Monday, February 7, 2011

Mushy.

I'm tuned in to 94.7 while The Fray" is singing "how to save a life" at me. With a cup of warm coffee beside, I'm all set for ranting.

It's February, the love month, as they constantly remind me. You see it on the streets, the posters, everywhere is buzzing with the Valentine's fever.

To be honest, I've done little of flirting in my 21 years of existence. I am as what you call, dense and "torpe". One thing that might describe me at this moment it a song by White Stripes... the lyrics goes like this...


"Yeah, You don't know what love is
you just do what you're told..."


Truth is, I don't know what love is...
Am I in love when I think of him constantly?
Am I in love when I relate every little thing to his life?
Am I in love when he makes my heart flutter?
Am I in love or am i stupid enough to believe him even though my instincts tell me that he is lying?

I am writing this blog with one guy on my mind. He has been residing in my mind for years now. He doesn't know that, or does he?
I quote Peeta on this, he doesn't know the effect he has on people.
I know he has changed but, boy, every time I see him again, my heart goes bonkers.
I've had a bunch of crushes, distractions, i might say, but after I get tired of them, I come back to him.
We haven't talked for months and I don't know what he's been up to these past months. I miss him so much. He makes my heart ache. If you browse through my blogs, he will be the guy I'm talking about.

Commercial break: I swatted a mosquito on my screen. ew.

Anyway, recently I've been thinking and maybe, or I've known this all along... I haven't got over him yet. Twice he broke my heart. And still he makes it beat. Well, not him entirely.

Okay, another thing to discuss.
I have not been talking to God lately and my life sucked. It's true, really. When you stopped talking to God or fail on your relationship with God, You might as well be crippled. There's a void that can't be filled by human love nor by worldly pleasures. There's a spot in your heart that is reserved for God. It's like a light switch, God is the only being that can turn you on. Once the light is off, you feel scared, lost and confused. But with God, it's like a light being switched on, you see everything fall into place. You see your meaning in the world. It is really astounding how one moment I seem to drown into despair and the next moment driven by the Holy Spirit, I turn to praise God.

Patching a relationship is hard but as our pastor says, it's God who does the reaching, all we have to do is reach back. We are saved not because we earned it but because God chose us to be saved.
I don't know why I'm so confident that God will help me get back to my feet, when I should wallow in grief for the sins I've thrown at Him. I have sinned and I do not deserve His Grace yet He keeps showering it on me. I do not deserve it one bit, not even a milli bit. I am a fool who keeps on disobeying Him and yet He is so Merciful and so compassionate. I do not know what to do, I turn a deaf ear at him but He keeps on shouting advices. I turn a blind eye at Him but he acts out His instructions. I am not fit to be His servant yet He calls me.

I am torn. My mind in a battle. I am not doing well. I hope He saves me once again before I drown, again. Again. Again.