Birthday post for 2017

Hello! Hello!

We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...

It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?

My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.

I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission. 

Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping. 

Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.

I feel dry

My post counts for last year was relatively few and I am hoping it would be different this year (as I have hoped in the past years.) but it never happened.

If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.

All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.

I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.

Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?

I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.

I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.

In summary, I still feel dry.

As a friend

I think it is better
For me to get over
We were not meant to be
I was foolish to see

I was blinded by your charms
My walls melted, I was unarmed
But you struck my heart
I was a fool, I fell hard

And now that I am mending
I am slowly stacking and building
Walls that one day would fall again
To a lad who would only see me
As a friend.

I used to believe that people would really take up on their promise when they say that they are there for  you or that they would keep in touch. Some would really be there for you but you could only count them with your one hand. Most of them rarely do that. Even I have a problem keeping in touch.

I'm in a phase when I'd rather isolate myself than to hope and be hurt. I would rather be alone than endure petty talks. I am struggling whether to keep reaching out or to stop pestering them with my petty updates or comments. I am struggling to be loving instead of indifferent. I am struggling to be independent and not be needy. I am struggling with a lot of things and it infuriates me that I have not been improving. I seemed to be getting worse.

I would love to tell you how the first half of my year was but I am not ready to recall those frightful months. I am grateful for what happened and it is supposed to mold me, but *sigh* Let's just say if you would summarize the first half of the year in one word, it would be... drought.

Even so, God has been and is always faithful. He will always be.