Thursday, December 31, 2009

last blog for 2009

What a way to end the year! hahah! blogging and facebooking! hahhaha!!
i was on a leadership training or retreat on the 29th til today. i got home around 3pm. Fun, is a word i could use to describe retreats but this one was more than fun, rather it's a test of perseverance. why do i say it's a test of perseverance?  for one, we were not prepared physically, sleep-deprived, and we haven't read what we were supposed to have read. with that being said, domino effect occurs. sleep deprivation added to the burden of the sessions, which was tackling the history of Christianity. although i'm a fan of history, my eyes weren't up to the job. 
so here i am, trying to "blog off" my feelings for the extracurricular events happened during our retreat. i'm now in a struggling mode with myself, the things i have learned in the retreat and the things i want to do for the year 2010.

first off, i want to share what i've learned in the retreat. being a leader is serious business. you have to put others before yourself because you know that God wants you to. it's hard considering that you must leave your bubble in order to please a Loving God, but worth trying.  i've realized that what i'm doing in my cell group is not the way God wants me to do, i must thrive for knowledge and wisdom, dig deep through facts and pursue details.
i've been pretty off in my spiritual life last month and this month, and to be honest, i'm not sure if i can pull it up, but i'm sure God can.  so, next year,2010, i'll devote myself in praying for a spiritual climb or any sort of elevation. 

gosh! i must finish this blog before 12midnight, lest the purpose of the last blog in 2009. hahah!

things i should have written left my mind while i was playing facebook. i hope i'll remember them before 2009 ends. haha! but i don't think i will. haha! anyway, i thank God for a pretty eventful year, sad, but inspiring and harsh but hopeful. i'm not proud of the wrong things i've done, so i say sorry to God, but i'm proud of how things turned out after my mistakes, because every mistake i've made added to the things i've learned in 2009. thank God for the people who stood by me. 
i'll spare you the melodrama by stopping here, the fireworks are starting.. so here's to a great 2009, may we have an even better 2010! make room for improvement! woohoo! God bless us!! happy new year! cheers!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

i feel so miserable. kanina pumasok nanaman sa isip ko ung pagpapakamatay. i know it's a sign of cowardice pero nakakapagod na eh. di ko na alam gagwin ko sa buhay ko. naguguluhan na utak ko. un gmga kinakapitan ko binibitawan na ako.ung mga gusto ko sana mainitindihan nila ako, napagod na sa kakaintindi. nakakapagod na din kasi eh. palaging ganito nalang.

ang hirap maging mabuti or maging mabait. mas madaling maging masama. 

di ko nanaman alam kung anong isusulat ko kasi hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. ilang beses na akong nakakapagdisapoint ng tao. actually palagi nalang eh. i'm a dissapointment. 

kanina, dapat nagchurch ako, kumain ng lunch with church, at nagpractice with drama team. pero lahat un nauwi sa pagstay ko sa bahay. ang hirap ng compromise. it's either you choose the one side or the other. 

minsan nakakainis isipin ung mga ginagawa mo sa tao na hindi naman sinasadya pero iisipan ka agad nila ng masama. nakakainis din kapag nangyayari sayo ung ginawa mo sa ibang tao. nakakainis din umintindi sa mga taong hindi naman kayang uminti ng iba. sumasakit na ulo ko! 

kaya nga mas masarap matulog eh. at least nandun ka sa mundo mo, walang gagambala sayo. managinip ka man at least controlado parin ng utak mo. magkamali ka man sa panginip mo hindi maapektuhan ang ibang tao. pero pag sa totoong buhay. isang pagkakamali mo lang , iba na tingin sayo ng ibang tao. isang maliit na pagkakamali mo lang ayaw na nila sayo.

sa kaso ko naman, paulit ulit nang pagkakamai ang nagawa ko. nakakpagod na noh? pero wala, ganun talaga ako. kaya nga h indi ako deserving sa mga binigay sakin ng Diyos eh. hindi ako deserving magkaroon ng kaibigan kasi wala naman ako nagagwa para saknila. pabigat lang ako sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin. mabubuhay naman sila ng wala ako. kaya bakit pa ako nandito sa mundo? 

salamat nalang sa mga friends ko namagaling makisama. salamat sa pagtitiyaga. salamat sa pamilya ko na pinagtityagaan ako ng 20 na taon. tip ko lang sainyo, kung pabigat na ako, patayin niyo nalang ako at least di na kayo gagastos ng mas malaki. ok lang sa kin cremation. maski wag nyo na akong iburol diretsong libing na, ok lang un. 

sa bawat halakhak na bitawan ng bunganga ko... isang dagok ng matalim na kutsilyo sa puso ko. 

gulong gulo na utak ko, may tutulong pa ba sakin ngayong alam nyo na ang tunay kong ugali? ngayong nadissapoint na kayo? ngayong  pagod na kayo sa pagiintindi? hopeless na noh? sorry nalng.. sorry nalang din sakin... 

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I was browsing through the internet for quotes i'd like to share on my plurk and twitter. first, i searched for quotes on loneliness then for love. ahahah!! it's so cliche. hahaha! a teenager's life full of loneliness and searching for love. hahaha! i know! anyway, i came upon 2 quotes about love... one says,"There isn't any formula or method. You learn to love by loving.Aldous Huxley"  and the other one is," Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.Antoine de Saint-Exupery"  The first one I agree, the second one made me think, and also agree that love can't be journeyed by one but two people. they say that it takes two to tango. hahaha! i know, another cliche. 
in my opinion, love is over-rated. teens go gaga for what they think is love but truly, only an infatuation. i don't blame them i was a teen once, so i know how it feels. well, although "over-rated" seems a bit harsh for love, i think it's still over estimated. and i truly think that, we should think that. love is easy to grab but difficult to maintain. when you get married, the true test lies after the ceremony. couples sometimes go out of their focus and peek at their sides. couples, how different they may be from each other, even if the universe is tearing them apart, if they are bonded by God, they must try their hardest to maintain in their relationship, or maintain their focus. for the sake of love's honor. that's why it saddens me when celebrities just marry and divorce after a few weeks or worst! days! 
i don't know why i sudden;y blogged about love and relationships. hmm... life hasn't  been that great for me, a lot of downs and a few ups. my wheel keeps on turning, navigated by the one Whose love never fails me. the world will constantly fail my expectation and will fail to understand me, but Jesus would not ever will fail me. I may fail Him, but He won't, that's why trusting Him must be easy for me. but i am boarding at this world, adapting it's lifestyle, i can drown in doubts and despair, what keeps me sane and alive is God. i don't know how long i must hold on, but all the Christians focus on one thing, the ultimate thing that sets us apart from the world;Jesus Christ and the hope that one day we may be with each other.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

okay! here i go again. This is the continuation of my previous blog which was not finished because of my mood swing. hahha!!

My best friends and I went out last Sunday for some catching up and for a review session. my best friends, are going to take up  NMATH, an examinations for those who are going to pursue a career in medicine or those who wants to  be a doctor, that's why they planned a review session. anyway, they were discussing about how would their life be after they've passed the exams. Christianne said that someone told her that if she has any plans of having a family while studying med , she must abandon it. not only is med toxic but also life with it would mean social life devoid. Jawn on the other hand had set her mind in pursuing that career. well, i admire them for doing something to make their dreams possible. Anyway, when i got home, i was thinking of my future and the things i want to pursue. one thing i know i would like to be doing is to pursue a career related to my course. then, i thought of graduate school. i really want to improve my english because i really love and worship that subject. unfortunately, the subject is something that i do well, not pretty well, but just well. i still don't know all the kinks and high faluting words there is but i'm willing to learn them. haha! in my line of possible works, being fluent in english would mean more edge and the possibility of being hired. anyway, what i'm getting at is i want to study after i graduate. weird enough, students like myself would want to settle for a job but i prefer studying more before i plunge into the world full of deviousness and malice. yes, that's what i think of this world. it's full of shit. it's stinking really bad and rotting. 
this entry is a bit personal 'cause it talks about what i want for my future. but i couldn't care less if it does, because i know few people would read this. maybe none at all. hahaha! anyway, back to what i want to do after i graduate... the plans i have would be, 1st, get a job to sustain our daily expenses, then, pay of the debts me and mom has, and then try to save up for a house, not rental but real estate. along with those things, i plan to help achie cherry for shobe's tuition fee. if possible, i would save up for a piano maski upright lang ok na! hahah! then of course, serve God through my career by donating to the church. hhahahah!!! 
they say that money makes the world go round. i say, God does. hehehe. so if it is God 's will for me to achieve all the plans i've made, then good! i just want my life to glorify God to the fullest. 
God bless all the people i know. May God grant us peace and joy throughout our journey in glorifying His name. To God be the glory!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

before i do my research on my textile design plate, i'm gonna do my blog first. hehehe!
so, i just thought of pakikisama and pampapaplastik. both has something to do with people... i'm just wondering if there's a real pakikisama nowadays? i mean, some people are really phony, only few can you call genuine friends... this thought i plurked earlier, and a friend of mine said that genuine pakikisama is chill lang, ung nuetral lang at marunong makisakay. well, i agree with him. wala lng just thought of this ridiculous issue. hehehe!

i'm looking forward to our "Paskuhan" in UST. it's campus wide Christmas party for Thomasians. I wonder which bands are going to play. last year Bamboo was our main act and we were at the front row so we really enjoyed his performance. heheh!

so much for an update. hahah! ilang paragraph lng. next time nlng, nawala ung mood ko sa pagblog eh. hahha!!!