Challenges

Challenges can either make you or break you. I choose the former.

It's not surprising that this would be my first post for 2019. A lot has happened. Challenges happened. With God's grace, I was able to survive them.

As we have approached the 2nd half of the year, I cannot help but reflect on my challenges for the first half of 2019. Problems popped up in almost all the aspects of my life except love life... well, I think that one is really problematic, so I take back what I said, I had problems in EVERY aspect of my life. But I will not dwell on them too much for I know what will happen if I think about them too much.

But what I have learned through the hardships is "moving." In whatever state you are in, in whatever problem you are facing, you should always look up and look forward. Even if you feel like you are stuck, you have to still move, day by day, until the time comes when God would take you out of your slump. Successful people did not become successful by doing nothing. They moved, they initiated ideas even though many were against them, and they faced their giants. Even in front of their fears, the most important thing they did was to move. There were times that they stepped back but they took every learning experience from it.

I guess I am encouraging you, dear reader (or maybe me when I back read in the future), that whatever happens, hold on to hope and do not forget your goal. If you have achieved a goal, make another one or help others achieve theirs, and do not cease to hope for tomorrow. There will always be tomorrow until the day comes when we have to face our Maker.

Challenges made me who I am and made me learn more about myself and how to handle myself in adversity. I have yet to fully manage myself, but I am confident that I will continue to be positive and be joyous in hardships, for I know Who holds my tomorrows. 

Birthday post for 2017

Hello! Hello!

We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...

It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?

My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.

I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission. 

Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping. 

Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...

... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Stars

I could not remember when did I grew fond of stars. I used to doodle hearts on my notebooks instead of stars when I was in grade school. It evolved into flowers in high school, then I started to doodle less girly things when I was in college, but I couldn't remember when did I grew fond of stars.

I have posted before that I like looking at the stars. Everytime I would come home late, I would tilt my head up and marvel at these heavenly bodies. I would do that while walking, so that would give me a couple of minutes to admire the sparkling sky. What boggles me is my fondness with these wonderful beings. Together with my fondness of them, I like hearing about them. Most of the songs I love are about stars or has the word "stars"in their title or lyrics, like Starlight, Yellow, A Sky Full Of Stars, Catch A Falling Star, and other more. When and how did this fondness began?

Nevertheless, I sincerely thank the Lord for blessing us with these enchanting diamond drapery on our night sky.

Donate

This thought has been on my mind for quite some time...

on the event that I die, I want all possible organs to be donated to any hospital or to people who need them.

I also want to be cremated, that's why I wanted to donate any of the possible limbs or organs in my body to be put in good use. If my family were to face a difficult decision of keeping me alive, I want them to think of the greater good. I would love to be able to help people and to help them know more about Christ, even if it means that I would die.

I know that it would be a hard thing to decide upon. I do not know what the future holds for me. I might die in a second or after I'm done writing this blog, but one thing I am sure of, I know who holds my tomorrows. Whatever happens, I am glad to be part of His plan. 

There were times when all we wanted was to be left alone. Whether it be under the sheets of your bed or a favourite nook in your room, all we wanted was to be left alone with our own thoughts.

There were those times too, when we were overwhelmed by our emotions that we could not distinguish what we feel. They were all mixed up that they made you numb, until you go into your corner and be at it for some time. Slowly, you would unravel each emotion and the reason behind it. In the process of unravelling, you  would find yourself wallowing on each emotion. Then, you would come to a point where you would realize that wallowing was pointless, and then you move on.

There were those times too, when you were wishing you were blogging something more sensible and informative, but you just wanted to post a blog not for post counts but for the mere reason of posting your thoughts somewhere other than your laptop (which would fail you some day) or your brain (which eventually would cease to work... someday) or for the reason that you wanted someone to read your post and empathize with what you're writing and that you are not alone.

Groovy and Music

It's already half of May and I haven't written a single thing for May. This blog is in need of more dedication and revamping.

A friend of mine told me that she noticed a certain similarity to the music that I listen to. My friend was right, the songs I like/love usually have nice bass lines. I remember calling them "heartbeats." I like how they make you nod or make your heart go thumpity thump thump! The way the bassline filled the low parts and made the songs groovier excited me.

Among my favourite bass lines is The White Stripe's Seven Nation Army. The intro is just deliciously wicked! Speaking of "intro," I love The XX's Intro... I love everything in their self titled album.

Before you assume that I'm a music expert, I should clarify that I am no music geek nor a music fanatic, I am nowhere near music obsession to be called a fanatic, but I would like to have those labels... someday. Alas, I am a mere music enthusiast. I LOVE music and I dislike silence. I function well when I listen to music and I would like to know more about music.

But if plugging your earphones when you're in the train or you couldn't last a day without listening to music, to any kind of music, an obsession, then whoop-dee-doo, I'm a music fanatic!

The last three paragraphs doesn't make sense, so I'm just going to stop typing, before I add more nonsensical sentences. By the way, I'm listening to The XX while I write this. Their music is just too good for my writing, my ear and my brain is too busy focusing on their grooviness.

Ciao.

Little things

I am a romantic, a sucker for happy endings and grand gestures. But even though I am sentimental, I adore details. I believe in the saying "it's the thought that counts." At the end of the day, the little things would count. At the end of the day, the reason behind the gesture would count. Never do anything without meaning or it would be a waste of your time. Life has a reason. Find it.

Look at the stars

 

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do, yeah, they were all yellow…”

In about 15-20 seconds I could walk from our gate to our house. In about 15-20 seconds I get to look up and see the stars.

I have a habit of looking at the sky when I walk home. I would often hope that I would see a cluster of stars shining down on me. Who could blame me? They’re fascinating. They live longer than humans and they glow. I don’t know. Every time I see them, I am oddly comforted. I feel relaxed. I just love looking at them. But I could only look at them from afar because we all know what would happen if you go near one. You would burn.

Nevertheless, I would never get tired of staring at the stars even just for a little while. They would enchant me forever.

Checklist

Before my thoughts scatter in the realm of the unknown, I have to tell you something that happened in our Bible Study earlier. Let me fast forward to the prayer requests… Our leader was asking for our prayer requests and most of my fellow members were insisting on praying for my love life ( and I dare not delve on the others’ prayer requests)  “God’s Best” as they coined it, our inside joke. At first, I was adamant to not focus my prayer request to my love life, but they gave me the “ticking body clock” talk so I caved in and let them include my love life in my prayer request. So I guess, I have half-heartedly prayed for my love life?
Anyhoo, after the prayer I got scared, ‘cause what if God readily agrees to my prayer and gives me a “love life.” I mean, yes, of course, I’d be grateful but I’m just really scared. I’m not ready to have a relationship. Period. I think I’m not mature yet to handle a relationship and I haven’t been a good Christian lately. If I couldn’t focus on God, what more if I’m in a relationship.  But if God would give me a Christian boyfriend who would bring me closer to Him, then, bring it on!!! I’d welcome him with open arms!

While I was lurking in fb, filtering through my unread notifications and news feed, I saw a goofy photo of my friend, then some mad photo manipulation by a friend. The photo manip , for me, implied that the guy was a cool dude. It occurred to me that some guys like to be cool in front of the girls. Well,  I want my man to be goofy and to be not afraid of looking silly or not cool. I’m not asking for someone who doesn’t have self preservation but someone who enjoys the moment and someone who laughs at their mistakes. With this in my mind, I draw my checklist.

1. growing Christian (Protestant) (deal breaker)
2. Taller than me (please lang ang liit ko na, tapos mas maliit pa siya?!)
3. good mannered / gentleman
4. speaks the English language fluently
5. Potterhead (I dream of a HP inspired wedding. LOL)

Major turn on’s:

• Cool Nerd. (Brain is the new sexy)
• Potterhead
• fluent in English
• Book Worm
• Smells good
• Nice taste in music
• sculpted biceps
• expressive eyes
• Manly voice (Alan Rickman-ish)
• sense of humor

many more to come, I am sleepy. Will be updated further in one my next posts.

My Cherie Amour

 

La la la la la la, La la la la la la La la la la la la, La la la la la la ♪♫

For some odd reason, Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour got stuck in my head since last night. And I was thinking, if I were to score a rich dude with a fancy-shmancy attitude, I’d like him to call me, Mon Cherie, at least once. Or when we’re in a cheestastic mood.

But a girl could only dream.

It’s not like Matty Mckibben would fall down from the sky or maybe Alex Pettyfer, and I highly  doubt it if God would give me a fairy tale love life, all I’ve got is a fart-y tale. I wouldn’t mind if He did, girls are suckers for prince charming’s. Well, most of us, some go for the bad-ass dudes.

Anyway, I’m still playing My Cherie Amour and would be the song for this night as well. I would play it until I get tired of it. Give or take, two days, maybe? While I’m at it, why won’t you listen or sing along with me!

 

 

Here’s the lyrics:

"My Cherie Amour"

La la la la la la, La la la la la la
My cherie amour, lovely as a summer day
My cherie amour, distant as the milky way
My cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine
In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street
I've been near you, but you never noticed me
My cherie amour, won't you tell me how could you ignore
That behind that little smile I wore
How I wish that you were mine
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
Maybe someday, you'll see my face among the crowd
Maybe someday, I'll share your little distant cloud
Oh, cherie amour, pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart beats for
How I wish that you were mine
La la la la la la, La la la la la la
La la la la la la, La la la la la la

 

It’s such a sweet song. Thanks to Silver Linings Playbook, I remembered how beautiful the song was again.

Hello March

 

Hi there, March. I would try and blog as much as I can. Why? Just because I want to practice myself in expressing my thoughts through organized words. Gah!

Anyway, updates on my work. None. I still have no job and I plan to have one before March ends. I am pretty sure that I should blame myself for having no job offers yet because I haven’t been REALLY trying. One reason would be, I want to be fully prepared when I do this “job hunt,” because if I’m not prepared I would lack the confidence. I want a fresh start and I want to do everything right. I want to do it in my own terms, but, of course, in God’s terms too. I know that it would too much to ask for a Christian environment at work but I’m praying that God would put me where I could work on His ministry and of course, do my artsy fartsy thingies too.

---

I hate it when my playlist play what I feel. I have decided to shrug off my “love life” and any “pursuits for my love life happiness” because I really plan to stick with my “work first” motto this year. So far, my plan is not working, because I have no work. (no pun intended)

I should also be evaluating my Christian life. I was reminded of the “salt and light” verse in the Bible today, and I was thinking, have I been shining for God lately? I honestly think that I am not.

What am I going to do? Try?

No.

I am going to try harder. I really hope that God would give me the strength to flip off my pride so that He could start working in me again, because I am pretty sure that I haven’t been on the “fiery” phase of my Christian life.

Another reminder for today? God gave me a broken heart for me to focus on Him while he mends it. He was steering me in a different direction, telling me that He has another plan for me. Someone who He thinks fit. And there’s nothing for me to do but to trust Him.

Friday BS

 

I have to say that this is not about anyone’s bullshit that was made on a Friday. BS stands for Bible Study. I know you are about to click the exit button from the moment you saw the word “bible”. And I’m not sure if you have religious allergies or not, but I’m pretty sure you know where this is going.

First things first. What we have been discussing in our Bible Study these past weeks? It was about the Indescribable magnitude of God’s awesomeness. Our little human minds cannot fathom nor grasp the enormous knowledge thrust to us by our Heavenly Father through his unworldly works. What am I saying? Fire up Google and search for “the universe”. Who says science and religion cannot work together? Just the mere photo of the sun makes us wonder who our God really is.

Our BS group have been watching two films about the earth, the universe, and the human body. The speaker explained to us how far the earth is to its neighboring galaxies and how big the stars around it. He clarified that they were not the twinkle twinkle “little” star we used to sing in our nursery years, but humongous entities floating in the universe, gazillions larger than the earth. The sun, as he implied, was a speck of dust, considering that the earth is millions smaller than the sun. We are infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, insignificant organism in God’s grandiose artwork. If I were to compare the Universe and the unexplored heavenly bodies out there to a canvass painting, we, the human beings are not in the picture. We are not even in the filament of the strands of the canvass. We are insignificant, and yet, we are considered miracles.

Yes, I am on my way to telling you that you are special. We, the infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, not even a speck of dust, insignificant beings of the earth, are special. God made sure that we are special. We are tiny organisms that was designed by an awesome God with epic designs and details. Even our chromosomes were designed perfectly and intricately by God.

Here’s an interesting piece of trivia that will baffle you.Google search the word, laminin. Well, okay, searched it for you…

 

So what does it tells us? Like I told you earlier, God designed us intricately and knows us by each cell, particle, and molecule. He even designed a detailed and scientific proof of the uniqueness of each human being, and that is by looking into our DNAs.

For how many millennia has God reassured us of his unending love for us. He even declared it through his Son, Jesus Christ, yet we think that He is not good for us. Why? We have our own reasons. But you know, God is not a quitter. He will never ever quit on us. He will always give us an option to make a U-turn. His arms are always open.

Patience, wait, hope, golf ball, Sirius, Canus Majoris, Pollux, earth, sun, empire state building ; these are the random words that I got out of the video. Conclusion? God gives strength to those who wait and hope. He does not promise a smooth sailing journey, nor a 5-star treatment from the people around you, but He promised to give you the strength to keep you going on, for you to keep moving forward, and forward, and forward, and forward, until the day of our reunion with Him. That promise still stands.

Untitled

 

I was watching Life As We Know It and some guy said something like raising a kid is the most married thing you can get. I was thinking, well, maybe wondering, what if I had a father? What would my life be? Would I see my parents have petty fights? Or would I still be an only child? Would they be all lovey dovey and I’ll go and say “get a room?” Would my father be committed to my mom? What would I call my father?

But those questions will be left unanswered because I don’t have any plans of looking for my father. For all I know, he might be dead. *shrugs* I won’t mess the life of his family nor his children and I expect them to the same. It’s sad that I never got to meet him.

And before I get depressed… I will now read “The Mark of Athena”.

I miss you and it hurts.

 

Dear friend,

Have you watched “Perks of being a wallflower”? I have, and I cried. I know how Charlie felt but unlike him, I have friends.

I know that you do not read any of my blogs so I’m writing what I feel here. I know that this is a cowardly move, but I cannot tell you myself, because I cannot express it verbally.

I want to tell you that I miss you so so so much that it hurts. It might be the hormones talking but I’ve felt it before I PMS’ed, so I think this is a valid rant. I know that it Is not your fault that we don’t go out that much, that we don’t hangout that much, that you have a boyfriend, that we only talk about maybe 20 minutes a week or maybe less… I don’t blame you. Life has caught up with us and I can understand that. I just miss you.

Friend, I feel left out and I am depressed. I may not look like it but I feel like shit. I feel like a hypocrite. I always feel cheerful when my friends are around, but when I ‘m home and alone with my thoughts, I’m sad. You told me that you noticed that I get silent when we are with some of our friends, and I can’t tell you why. Well, I tried telling you but I couldn’t explain it properly. I get quiet because of the things that goes on in my head. Sometimes I think that the conversation is shallow, sometimes I think I cannot keep up, sometimes I think that you don’t need my opinion, and I’m sure there are some other reasons that I can’t remember.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this because I know that God loves an insignificant teeny wee and little being like me, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel that the world would be better off without me. I have thought about this a dozen times and I did nothing good with the world. The world does not need another sinner, another being who does not exude the qualities of a good and perfect Christian. I am a mass of disappointment.

I really wish that I would just stop thinking of these things, but I could not tune it out. Well, maybe I could, but only by reading and watching movies/series and thinking about God.

If you have watched Perks of being a wallflower, Charlie and I have something in common. We overthink and we get depressed.

If the forces of the world conspired to make you read this, then you know how I felt. The next time we meet I’ll just act as if you haven’t read this and that I did not blogged this. We would go on as if nothing happened, it would be easier that way.

Love,

Annie

Reflection

It's almost the end of September and I haven't written a single blog for this month, until now. My attention lately has been divided into 4 groups. Facebook, Hexrpg, Graphics designing, and books. Internet has been addicting (as always), it has been addicting to escape the confines of reality.

Before the September ends, (no, i will not ask you to wake me up) I will be cosplaying Effie Trinket and hopefully, post the photos here. So, what has happened to me this September? Let me think... hmmm...

MUSE's album came out and I do not have a copy... JK Rowling's Casual Vacancy will be coming out soon and I doubt it if I'll have a copy... UAAP CDC was held at SM MOA Arena and my University didn't win. Hmmm, what else... I've finished Awkward season two episode 12 last night and was wondering why Jenna doesn't seem contented with Matty. Does she need Jake too?

As I've mentioned earlier,you might have  my presence has been felt in the FB Universe through numerous share posts and likes. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo with a verse on it.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 

(1 Corinthians 1:27)

A few days before I saw that photo, I made a status on my plurk page saying...

When everyone thinks you'd fail, it should encourage you. When they push you down, spring back up! Prove them wrong. 

If you think about, it's a bit coincidental, isn't it?  If you look at what i've said on my plurk page, it's about ME making my way and proving them wrong, while the verse says, trust GOD to make something out of you.

This, obviously, made me reflect.

Here is God again, reminding me to trust Him, to allow Him to take control of my life. I have been consumed by this world that I'm slowly losing sight of Him. God, who is ever faithful, who is silently watching over me, cringing at my mistakes, and frowning at the temptations I have not resisted. He knows that it is a tiresome journey, that sacrifices have to be made in order to glorify Him.

I may not have been the best example of how a Christian should live, I have been mediocre and selfish, but if I have to re-do it, I won't. All the up and downs have been a blessing, every twist and turns have been a way of God revealing Himself to me. Through friends and family, through quotes, through books, even through texts.

I may not be a perfect Christian, but I would like to be one. With God's help... I hope I can be...

Never believe in happy endings

 

Pessimistic, am I? Nah. It’s just the truth.

Let me justify the title of this post. First, endings are never happy. Why would you end it if you’re happy? Only fairy tales have happy ends, not in real life. So please spare me with all the mushy nonsense that love makes happy endings real. No, it doesn’t. Any practical man would see reason to this argument.

Let’s be realistic here. Okay, so you fall in love, get married, then what? Have babies, be torn with your career and family life. Get sick or grow old, then you die. We live to die. Only morbid people would love to die. Unless you are really religious and you would die for your religion, but that’s a different light to tackle.

We live to die. It’s as simple as that. No happy ends, just a rotting corpse, who was melancholically buried. It’s a sad affair. So now, tell me, is that a happy end? Yeah, thought so.

Aside from this bitter skeptic rant, I am pleased to inform you that I am not giving up on love. I’m only bracing my self, putting myself in a “no-expectation” zone, which is really hard, by the way, knowing that girls are all-assuming and suspicious beings. But typing it here makes it more difficult because I know that I’ll be expecting no matter what happens. Unless I’m a bed-ridden, comatose patient. (no offense)

As I have said before, I am in a continuous battle with my mind. The desires of my heart are gagged by mind which is really frustrating hence these senseless rants. The dictatorship in the society is suffocating, the stereotyping and the judicial glares of the world is crippling especially to a fee mind.

Okay, now, I didn’t understand what I just said.

Fuck this stupid mind. Fogged, clouded and messed  up.

chafing

I am tired, beloved, of chafing my heart
 against the want of you; of squeezing it
into little ink drops, and posting it.
And I scald alone, here,
under the fire of the great moon.
 - Amy Lowell.

Recently, my online friends wrote heart-breaking poems and quotes. They are the inspiration to the revival of this blog. I am trying to conjure the nearest words that describe what I feel but every time I do that, I only stare at the blank sheet in front of me.Nonetheless, I tried and here is what I wrote...


I scald alone
I torture myself,
I wish for you,
It never came true.

That's it. haha.

Kidding! That's the first stanza, I will continue this when I am in the mood. Rihanna is playing on the background so I feel like dancing and not wallowing. *laughs*

Weird me. *face palm*