We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...
It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?
My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.
I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission.
Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping.
Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.