Friday, September 18, 2015


A few may know that I've been depressed and to read something that echoed my thoughts was a relief. It made me feel that I am not alone.

I wanted to repost this poem to remind me of the hope that I've felt when I read this and to remind me that I am not alone in this. And if you have ever felt like this as well, know that are rainbows and silver linings. :)

Promise Me Tomorrow

By Fortesa Latifi

First, I’ll say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for how many days you’ve spent

not wanting to see the next. I’m sorry for

how much it hurts, and I’m sorry you have

to drag that hurt behind you everywhere you go.

I’m sorry for the times when you don’t even feel

the hurt and what’s left- nothing- is so much scarier.

I’m sorry for how scared you are. I’m sorry for how tired

you are. I’m sorry for all the moments you’ve missed out on

while you stayed in bed convincing yourself to keep breathing.

I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Some days, I’m still there.

Second, I’ll say, “brave,”

which is what you are. There is nothing braver than

living through these days with the curtains drawn tight

around your chest and these nights where every candle you own

couldn’t emit enough light to help you find your way.

There is nothing braver than living through these feelings.

You are a warrior in an unsuspecting body, fighting every day

just to be. And I know-

I know how it feels to be in a fistfight with yourself, with your

memories, with your trauma, with your pain. I know how it feels

to beg your brain to be quiet just for a moment, to search for peace

everywhere, to dig through every pile of dirt, to search between every

page of every book, to play hide-and-seek with peace when it is always

changing the rules. You are so brave to keep looking.

Third, I’ll say “tomorrow,”

which is what I want you to promise me. I know tomorrow isn’t

something you think about a lot, and, if you do, it’s not with rose-colored

glasses. Sometimes tomorrow feels impossible. The night is so long

when you feel like you want to die and the dawn seems miles away.

I know. There are so many nights I’ve curled up in bed with

anxiety, who scoots over to make room for depression,

who always calls dibs on the good pillow and there I am,

knees bumping into the wall, begging them to leave me alone. And again, I’m sorry. I’m

sorry these nights visit you more often

than they don’t. I’m sorry they’re such rude guests,

keeping you awake until morning, leaving you scared to sleep lest they get you into

trouble when you’re not watching.

The promise I need you to make is this: We’ll see each other tomorrow.

Tonight doesn’t always keep its promises, but tomorrow has potential.

Find one good thing and hold it tight between your fingers and wait for tomorrow. I

know it’s hopeful of me to ask, but can I see you tomorrow? Tomorrow

is a place where things can be handled and coffee can be made and

you can have your favorite dinner. Tomorrow is a place where we can

figure out a better way to cope with living and tomorrow is a place where,

one day, we won’t be coping – we’ll be living. Tomorrow is where I’ll

see you. I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise.

Can you promise me tomorrow?

Source: To Write Love On Her Arms

Monday, September 14, 2015

Dear Father God,

It’s a joy that in a matter of minutes you have helped me in hoping again. When I didn’t feel like talking to You, You reminded me why I should be. I’m in awe on how You communicate with me and how You comfort me. I was starting to rely on my friends whenever I feel low, but You reminded me that I should come to You first. I am learning to rely on You alone and not on the people around me. You reminded me that Your Presence alone should be enough.

You rebuked me when it is needed but You never fail to remind that You are there in my every step… through good times or bad. You supply my every need and it is such a sweet sweet experience every time You talk to me. Thank you for these verses…

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you!

A Mess

This is one of the moments when I would be sorely tempted to give up. I am tempted to let death take me and leave everything behind. I am not doing a good job of living. I am a walking blunder. I was given opportunities but I wasted them. I am not excelling in the things I do and it's sad. It's a marvel that people can stand me...  and I feel like they are just tolerating me.

I was never a beauty. I'm an artist and I can feel that my family looks down on me. My friends say that they wish they had my creativity but I'm sure they would still prefer other high paying careers than mine.

It's a sad life that you can't open up to your family, you can't fully open up to your friends, nor can you fully rely on them because they too have their struggles and you fear that it would be too much if you burden them with yours. They do not deserve to hear my wallowing and pity fest. It's also a sad thing to keep expecting friends to be with all the time because in reality, they can't. They have lives and their own miseries.

I am a sad sight. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was a more responsible person. I wish I was more organized and prompt. I wish I could be a better friend, someone who people can see Christ. But I am not. I am nowhere near Christ's character. I am a failure and I am a mistake. I should just give up right now... jump off a building or cut my wrist again and bleed to death. I should give up because I not doing anybody good. I only breed heartache. I am selfish and my life is a mess.

I am tempted to end my life but...

I will not.

There is hope. A voice in my head keeps telling me that Someone is not giving up on me. That even though no one in this earth fully understand what I'm going through, Someone in heaven does.

I wish I could be with Him soon. I really do.

Friday, September 4, 2015

I write for myself

It’s 12:58am and a couple of minutes ago I was wallowing. But as soon as I’ve posted what I’ve written earlier, I browsed this blog. I read last year’s post about “waiting” and about “letting go” and letting God, and it dawned on me that I am blogging not just for the sake of dumping my excess emotions here but to encourage myself and remind myself of what I’ve learned before.

I have gone through various phases and stages. I have seen myself crumble and grow but mostly, I have seen God’s faithfulness and love.

This is for my future self. Read this and be reminded that you write for yourself. You need not impress anybody. You only think of God, what pleases Him and what He has done for you.


It’s 12:18am and I’m feeling blue.

I’m scared of love and heartbreaks. They say that love and pain come hand in hand, just as joy and sadness. Why is it that when you open yourself to someone you make yourself vulnerable?

It’s 12:23am and I’m still feeling blue.

One of the reason is you.

I can’t get you out of my head. I see you in the little things and it scares me. I’m afraid that if you hurt me I’ll close my doors again and I will make myself feel numb. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired.

I’m tired of building walls. I’m tired of people leaving… my heart is sore from these heartaches and I’m tired of forgetting God’s promises. I’m tired of failing Him. I want the best for Him but this is all I’ve got… a battered and bruised heart.

My fervent prayer is that I see Him every second of the day, that I may not sway from His Word, and that I may enjoy Him daily, so that my heart will have no choice but shine for Him.