Monday, October 10, 2016

Since I have not been able to blog for months, I shall do another one.

I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw. 

With that said, I write my lament.

I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again. 

Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself. 

I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.

And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable. 

Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power. 

I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months. 

Future Someone pt. 2

I guess I'm tired of the games and the rules of society in terms of loving someone.

Being the predictable "me," when I am in love, it shows.

I don't want awkward dates. I want something that evolved from friendship. I want endless converesations and meaningful talks. I don't want shallow trivials. I want to speak with passion and of our passions. I want to know what motivates our hearts and perks up our minds.

I do not fall for outside beauty for I value the inner soul. Beauty will fade as so this earth. I fall for how someone thinks. I fall for how imperfect and broken they are and the humble way of accepting that they have flaws and that there is only one God who can fix it.

I want to support someone. To help them realize their dreams and be there when their dreams become a reality. I want a companion who can independently think but values my point of view and values my sense of liberty. I do not want to be chained into doing what I do not want or pushed into doing something I do not believe in and he must respect that, in return so would I. But I want someone to rebuke me when necessary, someone who will not tolerate me when I sin. Someone who I can be accountable with.

But most importantly, I want to grow with someone in Christ. Someone to walk with as we journey life with the Lord. Someone who is not afraid to bare his struggles with me knowing that we could work on it together by God's abundant grace. I want to be someone who understands the ministry that I am to take and pushes me and leads me to do everything for God's glory.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...
... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Even if

I love you
Even when you are too silent
I love you
Even though you have hurt me
I love you so much 
That it drives me to jealousy
And it is unhealthy
This should not be

Love is patient and not jealous
Love is kind 
Love is self sacrifice
Love is accepting
Love is to let go
So I will wait for you
Even if our circumstances tell us otherwise

I do not know why I still love you
But the point is
I do.
I still do.

This has got to be the most scattered poem I have made and it is still raw. I don't care. I write what I feel. And I guess it reflects how confused I am right now regarding the matters of my heart.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Updates on 2016 goals and projects

I hate chain mails or chain messages. It annoys me. But I have decided to do one that is quite inspiring and uplifting. There was one chain post on fb that took my attention, well, because someone tagged me to do it. It was about posting a bible verse for seven days to fill the newsfeeed with positive and inspiring posts. I believe at nothing is more inspiring than reading God's Word on fb instead of negative posts like bashings or whatnot. 

So yea, I have decided to do it and I am compiling verses to post. I just hope that the people who I will tag will keep the chain posts going. Oh, also, I have decided to post it using watercolor lettering. So, that I can practice my watercolor lettering skills and at the same time, getting more familiar with the verses that I would be writing. Usually writing the verse helps me to internalize the message or to memorize it. So yea, this would be my project for this 2nd quarter of 2016.

*fingers crossed*

Another thing that I'm going to write here is I got to play the bass again after summer camp. I'm ecstatic to be crossing that goal off my list because I have learned how to play it. But I think I'd rather replace it with a new one... To learn "bass lines" and to be more confident in playing it. Weeeee!

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Finding the good thing in my MRT rides

It's funny how something you detest become something you look forward to.

I used to loathe riding MRT. I hae crowded places especially where people could fire up at any moment because of an inconsiderate move. You have to load up tons of patience to endure MRT rides.

I escaped this daily routine when I got the chance to work in Makati. I rode jeepneys and sometimes I even walk. But the downside of those commutes were minimal reading time or none at all. There's a risk of getting your phone nicked or the bumpy rides would make you dizzy. Plus, you can't really focus on reading while in a jeepney. Even though I miss those short commutes, I am grateful for my train rides now. I am grateful because it brought back my reading life. 

My train rides usually take me 15-30 minutes depending on the traffic (yes, only in the Philippines) and in those measly minutes, I get to enjoy reading books again. Though it is not my usual reading pace, I am still grateful for the reading time I have. 

I remembered a thought to ponder in our BS one friday... It's something like... Finding something you love or likeable in something you hate. I think this is it. I hate my MRT rides but I am grateful because it gives me time to read and that's a good thing for me because I love to read! Also, I think MRT rides were given to me to exercise my patience daily. Haha!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Test post

I don't know if this will still be posted because of the third party thingy going on. Haha. Testing. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Why Am I Doing These?

The start of my year was already a rollercoaster ride. I began the year with my hands full. I had to juggle my ministries, my sideline, my coffee dates, dinner dates, catch up dates, and my family. I am still figuring out how to spread myself.
But that’s the point. I am spreading myself waaaay too thin. And I still don’t know how to NOT spread myself thin.

I want to rest from all of it. I am tired.

But one devo struck me… I shouldn’t grumble. I should be thankful for this opportunity. These are blessings and avenues for me to know more and serve the One who I love and who loves me dearly.

So why am getting weary and anxious?

Maybe I am focused on the wrong things. Maybe I am focused on getting things done, I am focused on the people I have to meet, I am focused on the things I have to earn and on the things I have to give. I have forgotten the REASON why I am doing all these things.

“Why am I doing these things?”

That question is an indicator that I am getting anxious or I am losing my source of inspiration. That question indicates that I have forgotten yet again Who my source of strength should be.

I became egoistic and I started to rely on my strength. But even though I did what I can my efforts were meaningless because the motivation was wrong.
Failures came. I beat myself up for setting high standards. But I saw things that I wasn’t able to see before. I was able to see how God works through failures and our broken expectations. God lets you see your weaknesses and reminds you that He is in control. He also lets you see the beauty of having a church. That even though there were a lot of misunderstandings, God was still able to show the goodness in people. God makes people understand each other’s shortcomings by showing you your shortcomings as well and therefore we should be forgiving. I have learned to forgive myself and forgive others because I have seen how God’s mercy worked through all of those failures.

I do not want my weakness to be excuses. I want my weaknesses to be revealed and the works of God magnified.