I don’t care, but I do.

 

I don’t care if I have a crappy blog. I have written what I have felt. This was and is purely for my entertainment and for my sanity and you, those of you who are reading this are the privileged ones. (Or not.) You could see what transpires in this mind and the quirkiness of my personality. If it’s too much for you, then go click the close button.

Where did this rant came from?

I was, as usual, attacking my self-esteem again. I was searching for inspirations in the internet but it turned out quite the opposite. I have realized that I am writing a crappy blog. Most of you would tell me that I should be encouraged to strive and make it as a blog that I like it to be, but I usually have these moments when I wallow and stab my self-esteem. I usually have these moments when I get envious of their ability and instead of striving to achieve that level of ability, I go to my corner and curl up. I know that it’s a bad thing and that I should stop wallowing but this is who I am.

I am frustrated with the fact that I could do better but I am not doing it, or even striving to be one. I am annoyed with myself for being so lazy and for wasting the minutes of my life. I am so angry with myself because I am not using the best of my abilities. I am so ashamed of myself because I am besmirching the name of God. I should be Christ’s ambassador to all the non- believers but I am not letting Him use me. I am relying again on my own strength when I should be relying on Him alone.

I should be humbled by His grace.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. May my thoughts be shrouded by His light and may my heart be right before His eyes. Thank you. I guess I’ll be praying for you too.

Am I depressed?

 

I think I have a mild depression problem, or I just think I have one?

Here are the classic symptoms according to WebMD and HelpGuide.org

• sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day
• loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite 
• insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day
• physically restless or rundown that is noticeable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt

 

It says that when you have at least five of those you have the classic major depression illness. Let’s see my checklist.

• Yes, I get depressed almost everyday especially when I’m home. I listen to music or read a book when I’m down.
• I couldn’t think of any “loss of enjoyment” at the moment, but I don’t think this symptom applies to me.
• Major change in weight? I have to check this with our measuring scale. But definitely loss in appetite. There are times when I don’t feel like eating.
• I oversleep almost everyday. For the past months, I have been late for work and I have been trying to wake up early, but I just can’t. I can’t help it.
• physically restless? Um, I don’t think so.. but I’m itching for a new job. I don’t think people will notice me either.
• fatigue, yes I feel tired, but it’s normal because I go to work.
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, and guilt almost everyday, yes. Proof? Look at my plurk updates.
• problems with concentration? yes. That is when you have social networks around you. I can make decisions. But I have very poor memory.
• recurring thoughts of suicide… yes. The only thing stopping me is my faith in Christ.

I guess I only have the mild case of depression… *shrugs*

I find it really hard to say…

… I love you.

So if you are one of the people that I have said it to, I mean it. I can’t even say it to my mom. I say it to my close friends but rarely and some try to wheedle it out of me, which is annoying. But take note, I RARELY say it with initiative, most of the “I love you’s” I’ve said were for reciprocating purposes. I’m sorry.

I don’t say “I love you” back simply because I don’t feel it. I try to be honest in saying what I feel, and sometimes I think I should have a filter in my mouth. If you find me confident or easy going, I think I’m the exact opposite because I’m socially awkward. You can see me interacting with a few people who I’m genuinely interested in (most of them are book worms or movie and music geeks), I’m a dork in my own way. I’m weird and it’s hard to fit in with people who are socially applauded and accepted.

I’m always wondering if I would be able to find a lost soul with the same dilemma as I have. What joy it will be to know that you are not alone in this pity fest.

I think I’m still afraid of getting hurt. I am a coward for keeping my bottled feelings. I am afraid of risking my heart when it’s in pieces. I’m afraid of braveness because of its power and greatness.

I am simply scared.

I asked for Strength

I ASKED FOR STRENGTHAuthor: Unknown

I asked for Strength...And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom...And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...and God gave me Opportunities.
I got nothing I wanted...But I received everything I needed.

Funny how we think God doesn't answer prayers when the answer is right in front our eyes. This shows how minute we are, in terms of God's existence and still He pays close attention to our every need and problems.
His Awesomeness is Awesome!