I am in terrible shape. I am hopeless yet I am hopeful. I feel bleak, yet I know there is a Light. I feel lost yet I feel anchored. In summary, I am a bundle full of contradictions.
I am still figuring out what to do with my ministries, on where should I focus, or where I am called. Most of the times, I am figuring out where and when did I burnt out?
I am on a temporary leave in the creatives ministry, I will be back in two months, and yet, I feel like not going back. Am I dreading the ministry? Have I lost my purpose and the main reason why I am doing this ministry?
Though I am on a break in the creatives department, I am still willing to serve in the music team. God knows how much I need and love music. Thus, some questions lingered on my mind...
What was my motivation in serving in the creatives ministry? Why did it feel like work? Was it wrong to rest or even think about quitting when I felt I was holding the ministry, the projects, the people back? Am I just making excuses so that I can take a rest or because I don't like doing it anymore?
Why do I feel lost yet I am still compelled to share the gospel? Why do I trust God yet I lost trust in people? Is that still genuine trust? Am I sinning? If yes, why doesn't anybody rebuke me?
I don't know why I am so hurt right now... But maybe because recently, I reached out to people but all I heard was silence. I can't help but feel abandoned because the people I reached to told me that I can talk to them anytime, and I guess I have expected too much. But I will never tire in saying that God is faithful because He provided unexpected people for me to talk with. But still, I cannot forgive myself for hoping that they would be there in my hour of need. I really felt alone. It was an experience I would not wish to anyone, even my enemy.
Hi blogger, you might be wondering why I am back to writing here again... It's because I cannot trust people again. I am tired of opening up. I am tired of trying to explain what I am feeling and yet word fail, thus, they do not fully understand what I am going through. I am always met with eyes scared that I might harm myself, or eyes full of pity. I am tired of joining groups yet feel like I do not fully belong in any of them. I am tired of the struggle.
I wish I could give my life to somebody who needs it so that I can go to heaven and fully worship God without sin. But I wouldn't want any of my loved ones to suffer the aftermath of my death.
As usual, my thoughts were scattered in the paragraphs above but I don't mind. I just need to release them here. I will end this like one of the psalms of David...
Even though I have felt these things and doubted myself, I will never doubt the sovereignty of God. May the Lord continually shake and shape my heart into a heart like His own. I will continue to sing in the storm. Even when it doesn't make sense, I will trust in Your goodness and in Your love.