Saturday, October 13, 2012

I miss you and it hurts.


Dear friend,

Have you watched “Perks of being a wallflower”? I have, and I cried. I know how Charlie felt but unlike him, I have friends.

I know that you do not read any of my blogs so I’m writing what I feel here. I know that this is a cowardly move, but I cannot tell you myself, because I cannot express it verbally.

I want to tell you that I miss you so so so much that it hurts. It might be the hormones talking but I’ve felt it before I PMS’ed, so I think this is a valid rant. I know that it Is not your fault that we don’t go out that much, that we don’t hangout that much, that you have a boyfriend, that we only talk about maybe 20 minutes a week or maybe less… I don’t blame you. Life has caught up with us and I can understand that. I just miss you.

Friend, I feel left out and I am depressed. I may not look like it but I feel like shit. I feel like a hypocrite. I always feel cheerful when my friends are around, but when I ‘m home and alone with my thoughts, I’m sad. You told me that you noticed that I get silent when we are with some of our friends, and I can’t tell you why. Well, I tried telling you but I couldn’t explain it properly. I get quiet because of the things that goes on in my head. Sometimes I think that the conversation is shallow, sometimes I think I cannot keep up, sometimes I think that you don’t need my opinion, and I’m sure there are some other reasons that I can’t remember.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this because I know that God loves an insignificant teeny wee and little being like me, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel that the world would be better off without me. I have thought about this a dozen times and I did nothing good with the world. The world does not need another sinner, another being who does not exude the qualities of a good and perfect Christian. I am a mass of disappointment.

I really wish that I would just stop thinking of these things, but I could not tune it out. Well, maybe I could, but only by reading and watching movies/series and thinking about God.

If you have watched Perks of being a wallflower, Charlie and I have something in common. We overthink and we get depressed.

If the forces of the world conspired to make you read this, then you know how I felt. The next time we meet I’ll just act as if you haven’t read this and that I did not blogged this. We would go on as if nothing happened, it would be easier that way.