What do I have to learn?

 

What do I have to learn, O God, before I understand this pain that you have bestowed upon me? I have felt it a couple of times already and I feel like I haven’t fully understand what you want me to learn. Is this the time where you break me? Is this it, Father?

Oh Father God, when will I learn it? I am tired of feeling the same way. I’m tired of being so distracted and confused when I feel like I’m leaning towards you again. I miss you so much, Father God and I wish that I could be with you now, but I know that work must be done. Please, Father, let the Holy Spirit work in me, Father, that I would always remember your Words, your advices.

I would gladly pray for this burden to be lifted but Father if this is part of your awesome plan in my life… I would only pray for strength to endure it and to learn from it. I ask for nothing more than your Guidance, Father. You alone knows me and my heart. I pray that You would be my strength. It might not be clear today but I know You hold my life therefore I am at peace. I’m just confused Father. My emotions are reigning in me and it is difficult.

Thank you Father God for the books that you gave me to help me ease some of my confused thoughts and for giving me friends who I know were inspired by you to counsel me when I needed it. I am eternally grateful to You. I love you.

I miss you and it hurts.

 

Dear friend,

Have you watched “Perks of being a wallflower”? I have, and I cried. I know how Charlie felt but unlike him, I have friends.

I know that you do not read any of my blogs so I’m writing what I feel here. I know that this is a cowardly move, but I cannot tell you myself, because I cannot express it verbally.

I want to tell you that I miss you so so so much that it hurts. It might be the hormones talking but I’ve felt it before I PMS’ed, so I think this is a valid rant. I know that it Is not your fault that we don’t go out that much, that we don’t hangout that much, that you have a boyfriend, that we only talk about maybe 20 minutes a week or maybe less… I don’t blame you. Life has caught up with us and I can understand that. I just miss you.

Friend, I feel left out and I am depressed. I may not look like it but I feel like shit. I feel like a hypocrite. I always feel cheerful when my friends are around, but when I ‘m home and alone with my thoughts, I’m sad. You told me that you noticed that I get silent when we are with some of our friends, and I can’t tell you why. Well, I tried telling you but I couldn’t explain it properly. I get quiet because of the things that goes on in my head. Sometimes I think that the conversation is shallow, sometimes I think I cannot keep up, sometimes I think that you don’t need my opinion, and I’m sure there are some other reasons that I can’t remember.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this because I know that God loves an insignificant teeny wee and little being like me, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel that the world would be better off without me. I have thought about this a dozen times and I did nothing good with the world. The world does not need another sinner, another being who does not exude the qualities of a good and perfect Christian. I am a mass of disappointment.

I really wish that I would just stop thinking of these things, but I could not tune it out. Well, maybe I could, but only by reading and watching movies/series and thinking about God.

If you have watched Perks of being a wallflower, Charlie and I have something in common. We overthink and we get depressed.

If the forces of the world conspired to make you read this, then you know how I felt. The next time we meet I’ll just act as if you haven’t read this and that I did not blogged this. We would go on as if nothing happened, it would be easier that way.

Love,

Annie

The problem lies with me, I don’t confront people directly when they’ve hurt me. I might have done it only to a few trusted ones, if you’re one of them, then I trust you.

Many have hurt me without them knowing it. I am one of those who are in-denial and too trusting people who would always come up with an optimistic side of somebody even if the whole world is telling me to not trust that person. I am one who thinks much and ends up curling in a corner somewhere because of depression. I am the silent jealous type who nurses wounds in the form of blog rants, art, or music.

Sometimes I resent my “optimistic” nature, I am tired of being depressed and optimistic simultaneously. I am not stable. I am not coherent at this moment and I am depressed.

Nakakainis lang ung mga times na alam mo na ung sagot pero sa mga tanong mo pero nagtatanong ka parin. Nakakainis ung mga oras na wala ka naman dapat na ikainsecure o ikaselos pero nagseselos ka. Nakakainis ung mga oras na desedidio ka na mahalin ung tao biglang may hahadlang na kung ano. Nakakapagod na. Parati nalang, kapag set na ako na mahalin ang isang tao, na magopen up… nasasaktan ako. Ayoko na magmahal. Ayoko na ang sakit sakit na eh. Ang hirap umiwas sa taong hindi niya alam kung bakit siya iniiwasan, o kaya ang magalit sa isang tao na hindi naman niya alam na galit ka saknaya, o di kaya ang magpanggap na masaya ka para sa taong ito pero sa totoo eh hirap na hirap na kalooban mo.

Hindi pa ako ready magmahal dahil hindi pa ako ready masaktan, pero hindi mo naman mapipigilang magmahal.

Feeling ko nagpagiiwanan na ako… one day… ako naman ang mangiiwan. kitakits nalang sa heaven? haha

Release

Anyone who knew me knew that I had a lot of crushes but only a few knew of the “big” ones.” I have two kinds of crushes: the small ones, where I liked them because they were adorable or hot (these are the guys that my best friend and I called “play crush”), and the big ones, where I liked them because of many things… Let’s just say that the big ones were what you call infatuation.

I have a ritual with my big ones whenever I get crushed, and I am expecting to be crushed, because let’s face it, that’s why they are called “Crush” because they will crush you. Anyway, back to the ritual. I cried after being crushed. Don’t we all?

So what happens after this ritual? Usually, I move on. Maybe that’s why I cried, because I have realized that it was time to let go of my infatuation. That it was time to move on because he was not the one for me. It was time that I gave up any hopes. Mostly, I cried because I felt silly of getting my hopes up.

I wonder if I’m not likeable, or am I hanging with a wrong crowd and no one understands me? But I bet most of us feel that way. Misunderstood.

Whatever happens, I’ll trust God. He knows me more than I do.

mercies in disguise

Blessings. The first time I listened to this song, I cried. Listen and look at the lyrics and you will know why I cried.

May you all be blessed by this song...