Challenges

Challenges can either make you or break you. I choose the former.

It's not surprising that this would be my first post for 2019. A lot has happened. Challenges happened. With God's grace, I was able to survive them.

As we have approached the 2nd half of the year, I cannot help but reflect on my challenges for the first half of 2019. Problems popped up in almost all the aspects of my life except love life... well, I think that one is really problematic, so I take back what I said, I had problems in EVERY aspect of my life. But I will not dwell on them too much for I know what will happen if I think about them too much.

But what I have learned through the hardships is "moving." In whatever state you are in, in whatever problem you are facing, you should always look up and look forward. Even if you feel like you are stuck, you have to still move, day by day, until the time comes when God would take you out of your slump. Successful people did not become successful by doing nothing. They moved, they initiated ideas even though many were against them, and they faced their giants. Even in front of their fears, the most important thing they did was to move. There were times that they stepped back but they took every learning experience from it.

I guess I am encouraging you, dear reader (or maybe me when I back read in the future), that whatever happens, hold on to hope and do not forget your goal. If you have achieved a goal, make another one or help others achieve theirs, and do not cease to hope for tomorrow. There will always be tomorrow until the day comes when we have to face our Maker.

Challenges made me who I am and made me learn more about myself and how to handle myself in adversity. I have yet to fully manage myself, but I am confident that I will continue to be positive and be joyous in hardships, for I know Who holds my tomorrows. 

Birthday post for 2017

Hello! Hello!

We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...

It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?

My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.

I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission. 

Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping. 

Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.

Birthday post

Some people wait for the end of the year to reflect on their life. I usually do it on my birthday and it usually makes me depressed. I should be happy I’ve lived this long, but I’m comparing myself to the pace of the world and that’s the reason why it makes me depressed. I set expectations on myself that are sometimes too high and when I don’t achieve them, I get disappointed with myself and it cripples me.

There is an unending war in my head and the only thing that keeps it intact is God’s grace.

Every year I do a birthday post to remind me what I’ve felt and the things that I am grateful for. One thing is for sure… I am immensely thankful for God’s grace and His sustenance. I would cease to exist without Him. I am overwhelmed again by the love from my friends. They are God’s gifts to me. I will forever be wallowing without them.

What else? Hmmm… I did not do anything significant on my birthday except hung out with my cousins. We watched movies, ate a lot, and talked. It was a chillax day but when the night came, it became stressful because I was faced with deadlines that I brought upon myself.

What’s on my head right now?

This quote I posted on fb…

 

“The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

I am blessed and I thank you Father in Heaven for all of the pain and joy You have allowed me to experience here on earth. Thank you for the wonderful and exquisite people I have in my life. Can't wait to be with You someday, but while I'm here, please help me to hope, persevere, and to spread Your light and love.

 

My head is having a hard time to focus, my heart is in turmoil, I keep praying to God but I feel like my ears of my heart won’t listen properly. May God grant me peace and joy in Christ His Son. May His plans prevail and may I be more accepting of His will in my life.

Thankful

There are times when life beats you up but God lets you see the good in that beating. I have been experiencing panic attacks this week and it scared me because I feel like I’m going mad. But what I’ve learned this week was something God has been telling me ages ago. That I am not alone.

I have built walls because of numerous heartaches and disappointments but knowing God through these years made me slowly lower down the bridge and let people in.

It has not been easy. Letting people in is risky. It involves opening your heart knowing that people might break them. But God made me realize that in order to appreciate joy, we should appreciate the sadness. In order to fully know love and give out love, you must let love in.

I have been letting people in and as a result I am seeing love all the more. It’s a sweet experience but at the same time scary because I know that nothing is permanent in this earth. But for the few who have entered my fort, I know that our friendship will not last here… but will continue when we see each other in heaven. :)

A dark cloud has been hovering over my head for this past week and I used to rely on God to solve this. I have expected that He’ll just make the pain vanish or I’ll just cry my heart out to Him and everything will be fine. But He reminded me that I have a church. I have friends who would comfort me even though they’ve seen something that is ugly and disturbing. I must admit that I’m still uncomfortable telling people this because they might that I am just over reacting or just being a drama queen. God has reminded me that I am in a church, I have sisters and brothers in Christ who cares for me as much as I care for them. I am not alone. God reminded how the church works, that we spur one another and encourage one another. I am still relying on God for strength to overcome this. I am thankful that this is one of the ways He reminds me that He is with me through friends. Thank You, Lord.

I am also thankful for today because I got to worship with my best friend. It has been ages since we had breakfast and went to church together and I am just so thankful to God for giving us this opportunity again. May bonus pa! We had lunch together pa! I usually have my lunch with choir because we have choir practice after but I wanted to spend the morning with her so yay for today!

Dear Father God,

It’s a joy that in a matter of minutes you have helped me in hoping again. When I didn’t feel like talking to You, You reminded me why I should be. I’m in awe on how You communicate with me and how You comfort me. I was starting to rely on my friends whenever I feel low, but You reminded me that I should come to You first. I am learning to rely on You alone and not on the people around me. You reminded me that Your Presence alone should be enough.

You rebuked me when it is needed but You never fail to remind that You are there in my every step… through good times or bad. You supply my every need and it is such a sweet sweet experience every time You talk to me. Thank you for these verses…

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you!

Not for me

 

He’s perfect but he’s not for me.

I have found a man who almost completed my checklist. He fell short at the age arena. And it sucks because people has been telling me that we “click” but the age thing was just the hindrance and maybe we could just wait it out and see what happens. I say, it’s not the age that prevents an “us” from happening. It’s him.

Unless he moves nothing would happen. Or unless God moves His hand, nothing will happen.

But see, there’s a problem. I’ve fallen for him. I have felt what the other people felt about us. There was a connection, but I doubt it would deepen. It’s just sad because I know it is one-sided.

I guess this will be another addition to the list of my heart breaks. Still I thank God for giving them because I get to learn something.

I remember praying for someone who I can work with in my ministries. Someone who has the same passion for music, books, and God. Someone who could make me focus more in being Christ-like. Someone who has the patience to understand my roots and my quirkiness. I prayed for someone to be my partner in life so that we can testify God’s love through our relationship. I wanted my relationship to be a part of my worship as well.

You know what, instead of praying for this someone to fall for me, I should be praying for my heart. It is distracted yet again. May the Lord help me focus on His words and His love alone. May I thirst for Him earnestly everyday.

 

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By the way, I have been blogging on my Tumblr account since December 2015. I made a Tumblr account because I couldn’t spot a blogger app on my android phone. Since it’s easier posting photos on Tumblr and since it was the only “blogging” app that looked reliable for my phone, I decided to use it.  Visit www.amayoca.tumblr.com to see more of my posts.

Ways to Go

 

Most of my blog posts were inspired by songs (I may not have mentioned it but most of them were) and this one was inspired by the “feel good” groove of Grouplove’s Ways To Go. I was nodding to the beat when it dawned on me that I haven’t blogged since July, so here I am writing on my eventful August.

(Open Season by High Highs on my background)

My August started with our company retreat. I was on a spiritual high because I was reminded yet again of God’s promises and what it He wanted us to do. I wanted to project God’s love through my ministries so I volunteered. I stood up and ran towards Effie Trinket who was on the stage holding a piece of paper and shouted, “I VOLUNTEEEERRR!”

I’m kidding. Of course, Effie Trinket wasn’t in our retreat.

I only texted someone and told him that I wanted to help in a particular ministry. He said, yes. Lo and behold, my August was swamped with meetings and practices. But I am grateful because I get to serve Someone I love.

Speaking of love, let’s get into that arena. Last month, my heart and mind was still at war. I was still raw and butt hurt and I was unforgiving, but God was nudging me to talk it out with Him, and I did. I spat all my hurts and my anxieties concerning my love life and you know what, He listened and He calmed me. It was one of the sweetest experience I had with Him. From an angry and miserable woman, I became more accepting and forgiving. I have accepted that I was being impulsive and impatient, and it was one of the things that I have to learn in this phase.

I have decided (again) to wait it out. I would not make a move. I would let God do all the moving. Some of my friends would say that it would be a stupid move, that nothing would happen if I don’t move. But I have decided that I would wait. I want to do nothing except for the things that God wanted me to do, and so far, His instructions were to wait on Him. So I’m focusing on my ministries and in my relationship with Him.

One of the highlights of my August were my family’s and my best friend’s birthday. I cooked for my mom on her birthday. It was a simple dish. White sauce and pasta. I remembered that she used to cook the same thing when I was younger so I cooked one for her. I bought my cousin ice cream naman on her birthday. I didn’t cook for my best friend’s birthday because she treated us dinner. We had a grand time eating Filipino cuisine at BGC (I forgot the resto’s name) and we had ice cream afterwards. 

So there, I have updated you, my blog, with the highlights of my August.

 

Ah yes, one more thing, I am 7 books behind my reading challenge schedule and I’m feeling bad because I haven’t finished a book for July. What is happening with my reading life?! rawr! Anyhoo, I’m currently reading Stardust by Neil Gaiman and I am hoping that I would finish reading it this month.

 

Ciao.

Something Good

 

It is in the wee hours of the morning that I usually get pumped up with ideas and whatnot, and maybe a little help from coffees or teas. I know it’s unhealthy but I guess, it is more beneficial emotionally than physically.

I have been storing up a bundle of feels lately. I have been wallowing in the pain that I have forgotten about the good things I would get from this experience. What experience, you might wonder? I would say, it was an experience common to us mortals, well, even gods of mythology, it was an experience with the matters of the heart. Eww, I sound melodramatic. *cringe*

I have read an article about not dating a writer. It was written that one of the reasons why you shouldn’t date a writer was because he/she would write about your break up or use the pain from your break up to write something. Couldn’t be more true.

It is easier to wallow in pain than to stand up to the pain because as Augustus Waters said in The Fault In Our Stars, “pain demands to be felt.” You need to feel pain to feel the process of learning. Even if you have mastered the art of “numbing” yourself to the pain, you WOULD eventually feel it. Why not overcome it before you get too cold from numbing yourself? I know, I know, easier said than done.

Pain has its own way of seeping into our system. It has its own levels and degrees. Some you could just shrug off after a day, some could leave you curled up in your bed for a week, or maybe months, some could leave you in misery for years, but no matter how long it stays, you have to let it go.

“Let go and let God.”

You have seen that quote countless of times and it might have inspired you for a moment or maybe it is your mantra today, but let me tell you my interpretation on that quote.

Letting go of something meant you allowed it to go… you had the option of not allowing it to go but you CHOSE to release it. You have relinquished your hold on it and allowed God to take hold of it. In a way, you could say that you’re letting God handle whatever it is that you were letting go, and that would mean that you are giving God the authority over something that gripped you for some time and you are giving Him the power to do anything He wants to it.

“Let God” is not just about handing or passing the pain to God, it is more of believing in His power and having faith in His ability to turn something distressing into something good. Many times we are blinded by the pain that we don’t see we are losing focus on the path that we should take. Our vision were obscured by what we feel that we lost sight of what was real and what we should be doing. I have said earlier that pain should be felt because joy would not be apparent without anguish, so as light without the darkness. But it is tempting to wallow in self-pity and drown in the pools of misery.

It may surprise you that nowhere in the Bible are we told to ‘resist temptation’. Instead, we are advised to refocus our attention because resisting a thought doesn’t work. It only intensifies our focus on the wrong thing and strengthens its allure. You don’t defeat temptation by fighting the feeling of it. The more you fight a feeling, the more it consumes and controls you. You strengthen it every time you think it. Since temptation always begins with a thought, the quickest way to neutralize its allure is to turn your attention to something else. Don’t fight the thought, just change the channel of your mind and get interested in another idea. Learn More -http://purposedriven.com/

I saw that  status update from Purpose Driven Life’s Facebook and somehow I have likened it to dealing with pain. It’s true that the more you fight it, the more it becomes alluring, the more you want people to understand you, the more you want others to empathize your situation, but that results to vanity. You see only your self, your feelings and not how others are feeling. The more you fight it, the more it consumes you. So when it comes to pain, let it go and hand it to God, He knows what to do with it. That’s what it means to refocus too. Do not look at the pain but look at God. If you continue looking at Him, you will eventually find yourself thinking of other things besides your pain. Looking at God is like a drug, once you see His goodness and His awesomeness, it won’t be enough, you would ask for more but that’s where the similarity ends, unlike drugs, God is not bad for your health, it is otherwise.

When our visions are fogged by the pain, the quickest way to elude its tempting pull into misery is by refocusing our eyes on the Lord. When you feel the overwhelming fog of pain that surrounds you, look for the light, there will always be that light behind the fog. How else would you see the fog if there were only darkness? Don’t focus on the fog, focus on the lighted path. There will be fog in the path but you will never be lost if you search for the light.

What am I trying to say? In our walk with Christ, there will be pain, I assure you, there will be a lot of heart aches and heart breaks, but do not be discourage, for we have Light that guides us to the right path. No matter how thick the fog is there would be a light that would shine in the darkness. Hold on to that light. Continue walking towards it. Don’t fight the fog, instead, hold up the light. Let it shine on your path, one step at a time.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Refocus your pain into something good, better yet, focus on God.

Mercies in Disguise

 

The first time I heard the song “Blessings” by Laura Story, I was brought to tears. I knew then that this would be the song that I would like to be played in my funeral. After all, Funerals are not for the living. I want the people I love and the people who loved me to be comforted by this song and through God’s message.

If you have not heard of this song, listen to it and be blessed.

http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

Here’s the lyrics:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/laurastory/blessings.html

 

The phrase that I really like in the song is… “Mercies in Disguise.” Last Sunday, a pastor reminded us what’s the difference between mercy and grace. Grace is a gift. It is something we do not deserve, something that is given freely. Mercy is when you do something wrong and you deserve punishment but you do not get it or you are pardoned. Grace is when we did not do anything but we still receive something.

What I liked about that phrase is that it reminded me how God loves us… that most of the time, we sin greatly, intentional or unintentionally, we sin. We think that a trial or discipline is God punishing us but what we do not know is that we deserve severe and gruesome punishments for what we’ve done. We cry out to Him thinking that the trials that we experience are His punishments, we think that it is so much that we cannot bear it but little do we know, we deserve more. We had it easy.

I had it easy. And in the face of trial, I crumbled. I said things I was not supposed to say, things I said out of spite and bitterness. I lost my focus in the face of adversity and I am ashamed for not trusting in the Lord. I have forgotten how He loves. I have forgotten that His mercies are new every morning. I became a Pharisee. I became righteous and God broke me. I was stubborn and I was so quick to judge people that I have forgotten to look into my heart. I do not deserve any of this, I deserve to die but God… His unfailing love… chose to save me.

God gave me hope.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

God has ways of comforting us and He gives it in perfect timing. There will be countless of trials and there is not s doubt that we will fail Him again. It’s in our nature. We might beat our chest and be ashamed to face Him. Know this, dear reader…

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke
while he is young.

- Lamentations 3:22-27

 

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him… I prayed for a small group… He answered me with time. I pray that the Lord would help me utilize the time He has given me with wisdom. I thank the Lord for my mother, for understanding my heart that even though my decision would affect our expenses and my dream… she still encouraged me, she said to not lose hope and to always pray to our God in Jesus' Christ’s name. She said that trials may come but the Lord would never leave us, just keep on holding and not to let go of His grip.

I have friends and family that God uses to comfort me, what more can I ask for? Most of all, I have a God who is greater than anything in this world, a God whose love is indescribable, a God whose power is unfathomable, a God who never tires of loving me…

What more can I ask for?

A broken heart

 

A broken spirit and a contrite heart
You will not despise,
You will not despise
You desire truth in the inward parts
A broken spirit and a contrite heart
Lord, my heart is prone to wander
Prone to leave, the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord take and seal it
Seal it for,
Your courts above

This song has been sung for ages for it rang true of what God wanted us to offer Him. He does not delight in sacrifice nor take pleasure in burnt offerings. The best offering or sacrifice we can give Him is a broken spirit and a repenting heart.

He has told us about this before, in the times of Cain and Abel. God does not need you to bring glory to Him. He could do it by Himself. He could appoint other people to reveal Himself to others. He does not need your efforts. He does not need you either. Yet, He chose to reveal Himself to you in things you did not imagine, in vessels you did not expect. God wants your heart. A heart in line with His heart.

My prayer for this reflection…

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51: 10-12

http://youtu.be/DwudqCO7mSQ

Often times we have heard about God not changing the situation, because He changes the heart. I pray that God would move our hearts, like what He did with the Pharaoh in Moses’ time. I pray the God would move our hearts and change it to whatever He deem best. I pray that God would convict our hearts to be repentant, that we can come before Him with a pure heart and a willing spirit. I pray that He would continually reveal Himself to us, that our bond would be strengthen by these circumstances, and that I would not waver in trusting Him for He has not wavered in being faithful to me; He has never changed.

May His grace sustain us in the things we do for God. May the Holy Spirit continually convict us to focus our eyes on the true prize and guide us when we wander from His love.

May we find joy and peace in Christ.

2014 goals

 

My Friday Bible Study group and I watched Frozen earlier because of a persistent group member who recommended it. He got us intrigued so we watched it, which we did not regret because it was fascinating. The ending was foreseeable because it IS Disney therefore we expected a happy ending but what I did not expect was how love was depicted. I am glad that Frozen has a timely moral lesson, something I haven’t seen since Lilo and Stitch. It has reminded us that there is no “love at first sight,” that sometimes we think we think withdrawing from people would avoid hurting them but it does otherwise, that love comes in places we least expect it, and that love conquers all.

Frozen was more than a love story. It was more than love at first sight, more than finding your true love. It was about fixing lost relationships, about being indifferent. It was about family. No matter what happens, no matter who comes by, nothing can ever take the fact that you are bonded with your family.

Frozen made me realize what my goals would be next year, since this year I have accomplished, through God’s grace, my goals for the year 2013, which was getting a career and focusing on ministries. God has been generous with both. I have prayed for a career where I would grow and love what I do, so far, I am loving what I’m doing and enjoying the people God has introduced me in my work place. God has also allowed me to grow in my ministries especially in music department.

Hence, here are my goals for 2014:

• Relationships. Renewing relationship with current friends and family, hoping for a more Christ-inspired one. Severing ties with people who are distressing me and my relationship with God.
• Ministries. I want to grow more in the music ministry whether in my home church or in the fellowship at work. God has given me two hands, an ability to hear notes and read them, and an electric keyboard, so I pray that he would use me.
• Financial stability. I want to save money for my future.
• Small group. I have been praying for a small group but only after I’m financially stable, but if God wills it on 2014, why not?!

Last year, I have 2 goals, and now, it has doubled. May I be continually reminded of God’s grace and may God be glorified in my goals.

Quiet time

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. - Matthew 6:6

For the duration of my Christian life, finding a quiet time has been a struggle. I would often plan a time but end up not using it. With God's grace, I am often reminded to communicate with Him even though it's just a spare time while riding the train home or while taking a bath, but in my heart, I know that was not enough. God is willing to spend every minute, every second of the day with Him and I'm here ignoring Him. 

When I started working for INP, my quiet time started to happen again. I'm glad because I've been praying for a stable one. I've missed talking to my Lord and Father in Heaven and it is such a joy to be learning and talking to Him again, and this time we're talking deeper. 

I've had my struggles this past weeks and I came close into becoming indifferent once again, but with God's grace, He has let me overcome it. I am not perfect but I have been striving to be more Christ-like in my daily walk. I just keep forgetting about God's grace, hence, my prayer is to be reminded daily of God's grace and mercy so that I would be encouraged to live all for His glory. 

Still waiting

 

The way God has comforted me this day has been humbling. My heart has been bothered by the “longing” of this heart.  I have been fazed for some time because my feelings were raging and signs were telling me that there might be a “possibility” for something “good” in my love life arena. But as usual, I was wrong. I was overly thinking and assuming, and it hurts.

I tried to restrain the feeling but as we all know it’s hard. It’s hard to focus on God when temptations come poking around. I know that compared to other people, this is a wee thing but for me, it’s a big deal because I have promised God that I would focus on His ministries and in my career, my love life should come after or after this year. My patience was tested but through God’s grace, I am slowly overcoming it.

I was so sad yesterday and I was so close on giving up with this “possibility.” I was decided in putting some distance with this “possibility” and I have decided on restraining myself from taking the initiative of communicating. This evening, as I browse through my Facebook, his name popped up and God did something through him that made me smile. For you guys, I know that it would seem to be of no importance but for me, it’s like God patting me on the back saying that it would be okay, that I have to trust Him in this one, that I don’t have to be disheartened, that I should always find joy in Him because He knows what is best for me. He has comforted me by reminding me that when I begin searching for Him and His Kingdom, I would find something more than I can imagine. His love has brought me to reality that I don’t need anyone to fill this loneliness aside from Him who is able to do immeasurable things.

If you are feeling alone at this moment, when you feel that gnawing ache of loneliness, SEEK GOD, because when you find Him and when you ask for Him to enter your life, your heart wouldn’t be only filled by His love, it would be overflowing. Talk to God. Pray.