I find it really hard to say…

… I love you.

So if you are one of the people that I have said it to, I mean it. I can’t even say it to my mom. I say it to my close friends but rarely and some try to wheedle it out of me, which is annoying. But take note, I RARELY say it with initiative, most of the “I love you’s” I’ve said were for reciprocating purposes. I’m sorry.

I don’t say “I love you” back simply because I don’t feel it. I try to be honest in saying what I feel, and sometimes I think I should have a filter in my mouth. If you find me confident or easy going, I think I’m the exact opposite because I’m socially awkward. You can see me interacting with a few people who I’m genuinely interested in (most of them are book worms or movie and music geeks), I’m a dork in my own way. I’m weird and it’s hard to fit in with people who are socially applauded and accepted.

I’m always wondering if I would be able to find a lost soul with the same dilemma as I have. What joy it will be to know that you are not alone in this pity fest.

I think I’m still afraid of getting hurt. I am a coward for keeping my bottled feelings. I am afraid of risking my heart when it’s in pieces. I’m afraid of braveness because of its power and greatness.

I am simply scared.

I don't say "I love you" just because...

"OMG, I love you!"

I know it's just an expression but I think those three words should be uttered with reverence. Before you say anything, I want to clearly state that these are my opinion, if you do not like it, stop reading and go to another blog.

Here are the things you must know about me before you start to judge me. I was born in a Chinese environment and I became a Protestant when I was in high school. I don't know if it's just my family but we don't often say "I love you" to each other.

Now, another reason why I don't say "I love you" often is because of the weight it bears. For me to declare that I love a person means taking a bullet for them, no questions asked. Also, one thing my church taught me is the love of Jesus, so for me, love is to sacrifice.

So, if I say "I love you" to you, it means that I will sacrifice some parts of my life for you. Why not, my whole life? I'm not a hypocrite, of course, I need to save some for me. When I say I love you, it means that I will love you until my last breath, no matter what happens, even if we fall apart. That is the weight of those three words for me.

 If I say "I love you" naman to a thing, common sense nalang diba? I won't take a bullet for a thing. Another clarification, this is not just a romantic "I Love You" this is the "I love you" because "I care for you".

So ayan, I just want to vent out.:P