Saturday, November 4, 2017
Saturday, August 19, 2017
If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.
All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.
I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.
Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?
I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.
I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.
In summary, I still feel dry.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
For me to get over
We were not meant to be
I was foolish to see
I was blinded by your charms
My walls melted, I was unarmed
But you struck my heart
I was a fool, I fell hard
And now that I am mending
I am slowly stacking and building
Walls that one day would fall again
To a lad who would only see me
As a friend.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
But that’s the point. I am spreading myself waaaay too thin. And I still don’t know how to NOT spread myself thin.
I want to rest from all of it. I am tired.
But one devo struck me… I shouldn’t grumble. I should be thankful for this opportunity. These are blessings and avenues for me to know more and serve the One who I love and who loves me dearly.
So why am getting weary and anxious?
Maybe I am focused on the wrong things. Maybe I am focused on getting things done, I am focused on the people I have to meet, I am focused on the things I have to earn and on the things I have to give. I have forgotten the REASON why I am doing all these things.
“Why am I doing these things?”
That question is an indicator that I am getting anxious or I am losing my source of inspiration. That question indicates that I have forgotten yet again Who my source of strength should be.
I became egoistic and I started to rely on my strength. But even though I did what I can my efforts were meaningless because the motivation was wrong.
Failures came. I beat myself up for setting high standards. But I saw things that I wasn’t able to see before. I was able to see how God works through failures and our broken expectations. God lets you see your weaknesses and reminds you that He is in control. He also lets you see the beauty of having a church. That even though there were a lot of misunderstandings, God was still able to show the goodness in people. God makes people understand each other’s shortcomings by showing you your shortcomings as well and therefore we should be forgiving. I have learned to forgive myself and forgive others because I have seen how God’s mercy worked through all of those failures.
I do not want my weakness to be excuses. I want my weaknesses to be revealed and the works of God magnified.
Friday, December 25, 2015
My Christmas was a simple one. No parties on Christmas eve. It was a silent night at the Mayoca house. We ate our dinner, hung out at the living room, talked with each other for a while, then slept. Christmas morning came and it was as simple as Christmas eve, it felt like a Sunday to me actually. My mom was playing Christian music loudly, a call for us to wake up. We ate our breakfast separately. I played the piano after I had my fill of the morning food. My mother prepared spaghetti for lunch while I prepared the garlic bread. We prayed before meal and ate together.
Simple yet warming.
The most important part of Christmas was not neglected. We thanked the Lord for giving us Jesus Christ and that was what we were celebrating. Our Christmas was not as loud or as “bongga” as other Christmases but it was with joy and peace that God loves us by giving us the most wonderful present of all, the gift of love through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Dear self, do not be discouraged. Stop listening to the voices in your head. They are lying. Trust only in the Voice of Truth. Remember His promise? He will not leave you as you do the work assigned to you. Have faith and seek Him always.
Dear self, cry if you must but dust yourself up. He has promised His mercies will be new every morning. Everyday is a chance to discover how great His love is, so don’t be forlorn, He has forgiven you. Just keep on walking with Him, keep listening to His Voice and obey His instructions.
Dear self, I know that you are tired. You are struggling. He knows and He will not let you go. Please do not let go of Him as well. Take care of yourself for He has great things in store for you. Hope in Him.