Not for me

 

He’s perfect but he’s not for me.

I have found a man who almost completed my checklist. He fell short at the age arena. And it sucks because people has been telling me that we “click” but the age thing was just the hindrance and maybe we could just wait it out and see what happens. I say, it’s not the age that prevents an “us” from happening. It’s him.

Unless he moves nothing would happen. Or unless God moves His hand, nothing will happen.

But see, there’s a problem. I’ve fallen for him. I have felt what the other people felt about us. There was a connection, but I doubt it would deepen. It’s just sad because I know it is one-sided.

I guess this will be another addition to the list of my heart breaks. Still I thank God for giving them because I get to learn something.

I remember praying for someone who I can work with in my ministries. Someone who has the same passion for music, books, and God. Someone who could make me focus more in being Christ-like. Someone who has the patience to understand my roots and my quirkiness. I prayed for someone to be my partner in life so that we can testify God’s love through our relationship. I wanted my relationship to be a part of my worship as well.

You know what, instead of praying for this someone to fall for me, I should be praying for my heart. It is distracted yet again. May the Lord help me focus on His words and His love alone. May I thirst for Him earnestly everyday.

 

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By the way, I have been blogging on my Tumblr account since December 2015. I made a Tumblr account because I couldn’t spot a blogger app on my android phone. Since it’s easier posting photos on Tumblr and since it was the only “blogging” app that looked reliable for my phone, I decided to use it.  Visit www.amayoca.tumblr.com to see more of my posts.

One Thing Remains

The owl in me was keeping me awake. I could not concentrate on the project that I was supposed to be doing, so I took the Silver Sharpie beside me and began doodling a line in the song that was on my playlist. The song's title was One Thing Remains. The lyrics was pretty repetitive but it was heartfelt. 

Everytime this song plays on my music list, I am reminded of how enormous God's love is, that there is nothing that can take us away from His love. Death was conquered by His great love. 

When times are hard and things are bleak, remember His love and His promises for they will never fail.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --- Romans 8:37-39

Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 24:14

I have never been more sure of what God wants me to focus on this year. I have been side tracked by potential romantic ventures but through God's guidance and a bucket full of prayers, God has reminded me to seek His kingdom first.

It is so hard to wait for it (that special someone) especially when you see so much potential in a prospect and when you see that his heart is with the Lord. God has counseled me and has been constantly reminding me that this is one of His lessons about patience and humility, because I have asked Him before about this and now He is slowly teaching me, and I am forever grateful.

Yesterday, I have been so confused because my feelings and my thoughts are not well with each other. I was scared and really bothered because I was really close to following my emotions once again. Yes, once again, because I have been in this place before and I was impatient, I saw an opportunity and I grabbed it without waiting for God's go signal. The result? My heart  was crushed.

These few weeks my heart has been bothered my emotions that I couldn't fully understand but through God's wisdom, through bible verses and books, God has reminded me to trust in Him and... to wait for Him, wait for His plan to unveil before my eyes and the only thing required for me to do is to continue searching for Him. My prospect might be a distraction today but who knows, God might be reserving him to be a blessing in my life. Whatever happens today, I plan to seek God first. I pray that He will guide me as I do so.

He has said it before...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 

I have never been more excited in knowing more about Christ and in following His footsteps, not because I long for that special someone, but because of His goodness, His love, I want to know more about those things, because I feel like I've only seen parts of it. It is intoxicating and I want to learn more about Him. My heart wants to see more of Him and the way He is working in people. I have been blessed by His grace and I want to pay it forward. I want to let the people know that this is the God worth following. This is the God worth loving. This is the God who will never leave you. This is the God who will allow you to be hurt because He loves you. This is the God who has suffered before you have suffered. This is the Almighty God who has designed you and has known you before you were born. This God gave His ONLY Son so that you can live today... so that you can live with Him forever in all the glorious makings of heaven.

"For God so love the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

It is hard, the work is hard, but I am sure that it would be worthwhile. He has given me glimpses of what could happen through testimonies and in my life, and I ask myself, why wouldn't I trust this awesome, infinitely gracious and astounding, magnificent God? 

Checklist

Before my thoughts scatter in the realm of the unknown, I have to tell you something that happened in our Bible Study earlier. Let me fast forward to the prayer requests… Our leader was asking for our prayer requests and most of my fellow members were insisting on praying for my love life ( and I dare not delve on the others’ prayer requests)  “God’s Best” as they coined it, our inside joke. At first, I was adamant to not focus my prayer request to my love life, but they gave me the “ticking body clock” talk so I caved in and let them include my love life in my prayer request. So I guess, I have half-heartedly prayed for my love life?
Anyhoo, after the prayer I got scared, ‘cause what if God readily agrees to my prayer and gives me a “love life.” I mean, yes, of course, I’d be grateful but I’m just really scared. I’m not ready to have a relationship. Period. I think I’m not mature yet to handle a relationship and I haven’t been a good Christian lately. If I couldn’t focus on God, what more if I’m in a relationship.  But if God would give me a Christian boyfriend who would bring me closer to Him, then, bring it on!!! I’d welcome him with open arms!

While I was lurking in fb, filtering through my unread notifications and news feed, I saw a goofy photo of my friend, then some mad photo manipulation by a friend. The photo manip , for me, implied that the guy was a cool dude. It occurred to me that some guys like to be cool in front of the girls. Well,  I want my man to be goofy and to be not afraid of looking silly or not cool. I’m not asking for someone who doesn’t have self preservation but someone who enjoys the moment and someone who laughs at their mistakes. With this in my mind, I draw my checklist.

1. growing Christian (Protestant) (deal breaker)
2. Taller than me (please lang ang liit ko na, tapos mas maliit pa siya?!)
3. good mannered / gentleman
4. speaks the English language fluently
5. Potterhead (I dream of a HP inspired wedding. LOL)

Major turn on’s:

• Cool Nerd. (Brain is the new sexy)
• Potterhead
• fluent in English
• Book Worm
• Smells good
• Nice taste in music
• sculpted biceps
• expressive eyes
• Manly voice (Alan Rickman-ish)
• sense of humor

many more to come, I am sleepy. Will be updated further in one my next posts.

Para sa sumulat ng tula

Ang tulang ito ay para sa mga bigo and puso,

Para sa mga natatawa sa pick up lines na uso,

Para sa mga nagmistulang tanga sa kakalike ng quotes,

Para sa mga ngumangata ng quacker oats.

Para ito sa mga nagpapaasa at forever na umaasa,

Para sa mga kaibigang sa pagibig ay dalubhasa,

Para ito sa mga puppy love, TL at mga hipon,

Para ito sa mga gumagastos at sa mga nagiipon.

Para sa mga sanay magpaalam at sa mga first time,

Para ito sa mga “I love you” bukas, always at all the time,

Para to sa mga kunwaring humihikab at sinisipon,

Para ito sa mga lantarang umiiyak at forever alone.

Para ito sa mga may love life at syota,

Syokoy man o mermaid, maski bakla.

Para ito sa mga babes at pies,

Para sa mga nanggago at nagsabi ng “lies”

Para ito sa mga sugod ng sugod,

Pati na rin sa mga shy type at kunwaring pakipot,

Para sa mga emo at malungkot,

Para sa mga amoy gwapo at gwapong mabantot

Para ito sa mga mahal ninyong himig,

Pati na rin sa mga innosenteng walang hilig.

Para ito sa trying hard na sumulat ng tula,

Para saki din pala ito dahil ako ang nagsimula.








*** inspired by "Para sa Masa" by Eraserheads ***

" goodbye to love" to "you should date"

I don't mean to be so dreamy this early morning but you see it all started with the Korean drama series called City Hunter. My cousin was watching it so I have no choice but to watch it too. The main character was trained to be emotionless, to not be too attached, to not feel, to be numb and sturdy for their revenge. His adopted father told him, "Do not trust, do not fall in love." I was resolved to not fall in love, so I plurk'ed it. Then the ripple began, my friend responded with a song from The Carpenters, "I'll never fall in love again". I replied with another Carpenters song... "Goodbye to love" 




I was prepared to greet my lunch with a bitter countenance but I saw this article from my friend on twitter entitled: "You Should Date..." and it made me dreamy once again. This is inspiring, it makes you hope for the best, but the what if's are swirling like flies on my head, pessimism takes over... and I won't mention them here for the fear of spreading bad vibes. Even if I do not write it here, you'll be thinking the same things with me, won't you? 


What inspired me in the article was the differentiation between character and personality. Oftentimes, similarities bring people together, but you'd see their true character after you've seen your differences with each other. 

The person I want you to date has character. When you’re young, all you’re looking for is personality. Charm. Compatibility in music and book taste and food preferences. I think these are all well and good but character is what sustains a relationship when all of these things change. Personality is ever-evolving, character grows and amplifies in time. Character is when a person does beautiful things without seeking credit. It’s when someone doesn’t quit — even if every fiber of their being begs them to. It’s the ability of someone to graciously expend back-breaking heart-wrenching love to someone who has disappointed and failed them. Character is that beautiful thing that gets molded over time and experience. Be someone with character and never settle for someone without it.

I'd like to quote this too...

But the person I want you to date is a person who knows how to resolve conflict especially when it blows up in both your faces. Their ego will never be too big to own up to their mistakes.

And here's another article, I think a response to the previous article mentioned... link
These articles makes you go, "awww" and "yes! that is so true" that's why I love reading them. They are not love experts but they have nice opinions about it.




I've been berating myself to wait for it, to not think about it, but my environment is not helping! I've scolded my mind to think of other things or to focus on serving God instead but my mind is weak, so is my heart.the heart can't help but be infatuated and be confused. No, I am not in love. I'll know when I have fallen, that is when I can catch a grenade and take a bullet for that person. Love for me is not a petty thing that would make you go giddy and make your heart all fluffy with butterflies on your stomach feeling. It is something that would be engraved on you, something that will reside in you till you die. 


All  I can do is let nature take its course, make and sometimes let things happen. Life is still full of surprises, we just have to be pliable to its flow, our heads pointed to the sun.