Awkward, Green eyes and Trust

 

“Someone once said that it’s choice not chance that determines our destiny.” Jenna Hamilton, Awkward

Still watching “Awkward”. I’m on my  last episode for season one, and I realized that I like guys with dark hair and green eyes, and I know you wouldn’t find one in the Philippines  unless they are wearing contact lenses. Point is, I like my male protagonists with green eyes and dark hair… hold that thought, Alex Pettyfer has green eyes but blonde hair, so I guess, green eyes will do. I think this is one of the reasons why I like Harry Potter. Hmmm.

Another realization, Matty Mckibben looks like a Greek god, more like Hercules. Drool worthy if he’s in a suit…

In the duration of the 40 minutes I was watching the last episode, I was writing this blog and I remembered how I was feeling last night. I had this friend who I keep doubting and judging and he doesn’t know. I feel bad that I’m doing this to him especially when I haven’t heard it straight from his mouth, but the hints were evident and he was lying. You’re daft if you still think he isn’t. With that being said, I wrote an update in my twitter, saying that he’s a liar and I’m a fool for believing him. Then, this part is what when I get lifted out of the dark, (ugh, me and my dramatic connotations.)

A friend asked me what’s wrong. It was unexpected, yet, it was welcomed. I can’t believe that comfort can appear so sudden. From my crappy mood, I became my happy self again. Amazing how God sends people to comfort you, to let you know that there are still good people in the world, that it’s okay to trust them even though you have no assurance. I guess, that is what trust is about… Having to let people in your trust bubble without assurances, but with faith.

Now, I change the title of this post, from “Dark Haired and green eyed” to “Awkward, Green eyes and trust”

It’s amazing too that people doesn’t know the impact of one sentence uttered. Just one “are you okay?” question, can lift up a mood of someone, who’s in a crappy state. The knowledge that someone is taking the time to type those words means a lot to someone desperate.

I guess I am desperate. Desperate of someone to talk with. Someone who is the same with my mind’s wavelength. I know I’ve posted this countless times but I really want to have someone who’ll stick with me. We all do. We are suckers for happy ever after's.

I feel like I’m betraying my close friends for saying this, but I haven’t really opened my heart to the fullest. I may be opening a hole for them to come in, but I haven’t really opened the two doors of my heart. I am still afraid of the hurt that they can inflict me. I don’t have a crippling past and I haven’t felt unwanted just because I’m a illegitimate, but there’s this nagging sense that I am incomplete.

Trust is a big deal to me, I guess, to all of us. Trusting someone is like putting my life on the line. I haven’t thought of this before, but as I have been learning the meaning of trust, I’m starting to think like this. I am still processing the true meaning of it, groping for answers.

This post is becoming a long one, so I will end it with a thought.

Will I ever open my heart to someone fully? Without barricades and barred doors?