Thankful

There are times when life beats you up but God lets you see the good in that beating. I have been experiencing panic attacks this week and it scared me because I feel like I’m going mad. But what I’ve learned this week was something God has been telling me ages ago. That I am not alone.

I have built walls because of numerous heartaches and disappointments but knowing God through these years made me slowly lower down the bridge and let people in.

It has not been easy. Letting people in is risky. It involves opening your heart knowing that people might break them. But God made me realize that in order to appreciate joy, we should appreciate the sadness. In order to fully know love and give out love, you must let love in.

I have been letting people in and as a result I am seeing love all the more. It’s a sweet experience but at the same time scary because I know that nothing is permanent in this earth. But for the few who have entered my fort, I know that our friendship will not last here… but will continue when we see each other in heaven. :)

A dark cloud has been hovering over my head for this past week and I used to rely on God to solve this. I have expected that He’ll just make the pain vanish or I’ll just cry my heart out to Him and everything will be fine. But He reminded me that I have a church. I have friends who would comfort me even though they’ve seen something that is ugly and disturbing. I must admit that I’m still uncomfortable telling people this because they might that I am just over reacting or just being a drama queen. God has reminded me that I am in a church, I have sisters and brothers in Christ who cares for me as much as I care for them. I am not alone. God reminded how the church works, that we spur one another and encourage one another. I am still relying on God for strength to overcome this. I am thankful that this is one of the ways He reminds me that He is with me through friends. Thank You, Lord.

I am also thankful for today because I got to worship with my best friend. It has been ages since we had breakfast and went to church together and I am just so thankful to God for giving us this opportunity again. May bonus pa! We had lunch together pa! I usually have my lunch with choir because we have choir practice after but I wanted to spend the morning with her so yay for today!

Tomorrow

A few may know that I've been depressed and to read something that echoed my thoughts was a relief. It made me feel that I am not alone.

I wanted to repost this poem to remind me of the hope that I've felt when I read this and to remind me that I am not alone in this. And if you have ever felt like this as well, know that are rainbows and silver linings. :)



Promise Me Tomorrow

By Fortesa Latifi

First, I’ll say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for how many days you’ve spent

not wanting to see the next. I’m sorry for

how much it hurts, and I’m sorry you have

to drag that hurt behind you everywhere you go.

I’m sorry for the times when you don’t even feel

the hurt and what’s left- nothing- is so much scarier.

I’m sorry for how scared you are. I’m sorry for how tired

you are. I’m sorry for all the moments you’ve missed out on

while you stayed in bed convincing yourself to keep breathing.

I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Some days, I’m still there.



Second, I’ll say, “brave,”

which is what you are. There is nothing braver than

living through these days with the curtains drawn tight

around your chest and these nights where every candle you own

couldn’t emit enough light to help you find your way.

There is nothing braver than living through these feelings.

You are a warrior in an unsuspecting body, fighting every day

just to be. And I know-

I know how it feels to be in a fistfight with yourself, with your

memories, with your trauma, with your pain. I know how it feels

to beg your brain to be quiet just for a moment, to search for peace

everywhere, to dig through every pile of dirt, to search between every

page of every book, to play hide-and-seek with peace when it is always

changing the rules. You are so brave to keep looking.



Third, I’ll say “tomorrow,”

which is what I want you to promise me. I know tomorrow isn’t

something you think about a lot, and, if you do, it’s not with rose-colored

glasses. Sometimes tomorrow feels impossible. The night is so long

when you feel like you want to die and the dawn seems miles away.

I know. There are so many nights I’ve curled up in bed with

anxiety, who scoots over to make room for depression,

who always calls dibs on the good pillow and there I am,

knees bumping into the wall, begging them to leave me alone. And again, I’m sorry. I’m

sorry these nights visit you more often

than they don’t. I’m sorry they’re such rude guests,

keeping you awake until morning, leaving you scared to sleep lest they get you into

trouble when you’re not watching.



The promise I need you to make is this: We’ll see each other tomorrow.

Tonight doesn’t always keep its promises, but tomorrow has potential.

Find one good thing and hold it tight between your fingers and wait for tomorrow. I

know it’s hopeful of me to ask, but can I see you tomorrow? Tomorrow

is a place where things can be handled and coffee can be made and

you can have your favorite dinner. Tomorrow is a place where we can

figure out a better way to cope with living and tomorrow is a place where,

one day, we won’t be coping – we’ll be living. Tomorrow is where I’ll

see you. I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise.



Can you promise me tomorrow?



Source: To Write Love On Her Arms

Dear Father God,

It’s a joy that in a matter of minutes you have helped me in hoping again. When I didn’t feel like talking to You, You reminded me why I should be. I’m in awe on how You communicate with me and how You comfort me. I was starting to rely on my friends whenever I feel low, but You reminded me that I should come to You first. I am learning to rely on You alone and not on the people around me. You reminded me that Your Presence alone should be enough.

You rebuked me when it is needed but You never fail to remind that You are there in my every step… through good times or bad. You supply my every need and it is such a sweet sweet experience every time You talk to me. Thank you for these verses…

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you!

A Mess

This is one of the moments when I would be sorely tempted to give up. I am tempted to let death take me and leave everything behind. I am not doing a good job of living. I am a walking blunder. I was given opportunities but I wasted them. I am not excelling in the things I do and it's sad. It's a marvel that people can stand me...  and I feel like they are just tolerating me.

I was never a beauty. I'm an artist and I can feel that my family looks down on me. My friends say that they wish they had my creativity but I'm sure they would still prefer other high paying careers than mine.

It's a sad life that you can't open up to your family, you can't fully open up to your friends, nor can you fully rely on them because they too have their struggles and you fear that it would be too much if you burden them with yours. They do not deserve to hear my wallowing and pity fest. It's also a sad thing to keep expecting friends to be with all the time because in reality, they can't. They have lives and their own miseries.

I am a sad sight. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was a more responsible person. I wish I was more organized and prompt. I wish I could be a better friend, someone who people can see Christ. But I am not. I am nowhere near Christ's character. I am a failure and I am a mistake. I should just give up right now... jump off a building or cut my wrist again and bleed to death. I should give up because I not doing anybody good. I only breed heartache. I am selfish and my life is a mess.

I am tempted to end my life but...

I will not.

There is hope. A voice in my head keeps telling me that Someone is not giving up on me. That even though no one in this earth fully understand what I'm going through, Someone in heaven does.

I wish I could be with Him soon. I really do.

Posted via Blogaway

I write for myself

It’s 12:58am and a couple of minutes ago I was wallowing. But as soon as I’ve posted what I’ve written earlier, I browsed this blog. I read last year’s post about “waiting” and about “letting go” and letting God, and it dawned on me that I am blogging not just for the sake of dumping my excess emotions here but to encourage myself and remind myself of what I’ve learned before.

I have gone through various phases and stages. I have seen myself crumble and grow but mostly, I have seen God’s faithfulness and love.

This is for my future self. Read this and be reminded that you write for yourself. You need not impress anybody. You only think of God, what pleases Him and what He has done for you.

 

It’s 12:18am and I’m feeling blue.

I’m scared of love and heartbreaks. They say that love and pain come hand in hand, just as joy and sadness. Why is it that when you open yourself to someone you make yourself vulnerable?

It’s 12:23am and I’m still feeling blue.

One of the reason is you.

I can’t get you out of my head. I see you in the little things and it scares me. I’m afraid that if you hurt me I’ll close my doors again and I will make myself feel numb. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired.

I’m tired of building walls. I’m tired of people leaving… my heart is sore from these heartaches and I’m tired of forgetting God’s promises. I’m tired of failing Him. I want the best for Him but this is all I’ve got… a battered and bruised heart.

My fervent prayer is that I see Him every second of the day, that I may not sway from His Word, and that I may enjoy Him daily, so that my heart will have no choice but shine for Him.

Say Geronimo!

God answers prayers no matter how petty or how irrelevant it seemed to others. He wants you to enjoy life and to see how He loves you.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I noticed Sheppard's free concert posters at SM MoA. I was doubtful because, duh, free concerts are rare nowadays unless the artist is really passionate about music, it's a publicity stunt or an advetising campaign. Anyway, we decided to go because apparently it was really free.

The day of the event came and I was planning to go off work early. I wasn't able to. The concert was supposed to start at 6pm but it started at around 7:30pm and I was still on the train. Thank God that my friends went early and had me listen to Sheppard via phone. I was immensely grateful for that because I wanted to hear them sing live and I would take it even if it's through the phone.

As each song I heard Sheppard sing via phone, my heart sank because I realized that I might never hear them sing live again for free. I was in the taxi when I prayed to God to let me hear at least one song... just one song, Say Geronimo! And this is the part where I tell you that God answers prayers.

My friend told me that the set list was almost done, maybe one or two songs left. I prayed fervently to God, just one, let me hear just one song. As soon as the taxi stopped at our destination, I paid him and ran towards the music hall. My heart was pumping loudly because of excitement and anticipation. I heard the crowd singing with the band, I felt their energy. I was still at the phone with my friend and was telling at them that I'm near the area and voila! I'm in. I'm at the concert! They were singing their second to the last song and guess what?! I got to hear them sing Say Geronimo live!

What made me elated was the fact that God answered my prayer in a matter of minutes,  the song was just a bonus. He made it possible. If I was late by a minute I wouldn't experience the song fully. But wait there's more!

Not only did He gave me a song to appreciate but He gave me two more songs for encore! I asked for one song and God gave me two! By this time I am in awe. Even though the songs were not really God glorifying... the experience made me see Him again. It made me ponder of His love for us and His great timing.

This was a great night. I thank God for the friends He gave to make this more memorable. I thank God for the lessons through this concert. And I thank God that even though we forgot to take a photo, we had a grand time!

Oh yea, I took one photo of the stage but forgot to take other pictures because I was enjoying their songs too much.

You Got Me Smiling

Woke up in the morning
With you in my head
I thank God I'm alive and I'm breathing
Because you got me smiling

On my way to work
With my headphones on
I nod my head to the music playing
Hey, it's our song and you got me smiling

And here I am
Thinking of our talks
This poem that I'm writing
It's for you, I think I'm falling.



Inspired by the song of Sheppard called Smile. :)

Back to Blogger

I'm back! Saw a blogger app on google play so here I am though I'm a bit torn between maintaining my tumblr account and blogging here. What to do? Hmmm...

Not for me

 

He’s perfect but he’s not for me.

I have found a man who almost completed my checklist. He fell short at the age arena. And it sucks because people has been telling me that we “click” but the age thing was just the hindrance and maybe we could just wait it out and see what happens. I say, it’s not the age that prevents an “us” from happening. It’s him.

Unless he moves nothing would happen. Or unless God moves His hand, nothing will happen.

But see, there’s a problem. I’ve fallen for him. I have felt what the other people felt about us. There was a connection, but I doubt it would deepen. It’s just sad because I know it is one-sided.

I guess this will be another addition to the list of my heart breaks. Still I thank God for giving them because I get to learn something.

I remember praying for someone who I can work with in my ministries. Someone who has the same passion for music, books, and God. Someone who could make me focus more in being Christ-like. Someone who has the patience to understand my roots and my quirkiness. I prayed for someone to be my partner in life so that we can testify God’s love through our relationship. I wanted my relationship to be a part of my worship as well.

You know what, instead of praying for this someone to fall for me, I should be praying for my heart. It is distracted yet again. May the Lord help me focus on His words and His love alone. May I thirst for Him earnestly everyday.

 

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By the way, I have been blogging on my Tumblr account since December 2015. I made a Tumblr account because I couldn’t spot a blogger app on my android phone. Since it’s easier posting photos on Tumblr and since it was the only “blogging” app that looked reliable for my phone, I decided to use it.  Visit www.amayoca.tumblr.com to see more of my posts.

One Thing Remains

The owl in me was keeping me awake. I could not concentrate on the project that I was supposed to be doing, so I took the Silver Sharpie beside me and began doodling a line in the song that was on my playlist. The song's title was One Thing Remains. The lyrics was pretty repetitive but it was heartfelt. 

Everytime this song plays on my music list, I am reminded of how enormous God's love is, that there is nothing that can take us away from His love. Death was conquered by His great love. 

When times are hard and things are bleak, remember His love and His promises for they will never fail.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --- Romans 8:37-39

Stars

I could not remember when did I grew fond of stars. I used to doodle hearts on my notebooks instead of stars when I was in grade school. It evolved into flowers in high school, then I started to doodle less girly things when I was in college, but I couldn't remember when did I grew fond of stars.

I have posted before that I like looking at the stars. Everytime I would come home late, I would tilt my head up and marvel at these heavenly bodies. I would do that while walking, so that would give me a couple of minutes to admire the sparkling sky. What boggles me is my fondness with these wonderful beings. Together with my fondness of them, I like hearing about them. Most of the songs I love are about stars or has the word "stars"in their title or lyrics, like Starlight, Yellow, A Sky Full Of Stars, Catch A Falling Star, and other more. When and how did this fondness began?

Nevertheless, I sincerely thank the Lord for blessing us with these enchanting diamond drapery on our night sky.

Posting from an iPad

An awesome and generous friend gave me an iPad because she wanted me to play clash of clans with her. They had one that was not in use for years so she gave it to me! Yaaaaaay! How cool is that? I assured her that I wouldn't use it just for games but for other things too. I'm so grateful for this iPad!

I feel like I'm babbling again, but I just want to try if blogging from this device works. Let's see!

If Only I

"... and I'd talk to you if only I could speak

and I'd dream of you if only I could fall asleep."

- Jon Mclaughlin, If Only I

There are times when we would commit the mistakes we've done before and it's too late when we realize it. There are times when we'd commit these mistakes thinking that we have learned our lesson but we haven't. 

To someone I used to like...

I was willing to overlook your flaws and I was so willing to only look at your flairs, but you see I was blinded by a longing. I was longing for someone who I could share my moments with and have my own little bubble with, someone I could have the pleasure of talking until reality beckons us, or someone who would stay with me in silence. I was longing for someone's presence in my life and I was so glad that I stopped wishing it was you. I was so glad that I woke up from my infatuation and that I know who I should be longing for.

We both have things to learn and I think I have learned mine. I fervently hope that you have learned yours as well before any regret happens. Nevertheless, I thank God for letting me meet you and know you. For without you, I wouldn't have known what I was looking for. I would still put you in a pedestal that you don't deserve. You were meant to live in a chapter of my story and I have turned my pages to write the next one. You were a character in passing and I'm glad of it.

I Know Where I Want To Go

I know where I want to go
I want to go to new places
And see different faces
To figure out puzzling mazes
And fill out empty spaces

I know what I want to be
I want to be a better me
To fill a life full of glee
To not wallow in misery
And to be satisfied in the thought of eternity

I know who I want to marry
Someone funny and jolly
Someone who would keep up with me
What times are hard, he would not leave my side
He would hold my hand and remind me of
The God who we love and who is alive

Ways to Go

 

Most of my blog posts were inspired by songs (I may not have mentioned it but most of them were) and this one was inspired by the “feel good” groove of Grouplove’s Ways To Go. I was nodding to the beat when it dawned on me that I haven’t blogged since July, so here I am writing on my eventful August.

(Open Season by High Highs on my background)

My August started with our company retreat. I was on a spiritual high because I was reminded yet again of God’s promises and what it He wanted us to do. I wanted to project God’s love through my ministries so I volunteered. I stood up and ran towards Effie Trinket who was on the stage holding a piece of paper and shouted, “I VOLUNTEEEERRR!”

I’m kidding. Of course, Effie Trinket wasn’t in our retreat.

I only texted someone and told him that I wanted to help in a particular ministry. He said, yes. Lo and behold, my August was swamped with meetings and practices. But I am grateful because I get to serve Someone I love.

Speaking of love, let’s get into that arena. Last month, my heart and mind was still at war. I was still raw and butt hurt and I was unforgiving, but God was nudging me to talk it out with Him, and I did. I spat all my hurts and my anxieties concerning my love life and you know what, He listened and He calmed me. It was one of the sweetest experience I had with Him. From an angry and miserable woman, I became more accepting and forgiving. I have accepted that I was being impulsive and impatient, and it was one of the things that I have to learn in this phase.

I have decided (again) to wait it out. I would not make a move. I would let God do all the moving. Some of my friends would say that it would be a stupid move, that nothing would happen if I don’t move. But I have decided that I would wait. I want to do nothing except for the things that God wanted me to do, and so far, His instructions were to wait on Him. So I’m focusing on my ministries and in my relationship with Him.

One of the highlights of my August were my family’s and my best friend’s birthday. I cooked for my mom on her birthday. It was a simple dish. White sauce and pasta. I remembered that she used to cook the same thing when I was younger so I cooked one for her. I bought my cousin ice cream naman on her birthday. I didn’t cook for my best friend’s birthday because she treated us dinner. We had a grand time eating Filipino cuisine at BGC (I forgot the resto’s name) and we had ice cream afterwards. 

So there, I have updated you, my blog, with the highlights of my August.

 

Ah yes, one more thing, I am 7 books behind my reading challenge schedule and I’m feeling bad because I haven’t finished a book for July. What is happening with my reading life?! rawr! Anyhoo, I’m currently reading Stardust by Neil Gaiman and I am hoping that I would finish reading it this month.

 

Ciao.

Donate

This thought has been on my mind for quite some time...

on the event that I die, I want all possible organs to be donated to any hospital or to people who need them.

I also want to be cremated, that's why I wanted to donate any of the possible limbs or organs in my body to be put in good use. If my family were to face a difficult decision of keeping me alive, I want them to think of the greater good. I would love to be able to help people and to help them know more about Christ, even if it means that I would die.

I know that it would be a hard thing to decide upon. I do not know what the future holds for me. I might die in a second or after I'm done writing this blog, but one thing I am sure of, I know who holds my tomorrows. Whatever happens, I am glad to be part of His plan. 

The 2nd Law

The 2nd Law is the 6th album of MUSE released on 2012. I could still remember the hype of the Musers when it came out. Some did not like the album because they don't like dubstep. Some liked it. Some said that it has too much Queen on it. No matter what people said, I liked it. Loved it! I loved how MUSE experimented on their albums. By the way, this was the first MUSE album I have on cd and I plan on buying a tangible copy of the other albums as well.

The first three tracks were my top 3 favorites in the album. My favorite track would be Madness, 2nd would be Panic Station, 3rd for Supremacy. Every time I hear it, I feel my head bobbing to it. I loved the rhythm of the song and the elements in it.

I was listening to a spotify playlist and it played Madness, and I realized that even though it was released two years ago, it could still perk me up. I look forward to their next album and what would their inspirations be.

I am on my windowsill

I am on my windowsill
looking afar
wondering about places
or doors ajar

I am on my windowsill
Sitting and waiting
for the doors of my heart to open

I am on my windowsill
daring anybody to come near

I am on my windowsill