Post birthday post

This post has been delayed for a month but for a change this year's birthday celebration was a good one. Why?

First point, I had 4 cakes which really makes my birthdays happy.

Second, I have been secretly longing for a surprise birthday greeting and my officemate did this without knowing my longing. So, yay!

Third, I got to spend in with my family and relatives, because it fell on a Sunday. I got to spend it with church mates as well.

So yeah, my birthday this year was not a lonely one. Thank you Lord.

But since I am writing here again, it means I have emotions and thoughts I want to release... I have been feeling like my usual optimistic self for maybe two months or so, but lately, I have been feeling bleak again. I feel irritated at people who I am not supposed to be irritated. I feel worthless again and that I am not doing my tasks well. I feel like I am not needed in the world and that it would be best if I disappear. I am sure my friends will recover from their loss... But will I be a loss? 

I feel suffocated yet I know that this will pass, that this is just an attack for me to lose my identity in Christ. So I tell myself that I am a child of God. Nothing will separate me from His love.

May God help me remember His promises and not succumb to sin. 

Hello blogger, my old friend. I am here again to tell you my woes, some old, some new.

I am in terrible shape. I am hopeless yet I am hopeful. I feel bleak, yet I know there is a Light. I feel lost yet I feel anchored. In summary, I am a bundle full of contradictions.

I am still figuring out what to do with my ministries, on where should I focus, or where I am called. Most of the times, I am figuring out where and when did I burnt out? 

I am on a temporary leave in the creatives ministry, I will be back in two months, and yet, I feel like not going back. Am I dreading the ministry? Have I lost my purpose and the main reason why I am doing this ministry? 

Though I am on a break in the creatives department, I am still willing to serve in the music team. God knows how much I need and love music. Thus, some questions lingered on my mind...

What was my motivation in serving in the creatives ministry? Why did it feel like work? Was it wrong to rest or even think about quitting when I felt I was holding the ministry, the projects, the people back? Am I just making excuses so that I can take a rest or because I don't like doing it anymore? 

Why do I feel lost yet I am still compelled to share the gospel? Why do I trust God yet I lost trust in people? Is that still genuine trust? Am I sinning? If yes, why doesn't anybody rebuke me? 

I don't know why I am so hurt right now... But maybe because recently, I reached out to people but all I heard was silence. I can't help but feel abandoned because the people I reached to told me that I can talk to them anytime, and I guess I have expected too much. But I will never tire in saying that God is faithful because He provided unexpected people for me to talk with. But still, I cannot forgive myself for hoping that they would be there in my hour of need. I really felt alone. It was an experience I would not wish to anyone, even my enemy.

Hi blogger, you might be wondering why I am back to writing here again... It's because I cannot trust people again. I am tired of opening up. I am tired of trying to explain what I am feeling and yet word fail, thus, they do not fully understand what I am going through. I am always met with eyes scared that I might harm myself, or eyes full of pity. I am tired of joining groups yet feel like I do not fully belong in any of them. I am tired of the struggle.

I wish I could give my life to somebody who needs it so that I can go to heaven and fully worship God without sin. But I wouldn't want any of my loved ones to suffer the aftermath of my death.

As usual, my thoughts were scattered in the paragraphs above but I don't mind. I just need to release them here. I will end this like one of the psalms of David...

Even though I have felt these things and doubted myself, I will never doubt the sovereignty of God. May the Lord continually shake and shape my heart into a heart like His own. I will continue to sing in the storm. Even when it doesn't make sense, I will trust in Your goodness and in Your love.

Singing in the Storm

I can truly say that the Bible does not lie when it said that the Lord is close to the broken hearted.

My 2017 was a rich year. I was not prosperous with material things but with heart aches, trials, and hopelessness. But as my life verse says, "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart; wait for the Lord." It is God's plans that will prevail, what we can only do is trust Him, His timing, and His process. 

Last year was hard for me, I had friends who drifted away from me, friends who geographically moved, and friends who sought different priorities. It was a lonely year, I wanted to reach out to my friends and tell them I am at a low point, but at the same time, I am afraid that I will only burden them with my "drama" as some would say, but God was still gracious because He kept a few close friends nearby, which is another testament of His provision. He knew that I would hide it so He used these close friends to be my support. 

In summary, my heart was aching and thirsting for the Lord in 2017, I became working for the Lord instead of enjoying Him as I serve. Ministries became chores, and soon enough, I realized I was burnt out. I ached for a mentor, and still the Lord has not given me one. But who am I to ask? When He has already given Jesus.

But my human nature yearns for a mentor. Someone who would stick for a long time, because I have been through a lot of mentor or leaders in my lifetime, and I have not severed ties with them, but no one ever sticked through like Paul and Timothy's mentorship. Sure, I may have mentors who gave an enormous impact in my Christian life but nobody was persistent enough to still look out for me. Maybe because some of these people were meant to just passed by in my life. I do not know. I am thankful for them no matter what, but I really want to have a mentor.

As my 2018 progresses, I am humbled to know that God used my 2017 to impress some lessons on me. He reminded me to depend on Him in everything, to always always give thanks whether I am on my highs or lows, to always cling on the hope that is in Jesus Christ. 

I remembered asking God in my prayers, how to deny myself and follow Him. Last year, I slowly understood what it meant to deny myself and follow Him. Obedience is hard but when you learn who you really are obeying then, it is no task at all. Obedience turns to love. You obey because you love.

I was broken hearted last year, but it was rewarding to know that I did nothing. It was all God's grace and mercy that made me hope. It was all Jesus who gave me the strength to go on, and it was Jesus who taught me how to still sing amidst the storms.

My prayer is that I can continually sing in the diffent kinds of storms that is coming. I am sure they are coming, and when they arrive, may my voice ring out one name only, Jesus.