Hello again, Blogger, my old friend.
It's been months since I have posted and frankly, with all the things that is happening in the world, it's not strange that I haven't been posting lately. My posts are dwindling but I hope I get to be here more often since it's quarantine.
The world is in a frightful state not only because of the Corona virus pandemic but because the pressure it has put on people that revealed who they really are. 2020 started poorly and it seems like the new normal has taken place.
So after months of hiatus, why am I blogging?
Because I am feeling this gnawing feeling again. I haven't felt this in a while. I sort of miss it but I'm a bit disappointed as well that I am feeling it.
What is this enigmatic gnawing feeling? It's the feeling of wanting someone badly and it hurts.
I have been chatting with men on Bumble a couple of weeks ago because of the quarantine and I just wanted to talk with new people. Whenever I talk to these guys, I keep thinking, "Is he the one?" "Will he be able to keep up with me?" "Can he hold out deep conversations?" "Am I really interesting to him?"
Chatting on Bumble and meeting new people is a bit taxing because it has a rule that women should chat first. I got excited the first few days but I got a a bit confused because of the volume of men I am talking with. I mean, it's not a hundred men, maybe less than 10 or 15. 10% of them wanted a booty call, but surprisingly, 90% does not. Out of the 90%, 50% lost interest or ghosted me after a couple of messages, 40% held out a fairly interesting conversation. But this is not really healthy, so, I uninstalled the dating app and kept in touch with a couple of them in other social media platforms, maybe four of them, I think. These men chatted with me for a couple of days more and then the frequency of chats dwindled, until only two of them were left.
I'm not expecting much from these men. I mean, we're in quarantine and we haven't met and they are probably busy with their own lives and jobs as well. Maybe I was left with this gnawing feeling because I want to be committed to someone. I want to pour out my thoughts about life, have deep 4am conversations, or just get good morning messages, have plans after ECQ. And I wanted it to be one of these men.
Another source of the gnawing feeling is my insecurity. I have entertained a few men before, but only in chat. Some asked me out, but I was either scared of the date or I just didn't like them. As much as possible I want to be honest and upfront. I would give you the opportunity to talk to me and if you cannot keep up with me, it's pointless to even have a date with me. I know that I have a high standard for a someone like me, but I just want to keep true with what I want. Okay, back to my point. I feel like no man has ever persisted in really getting to know me, and this gnawing feeling stems from hoping that one of these two men will persist and persevere because they genuinely like me, with all the quirks and moodiness.
So yeah, that's the main reason why I blogged today. I needed to get the off my chest.
Oh. Another reason is I want to revamp this blog, update the layout and banner, upload more meaningful and thought out content. I'm thinking of posting my artworks/projects here or just dump it in Wordpress, or will this be just a rant blog? We'll see.
