I wish I haven't met you.

Regret

I wish I haven't met you, I really wish I did not,
I did all I can, but you let it all rot.
You made me believe all your lies,
Then you left me with no goodbyes.

How do you expect me to react
With kind words and a kind heart?
No, sir, this is my limit,
You've stretched me enough, I cannot take it.

What can I do, when you cannot see,
The things you did, the times you've hurt me?
I used to like you and your smile,
Now, I loathe you, go drown in the Nile.

Most of all, I hate it when you made me feel stupid.
You told me stories, but the truth you hid.
Shut up! Stop! Get out of my mind!
You're a memory best left behind.


* The result of seeing things you do not like to see, because it brings regret and sad memories. I saw a name that I should have not seen, and I remember things that I should not have remembered. Do you know Mouth of One Tree Hill? He said a quote that goes like, it's okay for him to take in the bad memories as long as he take in the good ones too.. or something like that... or I think it went like, give me regret at least I can have the good memories too. Well, in my case, you can take it all, I just don't want you in my life. You made it all complicated, you gave me heartaches and instabilities that you would never stand up to. You gave me stories and lies. You gave me doubt and you made me think twice about myself. I never want to experience that way again.

You might wonder who am I talking about? It's a very complex person, yes, I called it an "it" because "it" is a mixture of the people who abandoned me and I disliked. "It" is someone, who I squished all the people who made me sad for whatever reason, into one being. Get it? "It" is like a trash bin where all the trash is thrown. So there you have it, "it."

Books and boys

 

Unlikely pair isn’t it, books and boys, but that was the topic of our friendly discussion last night with my graduating pals. We hung out at the “pav”, as we call it, and started spotting and rating boys. Oh shush, it’s a girl thing. It’s our version of “painting our nails and talking about boys.”

One particular topic that I love is talking about my second most favorite series in my generation, and that is, The Hunger Games. We were talking about how it became a fad because of the upcoming movie. We were wishing that the fandom wouldn’t be like “The Twilight Saga.” We were hoping that people would see more than the romance injected and focus on the relevance of the characters, the Capitol and the whole Panem.

The matter about boys will just remain in our complex mentalities. *sniggers* Aside from talking about those things we also tackled other friend-relationship matters. How some of them had trust issues, insecurities and back stabbing instances. It was refreshing to hear other point of views and also a revelation of the depth of character.

It was a nostalgic night for me ‘cause I have been dwelling in the “real” world for quite some time now. It’s certainly refreshing. Wish we’d do that often and we would be with most of our barkada.

Oh, and my thirst for Pongta Korean ice cream has been quenched. hihi.

That’s all folks! toodles!

Classic thriller

“Psycho” was my first classic thriller. I have watched this movie because my friend recommended it to me and because it was the inspiration of one of his photography featuring… me. Of course, I was intrigue so I watched it, though I was a bit adamant of the satisfaction it will give my movie standards.
This was one of the most ironic moments for me. Do you know the feeling of watching a film with new computer graphics styles or has a 3d effect? Same feeling I had with this movie, but the irony was in the classic movie. It has no complex movie effects, no jaw-dropping computer graphics, nor head tumbling lines, you can see the glitches in the stability of the camera but you can see the rawness, the purity. It has this “new” effect for me. I guess I’m used to all the CG stuff that I have appreciated the simplicity of the film.
Frankly, I was demeaning the movie. I thought that I wouldn’t be on the edge of my seat, I thought that I would find other things to do while I’m watching the movie. I was wrong. I was engrossed with every action, paid attention to each word, looked for clues, tried to analyze the character and what made this film a “classic.” That’s why I can truly say that I enjoyed the movie.
It’s funny how we see or learn new things from the old. This is what the classics gives us. new things to learn from the past. No matter what, when, where, why, or how it happened, we could still learn  from them, we just have to open our minds.

sleepy test post

Another test post before I really go to sleep.

Test post

This is post is a proof that I have synced my blog to Windows Live Writer. Yes, it’s just a test post.

I passed

After two years of toiling over the same topic, hundreds of revisions and two advisers, I have passed my thesis deliberation.

 I am deeply humbled by the enormous amount of help I got from my friends and the heaps of grace from God. I am sure that without their help, this project won’t be possible. I have to thank my mom and my relatives for bearing me through all my failures, it has not been easy but it was worth it.

The jurors asked me to revise my work so, I guess I’m not fully passed yet but I assure you, I will graduate, no matter what it takes. I pray that with God’s mercy, my mother will see me wearing a toga and receiving a diploma. 

**written on Feb 14, 2012

_________________________

February 20 came and I submitted the revised edition of my thesis, the professor asked me to leave it on his locker so I did. Before I left it, I met one of my jurors and asked for the professor that I needed to see, and he said that he's around UST, he tried texting him and while he was doing that we had a small talk. He asked me if I was going to march at the graduation ceremony. I told him that I'm not sure because I haven't applied for graduation yet (there's a process before you go up the stage and march) then he insisted that I should march because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. You only get to march on that stage for that day only. I said, I want to because I want my mother to see that the years she'd put up with me has paid off. 

I want her to see her only daughter receive a diploma, in a toga and waving at her, looking at her with beaming eyes and thanking her because that day won't be possible without her. 

I'm still in the process of applying for graduation but I'm nearly there, a few more days, and I'm ready to go. 

It is still all surreal. I find it hard to believe that I'm finally finished with college, off to other challenges and surprises. Thank God.

February 9, 2012; acting with the eyes

You’ll know how good an actor is by their eyes. How they use it in a tight shot, it’s amazing. And then, there’s the voice. How they use it with different intonation, everything so convincing and gripping.

Yes, I’m watching “Sherlock” again, Moriarty, Sherlock and of course, our BAFTA winner, Dr. Watson acted spectacularly. I am so impressed. Boy, they know how to REALLY act. They're not even my brand of eye candy but their performance was so awesome that I can't get enough of them. 

Of course, the script was beautifully made, it has the right amount of puns and memorable lines. The moment people or fans quote the character,the writer has done a fantastic job. Kudos to the creator and writer of Sherlock, you did enormously well. It was bloody brilliant! ;)


Sherlock aside, I can't help but think how many people have duped me. How many have made me believe that I'm their friend and how many have told me empty promises. I'm wondering how many had the patience of enduring my tough moments and my attitude or how many kept track of what I'm doing. How many have followed me without expecting a follow back. How many have I induced interest in? How many have I inspired and how many have I failed? how many have I served? 

I am curious and naturally boggled. I guess you can call it "trust issues". I just want to know the truth, as they say, "the truth can set us free". 

Okay, now back to Sherlock, I am still chafed that I have to wait for 2013 for the next season. arrggggh! why?!!! I guess i have to watch Sherlock again and again and again...

Feb 4, 2012

Yesterday was the draw lots for thesis deliberation. I'm not endorsed yet but my adviser told me she'd give me one last chance. I have to submit all the requirements by Tuesday. Thank you Ma'am. Hell nights for me again. yay. Odd thing was every time I go on-line, no one is on. I think God is messing with my time to help me focus more on my work, what'cha think?

It's 12:40pm and  while I'm having my lunch, I'm watching the series called "Awkward". Watching the main character type on her blog made me want to type on mine too, hence, this post. Another reason is I remembered Sherlock posting on his own blog too, and Mr. Watson, of course.

This might not be the most followed blog in the earth but this little space is my breathing hole in cyberspace, also, a rest in my tedious,confused, and distracted life. For sure, I'm not the only one.

I have a prediction that I will be blogging more these days 'cause this is what happens when my mind is full of these buzzing noises. I haven't found my rhythm. Still searching for it.*sigh* Yup, still searching.

It's now 12:46pm and I will now resume with my eating and viewing. ta-ta.

Little Heart

Little heart

Oh Proud heart

Can’t you see how wrong he is?

Can’t you see that you’ll hurt yourself again?

Tell me, proud heart

Tell me how you’ll cope

Tell me what will you gain?

Oh pitiful heart

It’s too late to let go

You are hexed and so smitten

Take heed, little heart

You took the risk

Prepare bandages, start again.

Don’t cry, little heart

It will mend

Dust yourself, stand up, and begin.

** I have written this last year and felt like posting it, so here it is. (medyo untimely with all the stuff going on, pero it begs to be posted eh, I don't know why)

uneasy

I was supposed to meet with my thesis adviser yesterday but I wasn't able to. You know the term "grace under pressure", that's what happened yesterday. God gave me another chance to tweak my project. *whew* Thank you LORD!!!

Anyway, I wasn't able to watch the pyromusical either. We skipped it and played L4D2, alas, I regretted it after seeing the video on youtube. It would have been really nice to be there personally. If you haven't watched it, here's the video link.

Did you know that I have a weekly diary? It's sort of my planner, and a few of what's written are accomplished on time. hehe. I was never punctual , and I have to learn how to be one SOON! I think God is teaching me to be one but I shrug those lessons off, so yeah.

We ate at Mcdo pala yesterday and while they were ordering, I wrote a poem.

The Burial 

The night cries
of grim and murder
A body lay dead
Here comes the reaper 

A song sang in two
for the coffin 6 feet under
Lips are blue
Then a warm whisper 

"At the cypress tree
meet me, midnight sharp"

Dun dun dun... Yes, it sounded unfinished, but that's the whole poem. I'm thinking of writing the part 2. haha. By the way, this was inspired by the film, Sherlock Holmes, specifically the part where they uncover the coffin and discover that it was the ginger-head midget.

Since I was in the mood for making poems, I made tagalog poems as well...

"Pa-impress" 

Ang daming nagbago sa iyo
Pati mukha at ugali mo
Iba na talaga ang nagagawa
ng mga bagay na pang maharlika 

Lahat nasususbukan
pagkain, damit at katatagan
Ang kumagat sa pain ay talo
Pag di ka sanay, ika'y manlulumo.

and I made another one... a bit shorter, mind you.

Nang una kala ko masyado kang kakaiba,
Ayun pala katulad ka rin nila,
at mas malala pa.
Wala nang patutunguhan
and patuloy kong pagintindi
Mga palusot mong nakakarindi.

Yea, loaded with bitterness no? that poem was overdue. I should have written it earlier, they all came bursting lately.

I have this uneasy feeling because of my thesis and loads of distraction. One reply and one comment was all it took for my confidence to crumble a bit. My mind is stressed out and it's going to an "in-denial" phase where it shuns the worries and entertains distractions... like what it is doing at this moment. rawr.

I should get some sleep now, I shall resume working tomorrow. *sigh*

January 19, 2012

Ah, it’s such a comfort to be writing again. I haven’t written a decent story since September 2009. Well, I haven’t finished this one yet but I’m glad to be starting it. I hope I can finish it though… *bites lower lip* Unlike what I’ve written before, this is not a fan fiction. I am hoping to write a decent fiction… and… I can feel you doubt me. Sure, I’m not a great writer, but I can attempt, can I? Anyhoo, my inspiration for this sudden fiction is the series “Once upon a time” and some books namely, Divergent, Graceling and Fire.

It is strange to have this sudden inspiration when I am in a tight schedule. I am not done with my thesis and I am struggling to manage my time so it is really odd that inspiration should come during this time. I guess when the mind is working it can’t be help, no?

Before I conclude this blog, I am thankful for my laptop (still thinking of a name) in aiding me to write. My previous desktop, 7 years of age, was a fair companion but she was virus-stricken, thus minimizing the time for writing practice.

What else can be said aside from thanks and till next blog release? *winks* Ciao.

mercies in disguise

Blessings. The first time I listened to this song, I cried. Listen and look at the lyrics and you will know why I cried.

May you all be blessed by this song...

How my 2012 started

It's the first Sunday of the year so I spent my morning in church. Not much of what the pastor said sunk in. Sorry. hehe. Yesterday, I wrote some of my goals for 2012 and this morning, I realized that they would be awfully hard to do. 

First, I will try and quit some of the sites that i visit frequently. I'm going to focus more on God and quit thinking about my crush. I must read at least 5 books in the Bible and to have a small group, and.... i forgot the rest. hahaha!

Contrary to my previous post, I don't think I can go back to my "star". The year ended so as my hopes for him. I will try my hardest not to gaze nor look at a distance.I will simply not look.

 I'll just look above.

I came back

I came back, my star.

I was looking at a different prospect, someone who I have a chance with, but you reminded me why I should wait for you. You are years older than me and I am not in your social league but I have prayed for you.
I may be waiting in vain for you to reciprocate what I feel but I am willing to be hurt for you.


Ikaw ang aking tala
Laging suntok sa buwan.
Patuloy sa pag asa
maski bagyo ang lulan.

I don't say "I love you" just because...

"OMG, I love you!"

I know it's just an expression but I think those three words should be uttered with reverence. Before you say anything, I want to clearly state that these are my opinion, if you do not like it, stop reading and go to another blog.

Here are the things you must know about me before you start to judge me. I was born in a Chinese environment and I became a Protestant when I was in high school. I don't know if it's just my family but we don't often say "I love you" to each other.

Now, another reason why I don't say "I love you" often is because of the weight it bears. For me to declare that I love a person means taking a bullet for them, no questions asked. Also, one thing my church taught me is the love of Jesus, so for me, love is to sacrifice.

So, if I say "I love you" to you, it means that I will sacrifice some parts of my life for you. Why not, my whole life? I'm not a hypocrite, of course, I need to save some for me. When I say I love you, it means that I will love you until my last breath, no matter what happens, even if we fall apart. That is the weight of those three words for me.

 If I say "I love you" naman to a thing, common sense nalang diba? I won't take a bullet for a thing. Another clarification, this is not just a romantic "I Love You" this is the "I love you" because "I care for you".

So ayan, I just want to vent out.:P

Have a little faith...

"The secret of happiness? Be Satisfied. Be grateful. For what you have. For the love you received. And for what God has given you. That's it." 

- Albert Lewis from Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

My Bible study leader gave me this book for my birthday and I am grateful. I've read this book not knowing about how the content will affect me but with a small knowledge that it's about faith (title said it so.) Now, I'm devouring every page and marked it by dog ears. I know how people hate to fold corners of their book  but I have no time to get a book mark or a paper to mark my favorite lines. I don't mind high-lighting them but my pen is out of reach. 


Anyway, here are some of my favorite lines and conversations...

“Look, if you say that science will eventually prove there is no God, on that I must differ. No matter how small they take it back, to a tadpole, to an atom, there is always something they can’t explain, something that created it all at the end of the search.

“And no matter how far they try to go the other way – to extend life, play around with the genes, clone this, clone that, live to one hundred and fifty – at some point, life is over. And then what happens? When the life comes to an end?”

I shrugged.

“You see?”

He leaned back. He smiled.

“When you come to the end, that’s where God begins.”



“No. You can't work your way into heaven. Anytime you try and justify yourself with works, you disqualify yourself with works. What I do here, every day, for the rest of my life, is only my way of saying, 'Lord, regardless of what eternity holds for me, let me give something back to you. I know it doesn't even no scorecard. But let me make something of my life before I go.. and then, Lord, I'm at your mercy.”

"My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our words will always be sincere, our embraces tight. We will never wallow in agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.
"And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete."

“Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.”

“When a baby comes into the world, its hands are clenched, right? Like this?" He made a fist. "Why? Because a baby not knowing any better, wants to grab everything, to say the whole world is mine. But when an old person dies, how does he do so? With his hands open. Why? Because he has learned his lesson." "What lesson?" I asked. He stretched open his empty fingers. "We can take nothing with us.”



“A little girl came home from school with a drawing she'd made in class.She danced into the kitchen ,where her mother was preparing dinner.
"Mom,guess what ?" she squealed waving the drawing .
her mother never looked up.
"what"? she said ,tending to the pots.
"guess what?" the child repeated ,waving the drawings.
"what?" the mother said , tending to the plates.
"Mom, you're not listening"
"sweetie,yes I am"
"Mom" the child said "you're not listening with your EYES”




“Are you seeing anyone romantically?" he inquired.
"No, I'm not," she replied.
"Good. Please keep it that way. Because I intend to ask you to marry me.”



Can you predict which marriages will survive? I asked. "Sometimes," he said. "If they're communicating well, they have a good chance. If they have a similar belief system, similar values, they have a good chance."
What about love?
"Love they should always have. But love changes."
What do you mean?
"Love-the infatuation kind - 'he's so handsome, she's so beautiful'-that can shrivel. As soon as something goes wrong, that kind of love can fly out the window. On the other hand, a true love can enrich itself. It gets tested and grows stronger. Like in Fiddler on the Roof. You remember? When Tevye sings 'Do You Love Me?'? When she says, 'How can you ask if I love you? Loot at all I've done with you. What else would you call it?' That kind of love-the kind you realize you already have by the life you've created together-that's the kind that lasts."
"Like Sarah says, twenty good minutes here, forty good minutes there, it adds up to something beautiful. The trick is when things aren't so great, you don't junk the whole thing. It's okay to have an argument. It's okay that the other one nudges you a little, bothers you a little. It's part of being close to someone. But the joy you get from that same closeness-when you watch your children, when you wake up and smile at each other-that, as our tradition teaches us, is a blessing. People forget that."
Why do they forget it?
"Because the word 'commitment' has lost its meaning. I'm old enough to remember when it used to be a positive. A committed person was someone to be admired. He was loyal and steady. Now a commitment is something you avoid. You don't want to tie yourself down. It's the same with faith, by the way. We don't want to get stuck having to go to services all the time, or having to follow all the rules. We don't want to commit to God. We'll take Him when we need Him, or when things are going good. But real commitment? That requires staying power-in faith and in marriage."
And if you don't commit? I asked.
"Your choice. But you miss what's on the other side."
What's on the other side?
"Ah." He smiled. "A happiness you cannot find alone."

“I think people expect too much from marriage today,' he said. 'They expect perfection. Every moment should be bliss. That's TV or movies. But that is not the human experience.
. . . twenty good minutes here, forty good minutes there, it adds up to something beautiful. The trick is when things aren't so great, you don't junk the whole thing. It's okay to have an argument. It's okay that the other one nudges you a little, bothers you a little. It's part of being close to someone.


But the joy you get from that same closeness--when you watch your children, when you wake up and smile at each other--that . . . is a blessing. People forget that.”




“So, have we solved the secret of happiness?

"I believe so," he said

Are you going to tell me?

"Yes.Ready?"

Ready.

"Be satisfied."

That's it?

"Be greatful."

That's it?

"For what you have.For the love you receive.And for what God has given you."

That's it?

He looked me in the eye.Then he sighed deeply.



"That's it.”

More coming up after I finish the book. I'm just reposting some of the quotes I have read from the book  from goodreads.com

I asked for Strength

I ASKED FOR STRENGTHAuthor: Unknown

I asked for Strength...And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom...And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...and God gave me Opportunities.
I got nothing I wanted...But I received everything I needed.

Funny how we think God doesn't answer prayers when the answer is right in front our eyes. This shows how minute we are, in terms of God's existence and still He pays close attention to our every need and problems.
His Awesomeness is Awesome!

Para sa sumulat ng tula

Ang tulang ito ay para sa mga bigo and puso,

Para sa mga natatawa sa pick up lines na uso,

Para sa mga nagmistulang tanga sa kakalike ng quotes,

Para sa mga ngumangata ng quacker oats.

Para ito sa mga nagpapaasa at forever na umaasa,

Para sa mga kaibigang sa pagibig ay dalubhasa,

Para ito sa mga puppy love, TL at mga hipon,

Para ito sa mga gumagastos at sa mga nagiipon.

Para sa mga sanay magpaalam at sa mga first time,

Para ito sa mga “I love you” bukas, always at all the time,

Para to sa mga kunwaring humihikab at sinisipon,

Para ito sa mga lantarang umiiyak at forever alone.

Para ito sa mga may love life at syota,

Syokoy man o mermaid, maski bakla.

Para ito sa mga babes at pies,

Para sa mga nanggago at nagsabi ng “lies”

Para ito sa mga sugod ng sugod,

Pati na rin sa mga shy type at kunwaring pakipot,

Para sa mga emo at malungkot,

Para sa mga amoy gwapo at gwapong mabantot

Para ito sa mga mahal ninyong himig,

Pati na rin sa mga innosenteng walang hilig.

Para ito sa trying hard na sumulat ng tula,

Para saki din pala ito dahil ako ang nagsimula.








*** inspired by "Para sa Masa" by Eraserheads ***

my heart got dumped

Another one of my crush thingy rants. I never learn do I?

I know you know the scenario when a girl goes gaga over a guy, thinking that he's the love of her life but ends up CRUSHED because of her high expectations and over assuming thoughts.

Every little thing the guy does for the girl would bear meaning hence the over-assuming part. That's why I blame the girl for being an over-thinker but girls just want to be loved.

Did you guys know that there are thousands of sweet and fun and loving girls with great personality out there? Yet you brawl and kill for one sexy, over-rated girl. Ah, life's tragedy.

^Bitter. Ah never mind. I am just ranting and spreading bad vibes *evil laugh*

deflation of entries

I have noticed the deflation of my blog entries. From 17 entries on July to 1 entry on October. Would it be because of the lack of inspiration, busy schedule or another distraction?

I've made a wordpress blog and I haven't written anything significant on it yet. I was thinking if I should just dump my poems there? Should I? Just so it doesn't seem empty. hehe.

Hmm.. Time to rummage trhough my notebook and put some junk in there. hehe.

Off to wordpress, then. *winks*