these moments when I wallow and stab my self-esteem. I usually have these moments when I get envious of their ability and instead of striving to achieve that level of ability, I go to my corner and curl up. I know that it’s a bad thing and that I should stop wallowing but this is who I am.

I am frustrated with the fact that I could do better but I am not doing it, or even striving to be one. I am annoyed with myself for being so lazy and for wasting the minutes of my life. I am so angry with myself because I am not using the best of my abilities. I am so ashamed of myself because I am besmirching the name of God. I should be Christ’s ambassador to all the non- believers but I am not letting Him use me. I am relying again on my own strength when I should be relying on Him alone.

I should be humbled by His grace.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. May my thoughts be shrouded by His light and may my heart be right before His eyes. Thank you. I guess I’ll be praying for you too.

Misunderstood

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”
—Stephen King

Once upon a time, I felt that way. A time when I couldn't express what I wanted to say and how I felt, because the words wouldn't come out right. A time when I wanted to rip my heart out to save my friends the time deciphering it. A time when I just cried because the time has arrived to tell them  but I wasted it because I feared that I would be misunderstood.

Either way, I was misunderstood.
I am always misunderstood... because I am weird.

Cuteness overload

I have to post this here. My friends know that I adore bunnies and here is one. It's so cute!!!!

I'm really sorry that I can't cite the source because I only saw this in a friend's plurk post and downloaded it immediately. The post was buried in my list so... it's kind of hard to search for it again. What I'm trying to say is, THIS IS NOT MINE, I am not the owner of this picture, got it off the internet. 

I really love it when bunnies do that nose wiggling thing. Hnnng! it's so fluffehhh! Whenever I see a bunny, I go Agnes-like (Despicable Me)

There. Bask in it's cuteness! hnnnnggg! 

I will live to praise Your Name, always.

 

If you know me, you must know that I love music. I adore music. And if I have a golden voice, I would sing everyday and always. Even though I don’t have an angelic or soul lifting voice, I still want to use what God has given me. I am blessed to be singing in our church’s choir and to be learning new songs about God. It is such a pleasure to be reading words and notes and see/hear them come alive when the choir blends these melodic sounds. And I promise that as long as I have my voice I will continue praising God with it, I will use it to tell His Story to everyone.

I pray that God will give me the right heart to serve Him. The heart that longs to worship him in every beat and every move it makes. A heart that thrives to glorify His name.

---

We were practicing our Summer Camp songs earlier in our church and we came by an old favorite of mine back in high school when I used to lead the singspiration in our student fellowships. The song was entitled “Always.” It goes like this.

I Love To Sing Your Praises My Sweet Savior
And Remind My Heart Of What You've Done For Me
When I Think Of All The Ways That You’Ve Been Faithful
I Rejoice To Know That's How You'll Always Be

Always Forever And Ever
You Will Be My God
You Will Always Be The Shepherd Of My Soul
Always Forever And Ever
You Will Be My God
You Will Always Be The Same
And Forever You Will Reign
I Will Live To Praise Your Name Always

 

I’d like this to be the theme song for the first quarter of my 2013… reminders of what God has done for me… How I love to sing His praises… and His promise that He will Always be the same forever. And I pray that God will let me live to praise His name… always.

Checklist

Before my thoughts scatter in the realm of the unknown, I have to tell you something that happened in our Bible Study earlier. Let me fast forward to the prayer requests… Our leader was asking for our prayer requests and most of my fellow members were insisting on praying for my love life ( and I dare not delve on the others’ prayer requests)  “God’s Best” as they coined it, our inside joke. At first, I was adamant to not focus my prayer request to my love life, but they gave me the “ticking body clock” talk so I caved in and let them include my love life in my prayer request. So I guess, I have half-heartedly prayed for my love life?
Anyhoo, after the prayer I got scared, ‘cause what if God readily agrees to my prayer and gives me a “love life.” I mean, yes, of course, I’d be grateful but I’m just really scared. I’m not ready to have a relationship. Period. I think I’m not mature yet to handle a relationship and I haven’t been a good Christian lately. If I couldn’t focus on God, what more if I’m in a relationship.  But if God would give me a Christian boyfriend who would bring me closer to Him, then, bring it on!!! I’d welcome him with open arms!

While I was lurking in fb, filtering through my unread notifications and news feed, I saw a goofy photo of my friend, then some mad photo manipulation by a friend. The photo manip , for me, implied that the guy was a cool dude. It occurred to me that some guys like to be cool in front of the girls. Well,  I want my man to be goofy and to be not afraid of looking silly or not cool. I’m not asking for someone who doesn’t have self preservation but someone who enjoys the moment and someone who laughs at their mistakes. With this in my mind, I draw my checklist.

1. growing Christian (Protestant) (deal breaker)
2. Taller than me (please lang ang liit ko na, tapos mas maliit pa siya?!)
3. good mannered / gentleman
4. speaks the English language fluently
5. Potterhead (I dream of a HP inspired wedding. LOL)

Major turn on’s:

• Cool Nerd. (Brain is the new sexy)
• Potterhead
• fluent in English
• Book Worm
• Smells good
• Nice taste in music
• sculpted biceps
• expressive eyes
• Manly voice (Alan Rickman-ish)
• sense of humor

many more to come, I am sleepy. Will be updated further in one my next posts.

Uglies

Honestly, I wasn't excited to read this book. I was only intrigued by the good reviews from my friends so I decided to give this book a chance. It turned out well.
Though there were twists that I found predictable, such as David and Tally's romantic affair, the detonated tracker, and the Specials, I was still intrigued by the history of the different towns. I was also curious in progress of David and Tally's relationship.
I guess I'll have to read the other books to determine where I stand. Would I love this series or not?
*on to the next book*
*** Will edit this when I have something better to say >.<

Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars.

My Cherie Amour

 

La la la la la la, La la la la la la La la la la la la, La la la la la la ♪♫

For some odd reason, Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour got stuck in my head since last night. And I was thinking, if I were to score a rich dude with a fancy-shmancy attitude, I’d like him to call me, Mon Cherie, at least once. Or when we’re in a cheestastic mood.

But a girl could only dream.

It’s not like Matty Mckibben would fall down from the sky or maybe Alex Pettyfer, and I highly  doubt it if God would give me a fairy tale love life, all I’ve got is a fart-y tale. I wouldn’t mind if He did, girls are suckers for prince charming’s. Well, most of us, some go for the bad-ass dudes.

Anyway, I’m still playing My Cherie Amour and would be the song for this night as well. I would play it until I get tired of it. Give or take, two days, maybe? While I’m at it, why won’t you listen or sing along with me!

 

 

Here’s the lyrics:

"My Cherie Amour"

La la la la la la, La la la la la la
My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day
My cherie amour, distant as the milky way
My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine
In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street
I've been near you, but you never noticed me
My cherie amour, won't you tell me how could you ignore
That behind that little smile I wore
How I wish that you were mine
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
Maybe someday, you'll see my face among the crowd
Maybe someday, I'll share your little distant cloud
Oh, cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la

 

It’s such a sweet song. Thanks to Silver Linings Playbook, I remembered how beautiful the song was again.

Hello March

 

Hi there, March. I would try and blog as much as I can. Why? Just because I want to practice myself in expressing my thoughts through organized words. Gah!

Anyway, updates on my work. None. I still have no job and I plan to have one before March ends. I am pretty sure that I should blame myself for having no job offers yet because I haven’t been REALLY trying. One reason would be, I want to be fully prepared when I do this “job hunt,” because if I’m not prepared I would lack the confidence. I want a fresh start and I want to do everything right. I want to do it in my own terms, but, of course, in God’s terms too. I know that it would too much to ask for a Christian environment at work but I’m praying that God would put me where I could work on His ministry and of course, do my artsy fartsy thingies too.

---

I hate it when my playlist play what I feel. I have decided to shrug off my “love life” and any “pursuits for my love life happiness” because I really plan to stick with my “work first” motto this year. So far, my plan is not working, because I have no work. (no pun intended)

I should also be evaluating my Christian life. I was reminded of the “salt and light” verse in the Bible today, and I was thinking, have I been shining for God lately? I honestly think that I am not.

What am I going to do? Try?

No.

I am going to try harder. I really hope that God would give me the strength to flip off my pride so that He could start working in me again, because I am pretty sure that I haven’t been on the “fiery” phase of my Christian life.

Another reminder for today? God gave me a broken heart for me to focus on Him while he mends it. He was steering me in a different direction, telling me that He has another plan for me. Someone who He thinks fit. And there’s nothing for me to do but to trust Him.