Challenges

Challenges can either make you or break you. I choose the former.

It's not surprising that this would be my first post for 2019. A lot has happened. Challenges happened. With God's grace, I was able to survive them.

As we have approached the 2nd half of the year, I cannot help but reflect on my challenges for the first half of 2019. Problems popped up in almost all the aspects of my life except love life... well, I think that one is really problematic, so I take back what I said, I had problems in EVERY aspect of my life. But I will not dwell on them too much for I know what will happen if I think about them too much.

But what I have learned through the hardships is "moving." In whatever state you are in, in whatever problem you are facing, you should always look up and look forward. Even if you feel like you are stuck, you have to still move, day by day, until the time comes when God would take you out of your slump. Successful people did not become successful by doing nothing. They moved, they initiated ideas even though many were against them, and they faced their giants. Even in front of their fears, the most important thing they did was to move. There were times that they stepped back but they took every learning experience from it.

I guess I am encouraging you, dear reader (or maybe me when I back read in the future), that whatever happens, hold on to hope and do not forget your goal. If you have achieved a goal, make another one or help others achieve theirs, and do not cease to hope for tomorrow. There will always be tomorrow until the day comes when we have to face our Maker.

Challenges made me who I am and made me learn more about myself and how to handle myself in adversity. I have yet to fully manage myself, but I am confident that I will continue to be positive and be joyous in hardships, for I know Who holds my tomorrows. 

 

It’s 12:18am and I’m feeling blue.

I’m scared of love and heartbreaks. They say that love and pain come hand in hand, just as joy and sadness. Why is it that when you open yourself to someone you make yourself vulnerable?

It’s 12:23am and I’m still feeling blue.

One of the reason is you.

I can’t get you out of my head. I see you in the little things and it scares me. I’m afraid that if you hurt me I’ll close my doors again and I will make myself feel numb. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired.

I’m tired of building walls. I’m tired of people leaving… my heart is sore from these heartaches and I’m tired of forgetting God’s promises. I’m tired of failing Him. I want the best for Him but this is all I’ve got… a battered and bruised heart.

My fervent prayer is that I see Him every second of the day, that I may not sway from His Word, and that I may enjoy Him daily, so that my heart will have no choice but shine for Him.

Not for me

 

He’s perfect but he’s not for me.

I have found a man who almost completed my checklist. He fell short at the age arena. And it sucks because people has been telling me that we “click” but the age thing was just the hindrance and maybe we could just wait it out and see what happens. I say, it’s not the age that prevents an “us” from happening. It’s him.

Unless he moves nothing would happen. Or unless God moves His hand, nothing will happen.

But see, there’s a problem. I’ve fallen for him. I have felt what the other people felt about us. There was a connection, but I doubt it would deepen. It’s just sad because I know it is one-sided.

I guess this will be another addition to the list of my heart breaks. Still I thank God for giving them because I get to learn something.

I remember praying for someone who I can work with in my ministries. Someone who has the same passion for music, books, and God. Someone who could make me focus more in being Christ-like. Someone who has the patience to understand my roots and my quirkiness. I prayed for someone to be my partner in life so that we can testify God’s love through our relationship. I wanted my relationship to be a part of my worship as well.

You know what, instead of praying for this someone to fall for me, I should be praying for my heart. It is distracted yet again. May the Lord help me focus on His words and His love alone. May I thirst for Him earnestly everyday.

 

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By the way, I have been blogging on my Tumblr account since December 2015. I made a Tumblr account because I couldn’t spot a blogger app on my android phone. Since it’s easier posting photos on Tumblr and since it was the only “blogging” app that looked reliable for my phone, I decided to use it.  Visit www.amayoca.tumblr.com to see more of my posts.

Ways to Go

 

Most of my blog posts were inspired by songs (I may not have mentioned it but most of them were) and this one was inspired by the “feel good” groove of Grouplove’s Ways To Go. I was nodding to the beat when it dawned on me that I haven’t blogged since July, so here I am writing on my eventful August.

(Open Season by High Highs on my background)

My August started with our company retreat. I was on a spiritual high because I was reminded yet again of God’s promises and what it He wanted us to do. I wanted to project God’s love through my ministries so I volunteered. I stood up and ran towards Effie Trinket who was on the stage holding a piece of paper and shouted, “I VOLUNTEEEERRR!”

I’m kidding. Of course, Effie Trinket wasn’t in our retreat.

I only texted someone and told him that I wanted to help in a particular ministry. He said, yes. Lo and behold, my August was swamped with meetings and practices. But I am grateful because I get to serve Someone I love.

Speaking of love, let’s get into that arena. Last month, my heart and mind was still at war. I was still raw and butt hurt and I was unforgiving, but God was nudging me to talk it out with Him, and I did. I spat all my hurts and my anxieties concerning my love life and you know what, He listened and He calmed me. It was one of the sweetest experience I had with Him. From an angry and miserable woman, I became more accepting and forgiving. I have accepted that I was being impulsive and impatient, and it was one of the things that I have to learn in this phase.

I have decided (again) to wait it out. I would not make a move. I would let God do all the moving. Some of my friends would say that it would be a stupid move, that nothing would happen if I don’t move. But I have decided that I would wait. I want to do nothing except for the things that God wanted me to do, and so far, His instructions were to wait on Him. So I’m focusing on my ministries and in my relationship with Him.

One of the highlights of my August were my family’s and my best friend’s birthday. I cooked for my mom on her birthday. It was a simple dish. White sauce and pasta. I remembered that she used to cook the same thing when I was younger so I cooked one for her. I bought my cousin ice cream naman on her birthday. I didn’t cook for my best friend’s birthday because she treated us dinner. We had a grand time eating Filipino cuisine at BGC (I forgot the resto’s name) and we had ice cream afterwards. 

So there, I have updated you, my blog, with the highlights of my August.

 

Ah yes, one more thing, I am 7 books behind my reading challenge schedule and I’m feeling bad because I haven’t finished a book for July. What is happening with my reading life?! rawr! Anyhoo, I’m currently reading Stardust by Neil Gaiman and I am hoping that I would finish reading it this month.

 

Ciao.

Mercies in Disguise

 

The first time I heard the song “Blessings” by Laura Story, I was brought to tears. I knew then that this would be the song that I would like to be played in my funeral. After all, Funerals are not for the living. I want the people I love and the people who loved me to be comforted by this song and through God’s message.

If you have not heard of this song, listen to it and be blessed.

http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

Here’s the lyrics:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurastory/blessings.html

 

The phrase that I really like in the song is… “Mercies in Disguise.” Last Sunday, a pastor reminded us what’s the difference between mercy and grace. Grace is a gift. It is something we do not deserve, something that is given freely. Mercy is when you do something wrong and you deserve punishment but you do not get it or you are pardoned. Grace is when we did not do anything but we still receive something.

What I liked about that phrase is that it reminded me how God loves us… that most of the time, we sin greatly, intentional or unintentionally, we sin. We think that a trial or discipline is God punishing us but what we do not know is that we deserve severe and gruesome punishments for what we’ve done. We cry out to Him thinking that the trials that we experience are His punishments, we think that it is so much that we cannot bear it but little do we know, we deserve more. We had it easy.

I had it easy. And in the face of trial, I crumbled. I said things I was not supposed to say, things I said out of spite and bitterness. I lost my focus in the face of adversity and I am ashamed for not trusting in the Lord. I have forgotten how He loves. I have forgotten that His mercies are new every morning. I became a Pharisee. I became righteous and God broke me. I was stubborn and I was so quick to judge people that I have forgotten to look into my heart. I do not deserve any of this, I deserve to die but God… His unfailing love… chose to save me.

God gave me hope.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

God has ways of comforting us and He gives it in perfect timing. There will be countless of trials and there is not s doubt that we will fail Him again. It’s in our nature. We might beat our chest and be ashamed to face Him. Know this, dear reader…

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

- Lamentations 3:22-27

 

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him… I prayed for a small group… He answered me with time. I pray that the Lord would help me utilize the time He has given me with wisdom. I thank the Lord for my mother, for understanding my heart that even though my decision would affect our expenses and my dream… she still encouraged me, she said to not lose hope and to always pray to our God in Jesus' Christ’s name. She said that trials may come but the Lord would never leave us, just keep on holding and not to let go of His grip.

I have friends and family that God uses to comfort me, what more can I ask for? Most of all, I have a God who is greater than anything in this world, a God whose love is indescribable, a God whose power is unfathomable, a God who never tires of loving me…

What more can I ask for?

Little things

I am a romantic, a sucker for happy endings and grand gestures. But even though I am sentimental, I adore details. I believe in the saying "it's the thought that counts." At the end of the day, the little things would count. At the end of the day, the reason behind the gesture would count. Never do anything without meaning or it would be a waste of your time. Life has a reason. Find it.

Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 24:14

I have never been more sure of what God wants me to focus on this year. I have been side tracked by potential romantic ventures but through God's guidance and a bucket full of prayers, God has reminded me to seek His kingdom first.

It is so hard to wait for it (that special someone) especially when you see so much potential in a prospect and when you see that his heart is with the Lord. God has counseled me and has been constantly reminding me that this is one of His lessons about patience and humility, because I have asked Him before about this and now He is slowly teaching me, and I am forever grateful.

Yesterday, I have been so confused because my feelings and my thoughts are not well with each other. I was scared and really bothered because I was really close to following my emotions once again. Yes, once again, because I have been in this place before and I was impatient, I saw an opportunity and I grabbed it without waiting for God's go signal. The result? My heart  was crushed.

These few weeks my heart has been bothered my emotions that I couldn't fully understand but through God's wisdom, through bible verses and books, God has reminded me to trust in Him and... to wait for Him, wait for His plan to unveil before my eyes and the only thing required for me to do is to continue searching for Him. My prospect might be a distraction today but who knows, God might be reserving him to be a blessing in my life. Whatever happens today, I plan to seek God first. I pray that He will guide me as I do so.

He has said it before...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 

I have never been more excited in knowing more about Christ and in following His footsteps, not because I long for that special someone, but because of His goodness, His love, I want to know more about those things, because I feel like I've only seen parts of it. It is intoxicating and I want to learn more about Him. My heart wants to see more of Him and the way He is working in people. I have been blessed by His grace and I want to pay it forward. I want to let the people know that this is the God worth following. This is the God worth loving. This is the God who will never leave you. This is the God who will allow you to be hurt because He loves you. This is the God who has suffered before you have suffered. This is the Almighty God who has designed you and has known you before you were born. This God gave His ONLY Son so that you can live today... so that you can live with Him forever in all the glorious makings of heaven.

"For God so love the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

It is hard, the work is hard, but I am sure that it would be worthwhile. He has given me glimpses of what could happen through testimonies and in my life, and I ask myself, why wouldn't I trust this awesome, infinitely gracious and astounding, magnificent God? 

Longing

Longing 

This cruel longing have started again
When it has barely healed from the pain
Many times I’ve asked, “What will I gain?”
This cruel longing is driving me insane
 I’ve lost focus on the true prize
To be a faithful follower in His eyes
This painful longing, please take it away
So that I can enjoy Your presence everyday

This year, I have I told myself (and some of my friends) that I will focus on my career and my ministries with God, next year na ang love life. I told myself that I would not be "kilig" for my crushes nor am I going to have a new one. And now, I don't know, I am being tempted to lose focus again. But I will pray for it, and I hope you will pray for me too, whoever you are or wherever you are. Thanks!

I don’t care, but I do.

 

I don’t care if I have a crappy blog. I have written what I have felt. This was and is purely for my entertainment and for my sanity and you, those of you who are reading this are the privileged ones. (Or not.) You could see what transpires in this mind and the quirkiness of my personality. If it’s too much for you, then go click the close button.

Where did this rant came from?

I was, as usual, attacking my self-esteem again. I was searching for inspirations in the internet but it turned out quite the opposite. I have realized that I am writing a crappy blog. Most of you would tell me that I should be encouraged to strive and make it as a blog that I like it to be, but I usually have these moments when I wallow and stab my self-esteem. I usually have these moments when I get envious of their ability and instead of striving to achieve that level of ability, I go to my corner and curl up. I know that it’s a bad thing and that I should stop wallowing but this is who I am.

I am frustrated with the fact that I could do better but I am not doing it, or even striving to be one. I am annoyed with myself for being so lazy and for wasting the minutes of my life. I am so angry with myself because I am not using the best of my abilities. I am so ashamed of myself because I am besmirching the name of God. I should be Christ’s ambassador to all the non- believers but I am not letting Him use me. I am relying again on my own strength when I should be relying on Him alone.

I should be humbled by His grace.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. May my thoughts be shrouded by His light and may my heart be right before His eyes. Thank you. I guess I’ll be praying for you too.

Misunderstood

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”
—Stephen King

Once upon a time, I felt that way. A time when I couldn't express what I wanted to say and how I felt, because the words wouldn't come out right. A time when I wanted to rip my heart out to save my friends the time deciphering it. A time when I just cried because the time has arrived to tell them  but I wasted it because I feared that I would be misunderstood.

Either way, I was misunderstood.
I am always misunderstood... because I am weird.

I will live to praise Your Name, always.

 

If you know me, you must know that I love music. I adore music. And if I have a golden voice, I would sing everyday and always. Even though I don’t have an angelic or soul lifting voice, I still want to use what God has given me. I am blessed to be singing in our church’s choir and to be learning new songs about God. It is such a pleasure to be reading words and notes and see/hear them come alive when the choir blends these melodic sounds. And I promise that as long as I have my voice I will continue praising God with it, I will use it to tell His Story to everyone.

I pray that God will give me the right heart to serve Him. The heart that longs to worship him in every beat and every move it makes. A heart that thrives to glorify His name.

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We were practicing our Summer Camp songs earlier in our church and we came by an old favorite of mine back in high school when I used to lead the singspiration in our student fellowships. The song was entitled “Always.” It goes like this.

I Love To Sing Your Praises My Sweet Savior
And Remind My Heart Of What You've Done For Me
When I Think Of All The Ways That You’Ve Been Faithful
I Rejoice To Know That's How You'll Always Be

Always Forever And Ever
You Will Be My God
You Will Always Be The Shepherd Of My Soul
Always Forever And Ever
You Will Be My God
You Will Always Be The Same
And Forever You Will Reign
I Will Live To Praise Your Name Always

 

I’d like this to be the theme song for the first quarter of my 2013… reminders of what God has done for me… How I love to sing His praises… and His promise that He will Always be the same forever. And I pray that God will let me live to praise His name… always.

Checklist

Before my thoughts scatter in the realm of the unknown, I have to tell you something that happened in our Bible Study earlier. Let me fast forward to the prayer requests… Our leader was asking for our prayer requests and most of my fellow members were insisting on praying for my love life ( and I dare not delve on the others’ prayer requests)  “God’s Best” as they coined it, our inside joke. At first, I was adamant to not focus my prayer request to my love life, but they gave me the “ticking body clock” talk so I caved in and let them include my love life in my prayer request. So I guess, I have half-heartedly prayed for my love life?
Anyhoo, after the prayer I got scared, ‘cause what if God readily agrees to my prayer and gives me a “love life.” I mean, yes, of course, I’d be grateful but I’m just really scared. I’m not ready to have a relationship. Period. I think I’m not mature yet to handle a relationship and I haven’t been a good Christian lately. If I couldn’t focus on God, what more if I’m in a relationship.  But if God would give me a Christian boyfriend who would bring me closer to Him, then, bring it on!!! I’d welcome him with open arms!

While I was lurking in fb, filtering through my unread notifications and news feed, I saw a goofy photo of my friend, then some mad photo manipulation by a friend. The photo manip , for me, implied that the guy was a cool dude. It occurred to me that some guys like to be cool in front of the girls. Well,  I want my man to be goofy and to be not afraid of looking silly or not cool. I’m not asking for someone who doesn’t have self preservation but someone who enjoys the moment and someone who laughs at their mistakes. With this in my mind, I draw my checklist.

1. growing Christian (Protestant) (deal breaker)
2. Taller than me (please lang ang liit ko na, tapos mas maliit pa siya?!)
3. good mannered / gentleman
4. speaks the English language fluently
5. Potterhead (I dream of a HP inspired wedding. LOL)

Major turn on’s:

• Cool Nerd. (Brain is the new sexy)
• Potterhead
• fluent in English
• Book Worm
• Smells good
• Nice taste in music
• sculpted biceps
• expressive eyes
• Manly voice (Alan Rickman-ish)
• sense of humor

many more to come, I am sleepy. Will be updated further in one my next posts.

Hello March

 

Hi there, March. I would try and blog as much as I can. Why? Just because I want to practice myself in expressing my thoughts through organized words. Gah!

Anyway, updates on my work. None. I still have no job and I plan to have one before March ends. I am pretty sure that I should blame myself for having no job offers yet because I haven’t been REALLY trying. One reason would be, I want to be fully prepared when I do this “job hunt,” because if I’m not prepared I would lack the confidence. I want a fresh start and I want to do everything right. I want to do it in my own terms, but, of course, in God’s terms too. I know that it would too much to ask for a Christian environment at work but I’m praying that God would put me where I could work on His ministry and of course, do my artsy fartsy thingies too.

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I hate it when my playlist play what I feel. I have decided to shrug off my “love life” and any “pursuits for my love life happiness” because I really plan to stick with my “work first” motto this year. So far, my plan is not working, because I have no work. (no pun intended)

I should also be evaluating my Christian life. I was reminded of the “salt and light” verse in the Bible today, and I was thinking, have I been shining for God lately? I honestly think that I am not.

What am I going to do? Try?

No.

I am going to try harder. I really hope that God would give me the strength to flip off my pride so that He could start working in me again, because I am pretty sure that I haven’t been on the “fiery” phase of my Christian life.

Another reminder for today? God gave me a broken heart for me to focus on Him while he mends it. He was steering me in a different direction, telling me that He has another plan for me. Someone who He thinks fit. And there’s nothing for me to do but to trust Him.

Awkward, bun head, scared and free

 

Every time I watch an episode of MTV’s Awkward, I am motivated to blog. One reason is that I love Jenna’s play of words, so I commend whoever is the writer of the series. Another reason is that my mind goes to different places after I watch it, a lot of pondering happens. I had the same feeling with One Tree Hill but I was not big on blogging in those days, or was I?

Anyhoo, (change of topic) I want my hair to grow long so I can do a messy bun, and then I can shave my head again when summer starts. But I have a bigger dilemma than that.

This is my last day at work and I’m scared of what will happen next, mostly because of financial strains. I should say that I regret leaving my job without a new job offer, but I am not, I shouldn’t be, because I am going to use this time not only to find myself again but to shape myself up for another chapter of my life. I need to do this because I can’t lean on the people around me as often as I do. I need to be independent. I need to do this by myself or else I won’t learn. And while typing that, I’m beginning to see myself wanting to prove something. And maybe, that’s true, I want to prove something but most of all, I want a job that I love. A job that will be motivating me to wake up in the morning. A job that will give me a feeling of self-fulfillment.

I might be asking too much considering the job crisis in the country, but I cannot just stand by and watch life fly by, knowing that I have so much to offer. I have to step out of my comfort zone and start doing something. Something fulfilling. Something I love.

But then, only if God wills it. This is my cry and I pray that God will guide me.

Birthday Cake Pt. 2

My wish of having cakes on my birthday was fulfilled. I could not ask for more. I should be satisfied because I’ve said that as long as I have cakes on my birthday, it would be fine.

I’m not.

You see, I wished for a peaceful and simple and intimate birthday celebration with my family. I did get that at the eve of my birthday but on the day of my birthday, I can’t help but feel sad. I should blame my PMS but my birthday is just a realization that I haven’t grown well. That I have so much to learn and yet I want my life to end.

I’m so disappointed with my life and my family. We claim to be Christians but we don’t exemplify the qualities God wants us to  portray.

Before you continue reading, you must understand that I have no intention in besmirching the name of my family nor my relatives. I am merely stating the truth that is reveal in front of me. Should any of the words, phrases, or sentences were proven false, I’d gladly extract it from this blog. If proven true, it would remain.

Let me start with my mother and her siblings.

I was in high school when I saw the drift starting. The first time it dawned to me that the siblings were displaying the lust for money. It was normal for siblings to fight over money and have their ties destroyed by money. That happens in the world that we live in. everybody wants to be on top, everybody wants to be favored, everyone wants to be number one.

Then came college, the drift was farther than before. Backstabbing has been a way of life. One would toy with the each others’ emotions, One would say something bad about the other one just so he/she can be favored. I may have not seen a real war, but for me, this is one of the longest I’ve seen. Anyone would so anything to survive, even take sides. You are alone if you don’t have money. That’s how it is with my mother and her siblings (exclude the eldest). “Kapit sa patalim” Kung sino ang mayaman, doon lalapit, doon magpapabango, doon kakapit. Balimbing na kung balimbing.

What bothers me most is their relationship with each other. It has been governed by money. The way they see life is disconcerting. Their minds closed because of pride.

One thing I have been thankful for is my relationship with my cousins. Unlike my mother and her siblings, my cousins have open minds.

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I’m tired and it’s past my bed time.. my story is still unfinished, I have more to tell about my family, but it’s so depressing that I have to put it off for a while.

As usual, I’ll just sleep this off and distract myself. All I can do for now… is pray. Until I’m on my two feet again.

Reflection

It's almost the end of September and I haven't written a single blog for this month, until now. My attention lately has been divided into 4 groups. Facebook, Hexrpg, Graphics designing, and books. Internet has been addicting (as always), it has been addicting to escape the confines of reality.

Before the September ends, (no, i will not ask you to wake me up) I will be cosplaying Effie Trinket and hopefully, post the photos here. So, what has happened to me this September? Let me think... hmmm...

MUSE's album came out and I do not have a copy... JK Rowling's Casual Vacancy will be coming out soon and I doubt it if I'll have a copy... UAAP CDC was held at SM MOA Arena and my University didn't win. Hmmm, what else... I've finished Awkward season two episode 12 last night and was wondering why Jenna doesn't seem contented with Matty. Does she need Jake too?

As I've mentioned earlier,you might have  my presence has been felt in the FB Universe through numerous share posts and likes. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo with a verse on it.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 

(1 Corinthians 1:27)

A few days before I saw that photo, I made a status on my plurk page saying...

When everyone thinks you'd fail, it should encourage you. When they push you down, spring back up! Prove them wrong. 

If you think about, it's a bit coincidental, isn't it?  If you look at what i've said on my plurk page, it's about ME making my way and proving them wrong, while the verse says, trust GOD to make something out of you.

This, obviously, made me reflect.

Here is God again, reminding me to trust Him, to allow Him to take control of my life. I have been consumed by this world that I'm slowly losing sight of Him. God, who is ever faithful, who is silently watching over me, cringing at my mistakes, and frowning at the temptations I have not resisted. He knows that it is a tiresome journey, that sacrifices have to be made in order to glorify Him.

I may not have been the best example of how a Christian should live, I have been mediocre and selfish, but if I have to re-do it, I won't. All the up and downs have been a blessing, every twist and turns have been a way of God revealing Himself to me. Through friends and family, through quotes, through books, even through texts.

I may not be a perfect Christian, but I would like to be one. With God's help... I hope I can be...

true love?

 

True Love. What does it mean to find true love?

Have you seen the movie “Love Actually” ? well that’s the answer, true love doesn’t have to be seen in a boy-girl relationship but it can be seen in different people, from friends to family, and every thing in between. I know I should elaborate more but if you’ve seen the movie or watched the last episode of Once Upon A Time then you’d get what I mean.

True love isn’t only for couples but it comes from different shapes and sizes. From a Mother’s love to a friend’s devotion, it is undeniably the most honest and true form. True love is about being self less, giving up yourself for the person or that something you love.

I was watching “Once Upon A Time” , the last line uttered was… “Magic Is Power” and here I was thinking that “Knowledge” is power. hehe. Lame, I know.

 

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I just remembered a dream I had earlier… I was with a guy I was fond of, and he and I were with each other’s arms in my dream, something that would never happen in reality because I am what I am (invincible) and he is what he is (driven and popular), also, he’s out of the country. Anyway, we are still friends in real life.

Now that I remembered that I dreamt about him, my heart longs for him. The same way every time I dream about my crushes. Such longing that I could burst into flames. (well, that was an exaggeration)

 

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Okay, medyo kilig mode ngayon, I trust not one of my friends will read this so neither will my relatives. hehe. I was in the bank because I need to deposit some cash from our sales when I saw the manager. He’s not all good-looking swoony type of guy but he’s neat and somehow a “chinito” so he’ll do. hehe. wala lang. while I was at the cashier, he went up and looked at the deposit slip which was unusual since he has clients on his desk, or so I thought. ha-ha. wala lanng. the assumera in me strikes again.

same wavelength

I don’t know if It’s the hormones talking or I am delusional, but I feel like a lot of people are annoyed with me. I feel that nagging feeling that someone I talking behind my back. I feel so saaaaaad. I am becoming the person that I don’t want to be. I am becoming a hypocrite..

I need someone to talk with, but I can’t seem to trust anyone to understand me. Alam mo yun, maraming available for talking pero di mo naman mapagkakatiwalaan, ung mga pinagkakatiwalaan mo naman, di mo masabihan. I’m thinking if I’ve made the wrong choice of friends, or sadyang nagbabago na ako. Am I changing for the better or for worse?

This feeling… argh!! you just want to yank it out of your chest and throw it to the dogs. It makes me sick. My mind is so tired of thinking.. of assuming… Oo na, assumera kasi ako. Arrgggh! I just want to scream!

I am longing for that one person who will tell me, “I understand you, I went through the same thing.” Hindi ung out of politeness or walang masabi kaya sasabihin niya.

Hindi ko din alam kung bakit parang nagagalit na ako sa mundo. Ang dumi dumi kasi. nakakafrustrate. nakakawalang ganang mabuhay. Gusto mong gumawa ng mabuti para naman mapalapit ang mga tao sa Diyos pero grabe ang hirap, parang ang pangit ng pagbalik. Ewan, I should trust God diba, in times like this? I trust Him naman, I just want to rant. I want to tell Him that I’m feeling this off towards my friends, that I am wasting my time being a miserable wench but I’m still doing it. I am telling God that I want to die because I’d rather die than sin again.

But you know what will God put into my thoughts after I’ve said all those things? Trust and hope for His perfect plan. Don’t think of death because you have a mission for Christ. You have to uphold a good testimony because you are a Christ ambassador. It’s okay for me to feel this way, because that’s what I am. Human. Imperfect beings made perfect by God’s love.

So what happens after my tirade? I release of some of the boggling thoughts in my mind. Though I am sure that it will come back, I am sure too that God will provide a way for me to turn it around. I’m still hoping for someone who will share the same wavelength of thoughts with me, the same views and beliefs. By the time, he/she arrives, I will praise God, as always, and I will put it in my testimony as an answered prayer. 

Eto papala, I noticed that when I‘m boasting about something God takes it away. One time, I boasted that UST will win the Basketball championship again, turns out top 4 lang. I’m scared of God’s training, pero I’m grateful din because I’m experiencing His discipline in humbling. I have loads to learn but if God is my teacher then I’ll be willing learn.

Arggh. there goes that nagging feeling again. Can somebody call fredie kreuger and just rip my heart out?

" goodbye to love" to "you should date"

I don't mean to be so dreamy this early morning but you see it all started with the Korean drama series called City Hunter. My cousin was watching it so I have no choice but to watch it too. The main character was trained to be emotionless, to not be too attached, to not feel, to be numb and sturdy for their revenge. His adopted father told him, "Do not trust, do not fall in love." I was resolved to not fall in love, so I plurk'ed it. Then the ripple began, my friend responded with a song from The Carpenters, "I'll never fall in love again". I replied with another Carpenters song... "Goodbye to love" 




I was prepared to greet my lunch with a bitter countenance but I saw this article from my friend on twitter entitled: "You Should Date..." and it made me dreamy once again. This is inspiring, it makes you hope for the best, but the what if's are swirling like flies on my head, pessimism takes over... and I won't mention them here for the fear of spreading bad vibes. Even if I do not write it here, you'll be thinking the same things with me, won't you? 


What inspired me in the article was the differentiation between character and personality. Oftentimes, similarities bring people together, but you'd see their true character after you've seen your differences with each other. 

The person I want you to date has character. When you’re young, all you’re looking for is personality. Charm. Compatibility in music and book taste and food preferences. I think these are all well and good but character is what sustains a relationship when all of these things change. Personality is ever-evolving, character grows and amplifies in time. Character is when a person does beautiful things without seeking credit. It’s when someone doesn’t quit — even if every fiber of their being begs them to. It’s the ability of someone to graciously expend back-breaking heart-wrenching love to someone who has disappointed and failed them. Character is that beautiful thing that gets molded over time and experience. Be someone with character and never settle for someone without it.

I'd like to quote this too...

But the person I want you to date is a person who knows how to resolve conflict especially when it blows up in both your faces. Their ego will never be too big to own up to their mistakes.

And here's another article, I think a response to the previous article mentioned... link
These articles makes you go, "awww" and "yes! that is so true" that's why I love reading them. They are not love experts but they have nice opinions about it.




I've been berating myself to wait for it, to not think about it, but my environment is not helping! I've scolded my mind to think of other things or to focus on serving God instead but my mind is weak, so is my heart.the heart can't help but be infatuated and be confused. No, I am not in love. I'll know when I have fallen, that is when I can catch a grenade and take a bullet for that person. Love for me is not a petty thing that would make you go giddy and make your heart all fluffy with butterflies on your stomach feeling. It is something that would be engraved on you, something that will reside in you till you die. 


All  I can do is let nature take its course, make and sometimes let things happen. Life is still full of surprises, we just have to be pliable to its flow, our heads pointed to the sun. 

it's because of WHO you know

As i have implied in my past entries, i am a book lover. i read books for pleasure. i dive in book sales just to get a cheap but timeless book. i am currently collecting the anne of green gables series through Book Sale. but my blog for today will not be about jsut a bookk but of its contents and its message...

I saw a Christian novel last week and bought it because of its cheap price and a bit interesting preview. I have finished Gramercy Park and thought of reading this Christian book. i must stress that my Christian life is rocky at the moment and reading this book, i know, will encourage me again to walk with God. Back to the real story, i'm reading this and came to this part wherein a character says this...

"Christ is the only way." Mo's words brooked no debate. "He's the way , the truth and the life. No man can come to the Father except through Him. It's like, if you wanted to get into a really great concert, you'd have to have a ticket or something, right? But if you don't have a ticket, you have to know the right person to get in. If you know somebody who's,say, in the band, you can go right in, get treated like royalty, enjoy the benefits of being a friend. But you don't get in because of who you are. You get in because of who you know. It's that way with Jesus. We can't get into heaven through Buddha or Hare Krishna or Islam... only through Jesus. If we know Him, we'll get in."

That excerpt was from Terri Blackstock's The Gifted Sophomores.

Anyone who is reading this, may it touch you as it touched me. may it sink in to your heart and embrace the fact that there's no other way but Christ.

To God be the Glory.