Monday, April 23, 2012

same wavelength

I don’t know if It’s the hormones talking or I am delusional, but I feel like a lot of people are annoyed with me. I feel that nagging feeling that someone I talking behind my back. I feel so saaaaaad. I am becoming the person that I don’t want to be. I am becoming a hypocrite..

I need someone to talk with, but I can’t seem to trust anyone to understand me. Alam mo yun, maraming available for talking pero di mo naman mapagkakatiwalaan, ung mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo naman, di mo masabihan. I’m thinking if I’ve made the wrong choice of friends, or sadyang nagbabago na ako. Am I changing for the better or for worse?

This feeling… argh!! you just want to yank it out of your chest and throw it to the dogs. It makes me sick. My mind is so tired of thinking.. of assuming… Oo na, assumera kasi ako. Arrgggh! I just want to scream!

I am longing for that one person who will tell me, “I understand you, I went through the same thing.” Hindi ung out of politeness or walang masabi kaya sasabihin niya.

Hindi ko din alam kung bakit parang nagagalit na ako sa mundo. Ang dumi dumi kasi. nakakafrustrate. nakakawalang ganang mabuhay. Gusto mong gumawa ng mabuti para naman mapalapit ang mga tao sa Diyos pero grabe ang hirap, parang ang pangit ng pagbalik. Ewan, I should trust God diba, in times like this? I trust Him naman, I just want to rant. I want to tell Him that I’m feeling this off towards my friends, that I am wasting my time being a miserable wench but I’m still doing it. I am telling God that I want to die because I’d rather die than sin again.

But you know what will God put into my thoughts after I’ve said all those things? Trust and hope for His perfect plan. Don’t think of death because you have a mission for Christ. You have to uphold a good testimony because you are a Christ ambassador. It’s okay for me to feel this way, because that’s what I am. Human. Imperfect beings made perfect by God’s love.

So what happens after my tirade? I release of some of the boggling thoughts in my mind. Though I am sure that it will come back, I am sure too that God will provide a way for me to turn it around. I’m still hoping for someone who will share the same wavelength of thoughts with me, the same views and beliefs. By the time, he/she arrives, I will praise God, as always, and I will put it in my testimony as an answered prayer. 

Eto papala, I noticed that when I‘m boasting about something God takes it away. One time, I boasted that UST will win the Basketball championship again, turns out top 4 lang. I’m scared of God’s training, pero I’m grateful din because I’m experiencing His discipline in humbling. I have loads to learn but if God is my teacher then I’ll be willing learn.

Arggh. there goes that nagging feeling again. Can somebody call fredie kreuger and just rip my heart out?