War Music

 

“War music, beautiful drumming noise

War fire, wild fire, you have no choice”

 

I must say that episode 9 of GOT”s season two is the most thrilling by far. My  heart was hammering, my hands were clenched, I felt like I was in the battlefield. Beautiful effect with the war fire, rich with gore. The fear for death and the blood lust is enough to make my nerves rattle. I was breathing heavily after this episode. It was over whelming. Brilliant.

Stannis, the cold soldier, versus Tyrion, the brilliant lion, off to battle at the gates of King’s landing. I’m a bit worried with Clegane… I always thought that he was fearless. Now we know what makes a dog flee… Fire. By the way, I’m getting more amused with Varys, his banters with Tyrion and I really want to know how and why he was cut.

This episode was well plotted. I didn’t even long for a glimpse of the Robb’s war or the Dothraki khaleesi or the cold war at the Wall. It was awesome, in huge proportions. It was beautiful.

I find it really hard to say…

… I love you.

So if you are one of the people that I have said it to, I mean it. I can’t even say it to my mom. I say it to my close friends but rarely and some try to wheedle it out of me, which is annoying. But take note, I RARELY say it with initiative, most of the “I love you’s” I’ve said were for reciprocating purposes. I’m sorry.

I don’t say “I love you” back simply because I don’t feel it. I try to be honest in saying what I feel, and sometimes I think I should have a filter in my mouth. If you find me confident or easy going, I think I’m the exact opposite because I’m socially awkward. You can see me interacting with a few people who I’m genuinely interested in (most of them are book worms or movie and music geeks), I’m a dork in my own way. I’m weird and it’s hard to fit in with people who are socially applauded and accepted.

I’m always wondering if I would be able to find a lost soul with the same dilemma as I have. What joy it will be to know that you are not alone in this pity fest.

I think I’m still afraid of getting hurt. I am a coward for keeping my bottled feelings. I am afraid of risking my heart when it’s in pieces. I’m afraid of braveness because of its power and greatness.

I am simply scared.

true love?

 

True Love. What does it mean to find true love?

Have you seen the movie “Love Actually” ? well that’s the answer, true love doesn’t have to be seen in a boy-girl relationship but it can be seen in different people, from friends to family, and every thing in between. I know I should elaborate more but if you’ve seen the movie or watched the last episode of Once Upon A Time then you’d get what I mean.

True love isn’t only for couples but it comes from different shapes and sizes. From a Mother’s love to a friend’s devotion, it is undeniably the most honest and true form. True love is about being self less, giving up yourself for the person or that something you love.

I was watching “Once Upon A Time” , the last line uttered was… “Magic Is Power” and here I was thinking that “Knowledge” is power. hehe. Lame, I know.

 

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I just remembered a dream I had earlier… I was with a guy I was fond of, and he and I were with each other’s arms in my dream, something that would never happen in reality because I am what I am (invincible) and he is what he is (driven and popular), also, he’s out of the country. Anyway, we are still friends in real life.

Now that I remembered that I dreamt about him, my heart longs for him. The same way every time I dream about my crushes. Such longing that I could burst into flames. (well, that was an exaggeration)

 

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Okay, medyo kilig mode ngayon, I trust not one of my friends will read this so neither will my relatives. hehe. I was in the bank because I need to deposit some cash from our sales when I saw the manager. He’s not all good-looking swoony type of guy but he’s neat and somehow a “chinito” so he’ll do. hehe. wala lang. while I was at the cashier, he went up and looked at the deposit slip which was unusual since he has clients on his desk, or so I thought. ha-ha. wala lanng. the assumera in me strikes again.

Never believe in happy endings

 

Pessimistic, am I? Nah. It’s just the truth.

Let me justify the title of this post. First, endings are never happy. Why would you end it if you’re happy? Only fairy tales have happy ends, not in real life. So please spare me with all the mushy nonsense that love makes happy endings real. No, it doesn’t. Any practical man would see reason to this argument.

Let’s be realistic here. Okay, so you fall in love, get married, then what? Have babies, be torn with your career and family life. Get sick or grow old, then you die. We live to die. Only morbid people would love to die. Unless you are really religious and you would die for your religion, but that’s a different light to tackle.

We live to die. It’s as simple as that. No happy ends, just a rotting corpse, who was melancholically buried. It’s a sad affair. So now, tell me, is that a happy end? Yeah, thought so.

Aside from this bitter skeptic rant, I am pleased to inform you that I am not giving up on love. I’m only bracing my self, putting myself in a “no-expectation” zone, which is really hard, by the way, knowing that girls are all-assuming and suspicious beings. But typing it here makes it more difficult because I know that I’ll be expecting no matter what happens. Unless I’m a bed-ridden, comatose patient. (no offense)

As I have said before, I am in a continuous battle with my mind. The desires of my heart are gagged by mind which is really frustrating hence these senseless rants. The dictatorship in the society is suffocating, the stereotyping and the judicial glares of the world is crippling especially to a fee mind.

Okay, now, I didn’t understand what I just said.

Fuck this stupid mind. Fogged, clouded and messed  up.

All Heroes please apply

 

Quoting Ms. Jenna Hamilton in Awkward, “ … in need of saving. All heroes please apply.”

I am such a lost soul and any help would be gladly welcomed.

I’m blogging again because I watched “Awkward”, influence of Ms. Jenna Hamilton. I can’t believe that all she’d gone through would be possible in real life. It’s a fairytale, but then, it’s just a series so it’s all made up.  I’m still swooning over Matty. Every girl wants to make a good boy out of a bad boy and every boy wants to see some bad-assness in a good girl. I don’t think I’ve phrased that well, but you get the picture.

So why am I blogging again? I feel small. I’m not overly fond of my job, I feel inferior to my high school and church friends and I think my spiritual life is going down hill. I can honestly say that I still believe in Christ and all the glorious things attached to Him, I am just becoming too worldly. I am a naïve being, trying to find inspiration in this fucked up world, trying to see the beauty in living. I am a girl who is now facing a fork in the road, looking at faceless options, afraid of leaping.

I am still the girl who finds it hard to fully trust people, her heart was programed to give them a “benefit of the doubt” but her brain tells her to do otherwise. A girl who is in denial even though she subconsciously knows the answer to her questions. A girl who is battling with her inner conscience, battling the fears of pretentious faces and hard biting truths.

Thus, I need a hero.

I need someone to tell me how to straighten out this mess. Someone who’ll go through the process WITH me. I know you’ll tell me that I have friends and family, but I wouldn’t be asking now if they were there for me, wouldn’t I? I am not implying that they are not reaching out, I am merely pointing out that they are the types who’ll listen, I mean it’s good… but I need an understanding ear. An ear who knows what I’ve been going through. There might be some who are reaching out but  I don’t think I’m trusting them enough. Hence, my contradictory and clouded thoughts.

I am not satisfied with where I am right now, so I am calling out for help. Any heroes with supersensitive hearing or empathetic abilities to radar a crying heart?

Please. please apply.

Awkward, Green eyes and Trust

 

“Someone once said that it’s choice not chance that determines our destiny.” Jenna Hamilton, Awkward

Still watching “Awkward”. I’m on my  last episode for season one, and I realized that I like guys with dark hair and green eyes, and I know you wouldn’t find one in the Philippines  unless they are wearing contact lenses. Point is, I like my male protagonists with green eyes and dark hair… hold that thought, Alex Pettyfer has green eyes but blonde hair, so I guess, green eyes will do. I think this is one of the reasons why I like Harry Potter. Hmmm.

Another realization, Matty Mckibben looks like a Greek god, more like Hercules. Drool worthy if he’s in a suit…

In the duration of the 40 minutes I was watching the last episode, I was writing this blog and I remembered how I was feeling last night. I had this friend who I keep doubting and judging and he doesn’t know. I feel bad that I’m doing this to him especially when I haven’t heard it straight from his mouth, but the hints were evident and he was lying. You’re daft if you still think he isn’t. With that being said, I wrote an update in my twitter, saying that he’s a liar and I’m a fool for believing him. Then, this part is what when I get lifted out of the dark, (ugh, me and my dramatic connotations.)

A friend asked me what’s wrong. It was unexpected, yet, it was welcomed. I can’t believe that comfort can appear so sudden. From my crappy mood, I became my happy self again. Amazing how God sends people to comfort you, to let you know that there are still good people in the world, that it’s okay to trust them even though you have no assurance. I guess, that is what trust is about… Having to let people in your trust bubble without assurances, but with faith.

Now, I change the title of this post, from “Dark Haired and green eyed” to “Awkward, Green eyes and trust”

It’s amazing too that people doesn’t know the impact of one sentence uttered. Just one “are you okay?” question, can lift up a mood of someone, who’s in a crappy state. The knowledge that someone is taking the time to type those words means a lot to someone desperate.

I guess I am desperate. Desperate of someone to talk with. Someone who is the same with my mind’s wavelength. I know I’ve posted this countless times but I really want to have someone who’ll stick with me. We all do. We are suckers for happy ever after's.

I feel like I’m betraying my close friends for saying this, but I haven’t really opened my heart to the fullest. I may be opening a hole for them to come in, but I haven’t really opened the two doors of my heart. I am still afraid of the hurt that they can inflict me. I don’t have a crippling past and I haven’t felt unwanted just because I’m a illegitimate, but there’s this nagging sense that I am incomplete.

Trust is a big deal to me, I guess, to all of us. Trusting someone is like putting my life on the line. I haven’t thought of this before, but as I have been learning the meaning of trust, I’m starting to think like this. I am still processing the true meaning of it, groping for answers.

This post is becoming a long one, so I will end it with a thought.

Will I ever open my heart to someone fully? Without barricades and barred doors?