Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Future someone
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Thankful
There are times when life beats you up but God lets you see the good in that beating. I have been experiencing panic attacks this week and it scared me because I feel like I’m going mad. But what I’ve learned this week was something God has been telling me ages ago. That I am not alone.
I have built walls because of numerous heartaches and disappointments but knowing God through these years made me slowly lower down the bridge and let people in.
It has not been easy. Letting people in is risky. It involves opening your heart knowing that people might break them. But God made me realize that in order to appreciate joy, we should appreciate the sadness. In order to fully know love and give out love, you must let love in.
I have been letting people in and as a result I am seeing love all the more. It’s a sweet experience but at the same time scary because I know that nothing is permanent in this earth. But for the few who have entered my fort, I know that our friendship will not last here… but will continue when we see each other in heaven. :)
A dark cloud has been hovering over my head for this past week and I used to rely on God to solve this. I have expected that He’ll just make the pain vanish or I’ll just cry my heart out to Him and everything will be fine. But He reminded me that I have a church. I have friends who would comfort me even though they’ve seen something that is ugly and disturbing. I must admit that I’m still uncomfortable telling people this because they might that I am just over reacting or just being a drama queen. God has reminded me that I am in a church, I have sisters and brothers in Christ who cares for me as much as I care for them. I am not alone. God reminded how the church works, that we spur one another and encourage one another. I am still relying on God for strength to overcome this. I am thankful that this is one of the ways He reminds me that He is with me through friends. Thank You, Lord.
I am also thankful for today because I got to worship with my best friend. It has been ages since we had breakfast and went to church together and I am just so thankful to God for giving us this opportunity again. May bonus pa! We had lunch together pa! I usually have my lunch with choir because we have choir practice after but I wanted to spend the morning with her so yay for today!
Friday, September 4, 2015
I write for myself
It’s 12:58am and a couple of minutes ago I was wallowing. But as soon as I’ve posted what I’ve written earlier, I browsed this blog. I read last year’s post about “waiting” and about “letting go” and letting God, and it dawned on me that I am blogging not just for the sake of dumping my excess emotions here but to encourage myself and remind myself of what I’ve learned before.
I have gone through various phases and stages. I have seen myself crumble and grow but mostly, I have seen God’s faithfulness and love.
This is for my future self. Read this and be reminded that you write for yourself. You need not impress anybody. You only think of God, what pleases Him and what He has done for you.
It’s 12:18am and I’m feeling blue.
I’m scared of love and heartbreaks. They say that love and pain come hand in hand, just as joy and sadness. Why is it that when you open yourself to someone you make yourself vulnerable?
It’s 12:23am and I’m still feeling blue.
One of the reason is you.
I can’t get you out of my head. I see you in the little things and it scares me. I’m afraid that if you hurt me I’ll close my doors again and I will make myself feel numb. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired.
I’m tired of building walls. I’m tired of people leaving… my heart is sore from these heartaches and I’m tired of forgetting God’s promises. I’m tired of failing Him. I want the best for Him but this is all I’ve got… a battered and bruised heart.
My fervent prayer is that I see Him every second of the day, that I may not sway from His Word, and that I may enjoy Him daily, so that my heart will have no choice but shine for Him.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Not for me
He’s perfect but he’s not for me.
I have found a man who almost completed my checklist. He fell short at the age arena. And it sucks because people has been telling me that we “click” but the age thing was just the hindrance and maybe we could just wait it out and see what happens. I say, it’s not the age that prevents an “us” from happening. It’s him.
Unless he moves nothing would happen. Or unless God moves His hand, nothing will happen.
But see, there’s a problem. I’ve fallen for him. I have felt what the other people felt about us. There was a connection, but I doubt it would deepen. It’s just sad because I know it is one-sided.
I guess this will be another addition to the list of my heart breaks. Still I thank God for giving them because I get to learn something.
I remember praying for someone who I can work with in my ministries. Someone who has the same passion for music, books, and God. Someone who could make me focus more in being Christ-like. Someone who has the patience to understand my roots and my quirkiness. I prayed for someone to be my partner in life so that we can testify God’s love through our relationship. I wanted my relationship to be a part of my worship as well.
You know what, instead of praying for this someone to fall for me, I should be praying for my heart. It is distracted yet again. May the Lord help me focus on His words and His love alone. May I thirst for Him earnestly everyday.
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By the way, I have been blogging on my Tumblr account since December 2015. I made a Tumblr account because I couldn’t spot a blogger app on my android phone. Since it’s easier posting photos on Tumblr and since it was the only “blogging” app that looked reliable for my phone, I decided to use it. Visit www.amayoca.tumblr.com to see more of my posts.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
One Thing Remains
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Stars
Friday, October 24, 2014
Posting from an iPad
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Ways to Go
Most of my blog posts were inspired by songs (I may not have mentioned it but most of them were) and this one was inspired by the “feel good” groove of Grouplove’s Ways To Go. I was nodding to the beat when it dawned on me that I haven’t blogged since July, so here I am writing on my eventful August.
(Open Season by High Highs on my background)
My August started with our company retreat. I was on a spiritual high because I was reminded yet again of God’s promises and what it He wanted us to do. I wanted to project God’s love through my ministries so I volunteered. I stood up and ran towards Effie Trinket who was on the stage holding a piece of paper and shouted, “I VOLUNTEEEERRR!”
I’m kidding. Of course, Effie Trinket wasn’t in our retreat.
I only texted someone and told him that I wanted to help in a particular ministry. He said, yes. Lo and behold, my August was swamped with meetings and practices. But I am grateful because I get to serve Someone I love.
Speaking of love, let’s get into that arena. Last month, my heart and mind was still at war. I was still raw and butt hurt and I was unforgiving, but God was nudging me to talk it out with Him, and I did. I spat all my hurts and my anxieties concerning my love life and you know what, He listened and He calmed me. It was one of the sweetest experience I had with Him. From an angry and miserable woman, I became more accepting and forgiving. I have accepted that I was being impulsive and impatient, and it was one of the things that I have to learn in this phase.
I have decided (again) to wait it out. I would not make a move. I would let God do all the moving. Some of my friends would say that it would be a stupid move, that nothing would happen if I don’t move. But I have decided that I would wait. I want to do nothing except for the things that God wanted me to do, and so far, His instructions were to wait on Him. So I’m focusing on my ministries and in my relationship with Him.
One of the highlights of my August were my family’s and my best friend’s birthday. I cooked for my mom on her birthday. It was a simple dish. White sauce and pasta. I remembered that she used to cook the same thing when I was younger so I cooked one for her. I bought my cousin ice cream naman on her birthday. I didn’t cook for my best friend’s birthday because she treated us dinner. We had a grand time eating Filipino cuisine at BGC (I forgot the resto’s name) and we had ice cream afterwards.
So there, I have updated you, my blog, with the highlights of my August.
Ah yes, one more thing, I am 7 books behind my reading challenge schedule and I’m feeling bad because I haven’t finished a book for July. What is happening with my reading life?! rawr! Anyhoo, I’m currently reading Stardust by Neil Gaiman and I am hoping that I would finish reading it this month.
Ciao.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Donate
on the event that I die, I want all possible organs to be donated to any hospital or to people who need them.
I also want to be cremated, that's why I wanted to donate any of the possible limbs or organs in my body to be put in good use. If my family were to face a difficult decision of keeping me alive, I want them to think of the greater good. I would love to be able to help people and to help them know more about Christ, even if it means that I would die.
I know that it would be a hard thing to decide upon. I do not know what the future holds for me. I might die in a second or after I'm done writing this blog, but one thing I am sure of, I know who holds my tomorrows. Whatever happens, I am glad to be part of His plan.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
There were those times too, when we were overwhelmed by our emotions that we could not distinguish what we feel. They were all mixed up that they made you numb, until you go into your corner and be at it for some time. Slowly, you would unravel each emotion and the reason behind it. In the process of unravelling, you would find yourself wallowing on each emotion. Then, you would come to a point where you would realize that wallowing was pointless, and then you move on.
There were those times too, when you were wishing you were blogging something more sensible and informative, but you just wanted to post a blog not for post counts but for the mere reason of posting your thoughts somewhere other than your laptop (which would fail you some day) or your brain (which eventually would cease to work... someday) or for the reason that you wanted someone to read your post and empathize with what you're writing and that you are not alone.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Date the girl who waits
Date the girl who waits. She knows good things are worth waiting for. Find her not on Tinder, Ok Cupid or Skout. She’s too busy living life to be filtering good lookers online or chatting up strangers behind a screen. Instead, find her smiling to herself as she browses through books in an indie book store. Find her laughing heartily in a group of friends at a cafe in town.
The girl who waits is one moment the sweet girl next door, and the next moment, the life of a party.
It’s easy to spot the girl who waits. Oblivious to her surroundings, she charms those around her with her confidence and her bubbly personality. You know you’ve found the girl who waits when you see a girl happy just being herself. When you see her, start a conversation and make her laugh. You can be certain it’s her if she infects you with joy without even trying.
The girl who waits doesn’t worry or envy when she sees her friends happily in love. Because deep down she knows it’s a matter of time before she gets her turn.
She’s confident enough to not to settle with just anyone, because the girl who waits is the girl who loves not when she’s lonely. The girl who waits, understands the difference between being alone and being lonely.
Ask her out on a date. Know she’ll refuse because chances are, she’s got plans of her own. But don’t stop trying, because when she finally opens up to you, you will realize that the wait was worth the while.
Date the girl who waits. She’ll never take you for granted. After months or even years of holding out for the right guy, appreciation and commitment come naturally. She won’t back out of the relationship after years of dating, citing reasons of uncertainty of whether you’re the one, because you know she has done everything she has needed to as a singleton and she has met sufficient guys to know you’re the one she wants to be with. She’ll be thankful for every moment with you because the activities she once had to do alone, she now has you as company.
Take her out on a date. You’ll experience appreciation and desire when she naturally reaches out for your hand. Date the girl who waits, because when she finally entrusts you with her heart, you know she’s true to you.
Fall in love with the girl who waits. She has gone through sufficient heartbreaks to know how to love. She understands the delicate balance of personal space and couple time. Having been a swinging bachelorette, you can be certain that she has a life of her own. She won’t be clingy and neither will she stop you from hanging with the boys. She’ll be the best friend who taunts you to make your soccer watching experience fun but she’ll also be the sweet girl who’ll cuddle you at home on a rainy day.
The girl who waits would have a life of her own. She’ll tell you about her backpack adventures. She’ll take you to her favorite hideouts. She’ll strum you a song on her guitar and watch her favorite movies snuggling up with you. She’ll take you to meet her friends. She’ll hold your hand and take you on new escapades.
Date the girl who waits, because she is the girl who knows what she’s looking for. If she chooses to be with you, you can be definite it wasn’t because of convenience or loneliness. Treasure the girl who waits, because she, who doesn’t settle despite it all, is the girl who will love you for you.
Love the girl who waits. She’s confident and happy by herself, but chooses to let you in despite knowing you could very well hurt her. If she forsakes her freedom for you, keep her. If she can love you without any baggage from her previous heartbreaks and failed relationships, don’t just love her back. Love her, and even more.
Maybe you’ve met her, maybe you haven’t. But when you finally do, don’t let her go.
source: http://jcatalogue.com/date-girl-waits/
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Something Good
It is in the wee hours of the morning that I usually get pumped up with ideas and whatnot, and maybe a little help from coffees or teas. I know it’s unhealthy but I guess, it is more beneficial emotionally than physically.
I have been storing up a bundle of feels lately. I have been wallowing in the pain that I have forgotten about the good things I would get from this experience. What experience, you might wonder? I would say, it was an experience common to us mortals, well, even gods of mythology, it was an experience with the matters of the heart. Eww, I sound melodramatic. *cringe*
I have read an article about not dating a writer. It was written that one of the reasons why you shouldn’t date a writer was because he/she would write about your break up or use the pain from your break up to write something. Couldn’t be more true.
It is easier to wallow in pain than to stand up to the pain because as Augustus Waters said in The Fault In Our Stars, “pain demands to be felt.” You need to feel pain to feel the process of learning. Even if you have mastered the art of “numbing” yourself to the pain, you WOULD eventually feel it. Why not overcome it before you get too cold from numbing yourself? I know, I know, easier said than done.
Pain has its own way of seeping into our system. It has its own levels and degrees. Some you could just shrug off after a day, some could leave you curled up in your bed for a week, or maybe months, some could leave you in misery for years, but no matter how long it stays, you have to let it go.
“Let go and let God.”
You have seen that quote countless of times and it might have inspired you for a moment or maybe it is your mantra today, but let me tell you my interpretation on that quote.
Letting go of something meant you allowed it to go… you had the option of not allowing it to go but you CHOSE to release it. You have relinquished your hold on it and allowed God to take hold of it. In a way, you could say that you’re letting God handle whatever it is that you were letting go, and that would mean that you are giving God the authority over something that gripped you for some time and you are giving Him the power to do anything He wants to it.
“Let God” is not just about handing or passing the pain to God, it is more of believing in His power and having faith in His ability to turn something distressing into something good. Many times we are blinded by the pain that we don’t see we are losing focus on the path that we should take. Our vision were obscured by what we feel that we lost sight of what was real and what we should be doing. I have said earlier that pain should be felt because joy would not be apparent without anguish, so as light without the darkness. But it is tempting to wallow in self-pity and drown in the pools of misery.
It may surprise you that nowhere in the Bible are we told to ‘resist temptation’. Instead, we are advised to refocus our attention because resisting a thought doesn’t work. It only intensifies our focus on the wrong thing and strengthens its allure. You don’t defeat temptation by fighting the feeling of it. The more you fight a feeling, the more it consumes and controls you. You strengthen it every time you think it. Since temptation always begins with a thought, the quickest way to neutralize its allure is to turn your attention to something else. Don’t fight the thought, just change the channel of your mind and get interested in another idea. Learn More -http://purposedriven.com/
I saw that status update from Purpose Driven Life’s Facebook and somehow I have likened it to dealing with pain. It’s true that the more you fight it, the more it becomes alluring, the more you want people to understand you, the more you want others to empathize your situation, but that results to vanity. You see only your self, your feelings and not how others are feeling. The more you fight it, the more it consumes you. So when it comes to pain, let it go and hand it to God, He knows what to do with it. That’s what it means to refocus too. Do not look at the pain but look at God. If you continue looking at Him, you will eventually find yourself thinking of other things besides your pain. Looking at God is like a drug, once you see His goodness and His awesomeness, it won’t be enough, you would ask for more but that’s where the similarity ends, unlike drugs, God is not bad for your health, it is otherwise.
When our visions are fogged by the pain, the quickest way to elude its tempting pull into misery is by refocusing our eyes on the Lord. When you feel the overwhelming fog of pain that surrounds you, look for the light, there will always be that light behind the fog. How else would you see the fog if there were only darkness? Don’t focus on the fog, focus on the lighted path. There will be fog in the path but you will never be lost if you search for the light.
What am I trying to say? In our walk with Christ, there will be pain, I assure you, there will be a lot of heart aches and heart breaks, but do not be discourage, for we have Light that guides us to the right path. No matter how thick the fog is there would be a light that would shine in the darkness. Hold on to that light. Continue walking towards it. Don’t fight the fog, instead, hold up the light. Let it shine on your path, one step at a time.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
Refocus your pain into something good, better yet, focus on God.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
One year
I am officially working for Imagine Nation Photography for a year! Yay! It’s my “workiversary” or something.
(Side comment: My internet connection was cruel to me. It showed four bars but I was not getting any connection from it. *sigh*)
I should be really glad that I have another milestone in my career and I’m glad, but I’m not ecstatic over it. You see, last week, we started to work at home or “home-based” as they call it and I‘m not really fond of it. Though it has its perks because you get to control your time and you’re not restricted to an office environment, I just liked the separation of location of my work and where I relax. I am used to the idea that I go somewhere else to work. So what would happen if we are home-based? We would be project based (less income) and we would be working at home (obviously.) Some of my office mates, who were graphic artists in the production team, have no qualms on the matter but seeing that I’m not overly productive at home, I saw it as a challenge. I have to manage my time wisely in order for me to be more productive and I have to look for extra income.
I am hoping to find peace and strength in Christ as these things happen. I do not know what the future has in store for me, but I find comfort in knowing who holds my future. I am hoping that my mind would stop worrying and my heart would stop crumbling. But you know what, I’m glad that this happened because in times like this I seek His face the most. I am stubborn and I tend to do things my own way but His ways are greater and His plans are bigger, it would only make sense to let Him handle what I could not, which I should have done in the first place. Then, the pieces would just fall into place instead of letting fall into a different puzzle.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Little things
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
If I looked into the Mirror of Erised…
… I would see my biological father.
Maybe I would see what Harry saw when he looked at the Mirror of Erised… his whole family. All of them and not a broken one.
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I promised that I would blog more often and I haven’t, so I would try fulfilling it again by starting small. One post a day even if my entry is short. Let’s see what happens.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A broken heart
A broken spirit and a contrite heart
You will not despise,
You will not despise
You desire truth in the inward parts
A broken spirit and a contrite heart
Lord, my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave, the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it
Seal it for,
Your courts above
This song has been sung for ages for it rang true of what God wanted us to offer Him. He does not delight in sacrifice nor take pleasure in burnt offerings. The best offering or sacrifice we can give Him is a broken spirit and a repenting heart.
He has told us about this before, in the times of Cain and Abel. God does not need you to bring glory to Him. He could do it by Himself. He could appoint other people to reveal Himself to others. He does not need your efforts. He does not need you either. Yet, He chose to reveal Himself to you in things you did not imagine, in vessels you did not expect. God wants your heart. A heart in line with His heart.
My prayer for this reflection…
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.Psalm 51: 10-12
Often times we have heard about God not changing the situation, because He changes the heart. I pray that God would move our hearts, like what He did with the Pharaoh in Moses’ time. I pray the God would move our hearts and change it to whatever He deem best. I pray that God would convict our hearts to be repentant, that we can come before Him with a pure heart and a willing spirit. I pray that He would continually reveal Himself to us, that our bond would be strengthen by these circumstances, and that I would not waver in trusting Him for He has not wavered in being faithful to me; He has never changed.
May His grace sustain us in the things we do for God. May the Holy Spirit continually convict us to focus our eyes on the true prize and guide us when we wander from His love.
May we find joy and peace in Christ.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
2014 goals
My Friday Bible Study group and I watched Frozen earlier because of a persistent group member who recommended it. He got us intrigued so we watched it, which we did not regret because it was fascinating. The ending was foreseeable because it IS Disney therefore we expected a happy ending but what I did not expect was how love was depicted. I am glad that Frozen has a timely moral lesson, something I haven’t seen since Lilo and Stitch. It has reminded us that there is no “love at first sight,” that sometimes we think we think withdrawing from people would avoid hurting them but it does otherwise, that love comes in places we least expect it, and that love conquers all.
Frozen was more than a love story. It was more than love at first sight, more than finding your true love. It was about fixing lost relationships, about being indifferent. It was about family. No matter what happens, no matter who comes by, nothing can ever take the fact that you are bonded with your family.
Frozen made me realize what my goals would be next year, since this year I have accomplished, through God’s grace, my goals for the year 2013, which was getting a career and focusing on ministries. God has been generous with both. I have prayed for a career where I would grow and love what I do, so far, I am loving what I’m doing and enjoying the people God has introduced me in my work place. God has also allowed me to grow in my ministries especially in music department.
Hence, here are my goals for 2014:
- Relationships. Renewing relationship with current friends and family, hoping for a more Christ-inspired one. Severing ties with people who are distressing me and my relationship with God.
- Ministries. I want to grow more in the music ministry whether in my home church or in the fellowship at work. God has given me two hands, an ability to hear notes and read them, and an electric keyboard, so I pray that he would use me.
- Financial stability. I want to save money for my future.
- Small group. I have been praying for a small group but only after I’m financially stable, but if God wills it on 2014, why not?!
Last year, I have 2 goals, and now, it has doubled. May I be continually reminded of God’s grace and may God be glorified in my goals.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Quiet time
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. - Matthew 6:6
For the duration of my Christian life, finding a quiet time has been a struggle. I would often plan a time but end up not using it. With God's grace, I am often reminded to communicate with Him even though it's just a spare time while riding the train home or while taking a bath, but in my heart, I know that was not enough. God is willing to spend every minute, every second of the day with Him and I'm here ignoring Him.
When I started working for INP, my quiet time started to happen again. I'm glad because I've been praying for a stable one. I've missed talking to my Lord and Father in Heaven and it is such a joy to be learning and talking to Him again, and this time we're talking deeper.
I've had my struggles this past weeks and I came close into becoming indifferent once again, but with God's grace, He has let me overcome it. I am not perfect but I have been striving to be more Christ-like in my daily walk. I just keep forgetting about God's grace, hence, my prayer is to be reminded daily of God's grace and mercy so that I would be encouraged to live all for His glory.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Look at the stars
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do, yeah, they were all yellow…”
In about 15-20 seconds I could walk from our gate to our house. In about 15-20 seconds I get to look up and see the stars.
I have a habit of looking at the sky when I walk home. I would often hope that I would see a cluster of stars shining down on me. Who could blame me? They’re fascinating. They live longer than humans and they glow. I don’t know. Every time I see them, I am oddly comforted. I feel relaxed. I just love looking at them. But I could only look at them from afar because we all know what would happen if you go near one. You would burn.
Nevertheless, I would never get tired of staring at the stars even just for a little while. They would enchant me forever.
