I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw.
With that said, I write my lament.
I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again.
Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself.
I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.
And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable.
Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power.
I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months.