Monday, September 14, 2015

A Mess

This is one of the moments when I would be sorely tempted to give up. I am tempted to let death take me and leave everything behind. I am not doing a good job of living. I am a walking blunder. I was given opportunities but I wasted them. I am not excelling in the things I do and it's sad. It's a marvel that people can stand me...  and I feel like they are just tolerating me.

I was never a beauty. I'm an artist and I can feel that my family looks down on me. My friends say that they wish they had my creativity but I'm sure they would still prefer other high paying careers than mine.

It's a sad life that you can't open up to your family, you can't fully open up to your friends, nor can you fully rely on them because they too have their struggles and you fear that it would be too much if you burden them with yours. They do not deserve to hear my wallowing and pity fest. It's also a sad thing to keep expecting friends to be with all the time because in reality, they can't. They have lives and their own miseries.

I am a sad sight. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was a more responsible person. I wish I was more organized and prompt. I wish I could be a better friend, someone who people can see Christ. But I am not. I am nowhere near Christ's character. I am a failure and I am a mistake. I should just give up right now... jump off a building or cut my wrist again and bleed to death. I should give up because I not doing anybody good. I only breed heartache. I am selfish and my life is a mess.

I am tempted to end my life but...

I will not.

There is hope. A voice in my head keeps telling me that Someone is not giving up on me. That even though no one in this earth fully understand what I'm going through, Someone in heaven does.

I wish I could be with Him soon. I really do.