Saturday, August 19, 2017

I feel dry

My post counts for last year was relatively few and I am hoping it would be different this year (as I have hoped in the past years.) but it never happened.

If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.

All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.

I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.

Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?

I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.

I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.

In summary, I still feel dry.


Saturday, July 22, 2017

As a friend

I think it is better
For me to get over
We were not meant to be
I was foolish to see

I was blinded by your charms
My walls melted, I was unarmed
But you struck my heart
I was a fool, I fell hard

And now that I am mending
I am slowly stacking and building
Walls that one day would fall again
To a lad who would only see me
As a friend.



I used to believe that people would really take up on their promise when they say that they are there for  you or that they would keep in touch. Some would really be there for you but you could only count them with your one hand. Most of them rarely do that. Even I have a problem keeping in touch.

I'm in a phase when I'd rather isolate myself than to hope and be hurt. I would rather be alone than endure petty talks. I am struggling whether to keep reaching out or to stop pestering them with my petty updates or comments. I am struggling to be loving instead of indifferent. I am struggling to be independent and not be needy. I am struggling with a lot of things and it infuriates me that I have not been improving. I seemed to be getting worse.


I would love to tell you how the first half of my year was but I am not ready to recall those frightful months. I am grateful for what happened and it is supposed to mold me, but *sigh* Let's just say if you would summarize the first half of the year in one word, it would be... drought.

Even so, God has been and is always faithful. He will always be.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Since I have not been able to blog for months, I shall do another one.

I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw. 

With that said, I write my lament.

I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again. 

Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself. 

I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.

And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable. 

Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power. 


I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months. 

Future Someone pt. 2

I guess I'm tired of the games and the rules of society in terms of loving someone.

Being the predictable "me," when I am in love, it shows.

I don't want awkward dates. I want something that evolved from friendship. I want endless converesations and meaningful talks. I don't want shallow trivials. I want to speak with passion and of our passions. I want to know what motivates our hearts and perks up our minds.

I do not fall for outside beauty for I value the inner soul. Beauty will fade as so this earth. I fall for how someone thinks. I fall for how imperfect and broken they are and the humble way of accepting that they have flaws and that there is only one God who can fix it.

I want to support someone. To help them realize their dreams and be there when their dreams become a reality. I want a companion who can independently think but values my point of view and values my sense of liberty. I do not want to be chained into doing what I do not want or pushed into doing something I do not believe in and he must respect that, in return so would I. But I want someone to rebuke me when necessary, someone who will not tolerate me when I sin. Someone who I can be accountable with.

But most importantly, I want to grow with someone in Christ. Someone to walk with as we journey life with the Lord. Someone who is not afraid to bare his struggles with me knowing that we could work on it together by God's abundant grace. I want to be someone who understands the ministry that I am to take and pushes me and leads me to do everything for God's glory.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...
... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Even if

I love you
Even when you are too silent
I love you
Even though you have hurt me
I love you so much 
That it drives me to jealousy
And it is unhealthy
This should not be

Love is patient and not jealous
Love is kind 
Love is self sacrifice
Love is accepting
Love is to let go
So I will wait for you
Even if our circumstances tell us otherwise

I do not know why I still love you
But the point is
I do.
I still do.


This has got to be the most scattered poem I have made and it is still raw. I don't care. I write what I feel. And I guess it reflects how confused I am right now regarding the matters of my heart.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Updates on 2016 goals and projects

I hate chain mails or chain messages. It annoys me. But I have decided to do one that is quite inspiring and uplifting. There was one chain post on fb that took my attention, well, because someone tagged me to do it. It was about posting a bible verse for seven days to fill the newsfeeed with positive and inspiring posts. I believe at nothing is more inspiring than reading God's Word on fb instead of negative posts like bashings or whatnot. 

So yea, I have decided to do it and I am compiling verses to post. I just hope that the people who I will tag will keep the chain posts going. Oh, also, I have decided to post it using watercolor lettering. So, that I can practice my watercolor lettering skills and at the same time, getting more familiar with the verses that I would be writing. Usually writing the verse helps me to internalize the message or to memorize it. So yea, this would be my project for this 2nd quarter of 2016.

*fingers crossed*

Another thing that I'm going to write here is I got to play the bass again after summer camp. I'm ecstatic to be crossing that goal off my list because I have learned how to play it. But I think I'd rather replace it with a new one... To learn "bass lines" and to be more confident in playing it. Weeeee!


Saturday, April 9, 2016

Finding the good thing in my MRT rides

It's funny how something you detest become something you look forward to.

I used to loathe riding MRT. I hae crowded places especially where people could fire up at any moment because of an inconsiderate move. You have to load up tons of patience to endure MRT rides.

I escaped this daily routine when I got the chance to work in Makati. I rode jeepneys and sometimes I even walk. But the downside of those commutes were minimal reading time or none at all. There's a risk of getting your phone nicked or the bumpy rides would make you dizzy. Plus, you can't really focus on reading while in a jeepney. Even though I miss those short commutes, I am grateful for my train rides now. I am grateful because it brought back my reading life. 

My train rides usually take me 15-30 minutes depending on the traffic (yes, only in the Philippines) and in those measly minutes, I get to enjoy reading books again. Though it is not my usual reading pace, I am still grateful for the reading time I have. 

I remembered a thought to ponder in our BS one friday... It's something like... Finding something you love or likeable in something you hate. I think this is it. I hate my MRT rides but I am grateful because it gives me time to read and that's a good thing for me because I love to read! Also, I think MRT rides were given to me to exercise my patience daily. Haha!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Test post

I don't know if this will still be posted because of the third party thingy going on. Haha. Testing. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Why Am I Doing These?

The start of my year was already a rollercoaster ride. I began the year with my hands full. I had to juggle my ministries, my sideline, my coffee dates, dinner dates, catch up dates, and my family. I am still figuring out how to spread myself.
But that’s the point. I am spreading myself waaaay too thin. And I still don’t know how to NOT spread myself thin.

I want to rest from all of it. I am tired.

But one devo struck me… I shouldn’t grumble. I should be thankful for this opportunity. These are blessings and avenues for me to know more and serve the One who I love and who loves me dearly.

So why am getting weary and anxious?

Maybe I am focused on the wrong things. Maybe I am focused on getting things done, I am focused on the people I have to meet, I am focused on the things I have to earn and on the things I have to give. I have forgotten the REASON why I am doing all these things.

“Why am I doing these things?”

That question is an indicator that I am getting anxious or I am losing my source of inspiration. That question indicates that I have forgotten yet again Who my source of strength should be.

I became egoistic and I started to rely on my strength. But even though I did what I can my efforts were meaningless because the motivation was wrong.
Failures came. I beat myself up for setting high standards. But I saw things that I wasn’t able to see before. I was able to see how God works through failures and our broken expectations. God lets you see your weaknesses and reminds you that He is in control. He also lets you see the beauty of having a church. That even though there were a lot of misunderstandings, God was still able to show the goodness in people. God makes people understand each other’s shortcomings by showing you your shortcomings as well and therefore we should be forgiving. I have learned to forgive myself and forgive others because I have seen how God’s mercy worked through all of those failures.


I do not want my weakness to be excuses. I want my weaknesses to be revealed and the works of God magnified.

Friday, December 25, 2015

I guess when you grow old, the less festive Christmas day becomes. Some traditions are taken down, some are retained because of practicality and reason. And as we peel off some of the useless traditions we see more of The Reason why we are celebrating Christmas.

My Christmas was a simple one. No parties on Christmas eve. It was a silent night at the Mayoca house. We ate our dinner, hung out at the living room, talked with each other for a while, then slept. Christmas morning came and it was as simple as Christmas eve, it felt like a Sunday to me actually. My mom was playing Christian music loudly, a call for us to wake up. We ate our breakfast separately. I played the piano after I had my fill of the morning food. My mother prepared spaghetti for lunch while I prepared the garlic bread. We prayed before meal and ate together.

Simple yet warming.


The most important part of Christmas was not neglected. We thanked the Lord for giving us Jesus Christ and that was what we were celebrating. Our Christmas was not as loud or as “bongga” as other Christmases but it was with joy and peace that God loves us by giving us the most wonderful present of all, the gift of love through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Let You Go

Slowly, he is replacing you
With thoughts of sprightly melodies
And fond memories

You were hurting me too much
Too silent, inexpressive
I don't know if I could
Still wait for you

I will only wait
For the day
When I would forget
The confusion and pain 
That I have dealt
When I was thinking of you.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

 

Dear self, do not be discouraged. Stop listening to the voices in your  head. They are lying. Trust only in the Voice of Truth. Remember His promise? He will not leave you as you do the work assigned to you. Have faith and seek Him always.

Dear self, cry if you must but dust yourself up. He has promised His mercies will be new every morning. Everyday is a chance to discover how great His love is, so don’t be forlorn, He has forgiven you. Just keep on walking with Him, keep listening to His Voice and obey His instructions.

Dear self, I know that you are tired. You are struggling. He knows and He will not let you go. Please do not let go of Him as well. Take care of yourself for He has great things in store for you. Hope in Him.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Birthday post

Some people wait for the end of the year to reflect on their life. I usually do it on my birthday and it usually makes me depressed. I should be happy I’ve lived this long, but I’m comparing myself to the pace of the world and that’s the reason why it makes me depressed. I set expectations on myself that are sometimes too high and when I don’t achieve them, I get disappointed with myself and it cripples me.

There is an unending war in my head and the only thing that keeps it intact is God’s grace.

Every year I do a birthday post to remind me what I’ve felt and the things that I am grateful for. One thing is for sure… I am immensely thankful for God’s grace and His sustenance. I would cease to exist without Him. I am overwhelmed again by the love from my friends. They are God’s gifts to me. I will forever be wallowing without them.

What else? Hmmm… I did not do anything significant on my birthday except hung out with my cousins. We watched movies, ate a lot, and talked. It was a chillax day but when the night came, it became stressful because I was faced with deadlines that I brought upon myself.

What’s on my head right now?

This quote I posted on fb…

 

“The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

I am blessed and I thank you Father in Heaven for all of the pain and joy You have allowed me to experience here on earth. Thank you for the wonderful and exquisite people I have in my life. Can't wait to be with You someday, but while I'm here, please help me to hope, persevere, and to spread Your light and love.

 

My head is having a hard time to focus, my heart is in turmoil, I keep praying to God but I feel like my ears of my heart won’t listen properly. May God grant me peace and joy in Christ His Son. May His plans prevail and may I be more accepting of His will in my life.