Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Hello blogger, my old friend. I am here again to tell you my woes, some old, some new.

I am in terrible shape. I am hopeless yet I am hopeful. I feel bleak, yet I know there is a Light. I feel lost yet I feel anchored. In summary, I am a bundle full of contradictions.

I am still figuring out what to do with my ministries, on where should I focus, or where I am called. Most of the times, I am figuring out where and when did I burnt out? 

I am on a temporary leave in the creatives ministry, I will be back in two months, and yet, I feel like not going back. Am I dreading the ministry? Have I lost my purpose and the main reason why I am doing this ministry? 

Though I am on a break in the creatives department, I am still willing to serve in the music team. God knows how much I need and love music. Thus, some questions lingered on my mind...

What was my motivation in serving in the creatives ministry? Why did it feel like work? Was it wrong to rest or even think about quitting when I felt I was holding the ministry, the projects, the people back? Am I just making excuses so that I can take a rest or because I don't like doing it anymore? 

Why do I feel lost yet I am still compelled to share the gospel? Why do I trust God yet I lost trust in people? Is that still genuine trust? Am I sinning? If yes, why doesn't anybody rebuke me? 

I don't know why I am so hurt right now... But maybe because recently, I reached out to people but all I heard was silence. I can't help but feel abandoned because the people I reached to told me that I can talk to them anytime, and I guess I have expected too much. But I will never tire in saying that God is faithful because He provided unexpected people for me to talk with. But still, I cannot forgive myself for hoping that they would be there in my hour of need. I really felt alone. It was an experience I would not wish to anyone, even my enemy.

Hi blogger, you might be wondering why I am back to writing here again... It's because I cannot trust people again. I am tired of opening up. I am tired of trying to explain what I am feeling and yet word fail, thus, they do not fully understand what I am going through. I am always met with eyes scared that I might harm myself, or eyes full of pity. I am tired of joining groups yet feel like I do not fully belong in any of them. I am tired of the struggle.

I wish I could give my life to somebody who needs it so that I can go to heaven and fully worship God without sin. But I wouldn't want any of my loved ones to suffer the aftermath of my death.

As usual, my thoughts were scattered in the paragraphs above but I don't mind. I just need to release them here. I will end this like one of the psalms of David...

Even though I have felt these things and doubted myself, I will never doubt the sovereignty of God. May the Lord continually shake and shape my heart into a heart like His own. I will continue to sing in the storm. Even when it doesn't make sense, I will trust in Your goodness and in Your love.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Singing in the Storm

I can truly say that the Bible does not lie when it said that the Lord is close to the broken hearted.

My 2017 was a rich year. I was not prosperous with material things but with heart aches, trials, and hopelessness. But as my life verse says, "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart; wait for the Lord." It is God's plans that will prevail, what we can only do is trust Him, His timing, and His process. 
Last year was hard for me, I had friends who drifted away from me, friends who geographically moved, and friends who sought different priorities. It was a lonely year, I wanted to reach out to my friends and tell them I am at a low point, but at the same time, I am afraid that I will only burden them with my "drama" as some would say, but God was still gracious because He kept a few close friends nearby, which is another testament of His provision. He knew that I would hide it so He used these close friends to be my support. 

In summary, my heart was aching and thirsting for the Lord in 2017, I became working for the Lord instead of enjoying Him as I serve. Ministries became chores, and soon enough, I realized I was burnt out. I ached for a mentor, and still the Lord has not given me one. But who am I to ask? When He has already given Jesus.

But my human nature yearns for a mentor. Someone who would stick for a long time, because I have been through a lot of mentor or leaders in my lifetime, and I have not severed ties with them, but no one ever sticked through like Paul and Timothy's mentorship. Sure, I may have mentors who gave an enormous impact in my Christian life but nobody was persistent enough to still look out for me. Maybe because some of these people were meant to just passed by in my life. I do not know. I am thankful for them no matter what, but I really want to have a mentor.

As my 2018 progresses, I am humbled to know that God used my 2017 to impress some lessons on me. He reminded me to depend on Him in everything, to always always give thanks whether I am on my highs or lows, to always cling on the hope that is in Jesus Christ. 

I remembered asking God in my prayers, how to deny myself and follow Him. Last year, I slowly understood what it meant to deny myself and follow Him. Obedience is hard but when you learn who you really are obeying then, it is no task at all. Obedience turns to love. You obey because you love.

I was broken hearted last year, but it was rewarding to know that I did nothing. It was all God's grace and mercy that made me hope. It was all Jesus who gave me the strength to go on, and it was Jesus who taught me how to still sing amidst the storms.

My prayer is that I can continually sing in the diffent kinds of storms that is coming. I am sure they are coming, and when they arrive, may my voice ring out one name only, Jesus.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Birthday post for 2017

Hello! Hello!

We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...

It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?

My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.

I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission. 

Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping. 

Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

I feel dry

My post counts for last year was relatively few and I am hoping it would be different this year (as I have hoped in the past years.) but it never happened.

If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.

All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.

I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.

Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?

I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.

I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.

In summary, I still feel dry.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

As a friend

I think it is better
For me to get over
We were not meant to be
I was foolish to see

I was blinded by your charms
My walls melted, I was unarmed
But you struck my heart
I was a fool, I fell hard

And now that I am mending
I am slowly stacking and building
Walls that one day would fall again
To a lad who would only see me
As a friend.

I used to believe that people would really take up on their promise when they say that they are there for  you or that they would keep in touch. Some would really be there for you but you could only count them with your one hand. Most of them rarely do that. Even I have a problem keeping in touch.

I'm in a phase when I'd rather isolate myself than to hope and be hurt. I would rather be alone than endure petty talks. I am struggling whether to keep reaching out or to stop pestering them with my petty updates or comments. I am struggling to be loving instead of indifferent. I am struggling to be independent and not be needy. I am struggling with a lot of things and it infuriates me that I have not been improving. I seemed to be getting worse.

I would love to tell you how the first half of my year was but I am not ready to recall those frightful months. I am grateful for what happened and it is supposed to mold me, but *sigh* Let's just say if you would summarize the first half of the year in one word, it would be... drought.

Even so, God has been and is always faithful. He will always be.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Since I have not been able to blog for months, I shall do another one.

I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw. 

With that said, I write my lament.

I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again. 

Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself. 

I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.

And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable. 

Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power. 

I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months. 

Future Someone pt. 2

I guess I'm tired of the games and the rules of society in terms of loving someone.

Being the predictable "me," when I am in love, it shows.

I don't want awkward dates. I want something that evolved from friendship. I want endless converesations and meaningful talks. I don't want shallow trivials. I want to speak with passion and of our passions. I want to know what motivates our hearts and perks up our minds.

I do not fall for outside beauty for I value the inner soul. Beauty will fade as so this earth. I fall for how someone thinks. I fall for how imperfect and broken they are and the humble way of accepting that they have flaws and that there is only one God who can fix it.

I want to support someone. To help them realize their dreams and be there when their dreams become a reality. I want a companion who can independently think but values my point of view and values my sense of liberty. I do not want to be chained into doing what I do not want or pushed into doing something I do not believe in and he must respect that, in return so would I. But I want someone to rebuke me when necessary, someone who will not tolerate me when I sin. Someone who I can be accountable with.

But most importantly, I want to grow with someone in Christ. Someone to walk with as we journey life with the Lord. Someone who is not afraid to bare his struggles with me knowing that we could work on it together by God's abundant grace. I want to be someone who understands the ministry that I am to take and pushes me and leads me to do everything for God's glory.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...
... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Even if

I love you
Even when you are too silent
I love you
Even though you have hurt me
I love you so much 
That it drives me to jealousy
And it is unhealthy
This should not be

Love is patient and not jealous
Love is kind 
Love is self sacrifice
Love is accepting
Love is to let go
So I will wait for you
Even if our circumstances tell us otherwise

I do not know why I still love you
But the point is
I do.
I still do.

This has got to be the most scattered poem I have made and it is still raw. I don't care. I write what I feel. And I guess it reflects how confused I am right now regarding the matters of my heart.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Updates on 2016 goals and projects

I hate chain mails or chain messages. It annoys me. But I have decided to do one that is quite inspiring and uplifting. There was one chain post on fb that took my attention, well, because someone tagged me to do it. It was about posting a bible verse for seven days to fill the newsfeeed with positive and inspiring posts. I believe at nothing is more inspiring than reading God's Word on fb instead of negative posts like bashings or whatnot. 

So yea, I have decided to do it and I am compiling verses to post. I just hope that the people who I will tag will keep the chain posts going. Oh, also, I have decided to post it using watercolor lettering. So, that I can practice my watercolor lettering skills and at the same time, getting more familiar with the verses that I would be writing. Usually writing the verse helps me to internalize the message or to memorize it. So yea, this would be my project for this 2nd quarter of 2016.

*fingers crossed*

Another thing that I'm going to write here is I got to play the bass again after summer camp. I'm ecstatic to be crossing that goal off my list because I have learned how to play it. But I think I'd rather replace it with a new one... To learn "bass lines" and to be more confident in playing it. Weeeee!

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Finding the good thing in my MRT rides

It's funny how something you detest become something you look forward to.

I used to loathe riding MRT. I hae crowded places especially where people could fire up at any moment because of an inconsiderate move. You have to load up tons of patience to endure MRT rides.

I escaped this daily routine when I got the chance to work in Makati. I rode jeepneys and sometimes I even walk. But the downside of those commutes were minimal reading time or none at all. There's a risk of getting your phone nicked or the bumpy rides would make you dizzy. Plus, you can't really focus on reading while in a jeepney. Even though I miss those short commutes, I am grateful for my train rides now. I am grateful because it brought back my reading life. 

My train rides usually take me 15-30 minutes depending on the traffic (yes, only in the Philippines) and in those measly minutes, I get to enjoy reading books again. Though it is not my usual reading pace, I am still grateful for the reading time I have. 

I remembered a thought to ponder in our BS one friday... It's something like... Finding something you love or likeable in something you hate. I think this is it. I hate my MRT rides but I am grateful because it gives me time to read and that's a good thing for me because I love to read! Also, I think MRT rides were given to me to exercise my patience daily. Haha!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Test post

I don't know if this will still be posted because of the third party thingy going on. Haha. Testing. 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Why Am I Doing These?

The start of my year was already a rollercoaster ride. I began the year with my hands full. I had to juggle my ministries, my sideline, my coffee dates, dinner dates, catch up dates, and my family. I am still figuring out how to spread myself.
But that’s the point. I am spreading myself waaaay too thin. And I still don’t know how to NOT spread myself thin.

I want to rest from all of it. I am tired.

But one devo struck me… I shouldn’t grumble. I should be thankful for this opportunity. These are blessings and avenues for me to know more and serve the One who I love and who loves me dearly.

So why am getting weary and anxious?

Maybe I am focused on the wrong things. Maybe I am focused on getting things done, I am focused on the people I have to meet, I am focused on the things I have to earn and on the things I have to give. I have forgotten the REASON why I am doing all these things.

“Why am I doing these things?”

That question is an indicator that I am getting anxious or I am losing my source of inspiration. That question indicates that I have forgotten yet again Who my source of strength should be.

I became egoistic and I started to rely on my strength. But even though I did what I can my efforts were meaningless because the motivation was wrong.
Failures came. I beat myself up for setting high standards. But I saw things that I wasn’t able to see before. I was able to see how God works through failures and our broken expectations. God lets you see your weaknesses and reminds you that He is in control. He also lets you see the beauty of having a church. That even though there were a lot of misunderstandings, God was still able to show the goodness in people. God makes people understand each other’s shortcomings by showing you your shortcomings as well and therefore we should be forgiving. I have learned to forgive myself and forgive others because I have seen how God’s mercy worked through all of those failures.

I do not want my weakness to be excuses. I want my weaknesses to be revealed and the works of God magnified.

Friday, December 25, 2015

I guess when you grow old, the less festive Christmas day becomes. Some traditions are taken down, some are retained because of practicality and reason. And as we peel off some of the useless traditions we see more of The Reason why we are celebrating Christmas.

My Christmas was a simple one. No parties on Christmas eve. It was a silent night at the Mayoca house. We ate our dinner, hung out at the living room, talked with each other for a while, then slept. Christmas morning came and it was as simple as Christmas eve, it felt like a Sunday to me actually. My mom was playing Christian music loudly, a call for us to wake up. We ate our breakfast separately. I played the piano after I had my fill of the morning food. My mother prepared spaghetti for lunch while I prepared the garlic bread. We prayed before meal and ate together.

Simple yet warming.

The most important part of Christmas was not neglected. We thanked the Lord for giving us Jesus Christ and that was what we were celebrating. Our Christmas was not as loud or as “bongga” as other Christmases but it was with joy and peace that God loves us by giving us the most wonderful present of all, the gift of love through His Son, Jesus Christ.