Am I depressed?

 

I think I have a mild depression problem, or I just think I have one?

Here are the classic symptoms according to WebMD and HelpGuide.org

• sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day
• loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite 
• insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day
• physically restless or rundown that is noticeable by others
• fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt

 

It says that when you have at least five of those you have the classic major depression illness. Let’s see my checklist.

• Yes, I get depressed almost everyday especially when I’m home. I listen to music or read a book when I’m down.
• I couldn’t think of any “loss of enjoyment” at the moment, but I don’t think this symptom applies to me.
• Major change in weight? I have to check this with our measuring scale. But definitely loss in appetite. There are times when I don’t feel like eating.
• I oversleep almost everyday. For the past months, I have been late for work and I have been trying to wake up early, but I just can’t. I can’t help it.
• physically restless? Um, I don’t think so.. but I’m itching for a new job. I don’t think people will notice me either.
• fatigue, yes I feel tired, but it’s normal because I go to work.
• feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, and guilt almost everyday, yes. Proof? Look at my plurk updates.
• problems with concentration? yes. That is when you have social networks around you. I can make decisions. But I have very poor memory.
• recurring thoughts of suicide… yes. The only thing stopping me is my faith in Christ.

I guess I only have the mild case of depression… *shrugs*

Friday BS

 

I have to say that this is not about anyone’s bullshit that was made on a Friday. BS stands for Bible Study. I know you are about to click the exit button from the moment you saw the word “bible”. And I’m not sure if you have religious allergies or not, but I’m pretty sure you know where this is going.

First things first. What we have been discussing in our Bible Study these past weeks? It was about the Indescribable magnitude of God’s awesomeness. Our little human minds cannot fathom nor grasp the enormous knowledge thrust to us by our Heavenly Father through his unworldly works. What am I saying? Fire up Google and search for “the universe”. Who says science and religion cannot work together? Just the mere photo of the sun makes us wonder who our God really is.

Our BS group have been watching two films about the earth, the universe, and the human body. The speaker explained to us how far the earth is to its neighboring galaxies and how big the stars around it. He clarified that they were not the twinkle twinkle “little” star we used to sing in our nursery years, but humongous entities floating in the universe, gazillions larger than the earth. The sun, as he implied, was a speck of dust, considering that the earth is millions smaller than the sun. We are infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, insignificant organism in God’s grandiose artwork. If I were to compare the Universe and the unexplored heavenly bodies out there to a canvass painting, we, the human beings are not in the picture. We are not even in the filament of the strands of the canvass. We are insignificant, and yet, we are considered miracles.

Yes, I am on my way to telling you that you are special. We, the infinitesimal, teeny-weeny, not even a speck of dust, insignificant beings of the earth, are special. God made sure that we are special. We are tiny organisms that was designed by an awesome God with epic designs and details. Even our chromosomes were designed perfectly and intricately by God.

Here’s an interesting piece of trivia that will baffle you.Google search the word, laminin. Well, okay, searched it for you…

 

So what does it tells us? Like I told you earlier, God designed us intricately and knows us by each cell, particle, and molecule. He even designed a detailed and scientific proof of the uniqueness of each human being, and that is by looking into our DNAs.

For how many millennia has God reassured us of his unending love for us. He even declared it through his Son, Jesus Christ, yet we think that He is not good for us. Why? We have our own reasons. But you know, God is not a quitter. He will never ever quit on us. He will always give us an option to make a U-turn. His arms are always open.

Patience, wait, hope, golf ball, Sirius, Canus Majoris, Pollux, earth, sun, empire state building ; these are the random words that I got out of the video. Conclusion? God gives strength to those who wait and hope. He does not promise a smooth sailing journey, nor a 5-star treatment from the people around you, but He promised to give you the strength to keep you going on, for you to keep moving forward, and forward, and forward, and forward, until the day of our reunion with Him. That promise still stands.

Untitled

 

I was watching Life As We Know It and some guy said something like raising a kid is the most married thing you can get. I was thinking, well, maybe wondering, what if I had a father? What would my life be? Would I see my parents have petty fights? Or would I still be an only child? Would they be all lovey dovey and I’ll go and say “get a room?” Would my father be committed to my mom? What would I call my father?

But those questions will be left unanswered because I don’t have any plans of looking for my father. For all I know, he might be dead. *shrugs* I won’t mess the life of his family nor his children and I expect them to the same. It’s sad that I never got to meet him.

And before I get depressed… I will now read “The Mark of Athena”.

I miss you and it hurts.

 

Dear friend,

Have you watched “Perks of being a wallflower”? I have, and I cried. I know how Charlie felt but unlike him, I have friends.

I know that you do not read any of my blogs so I’m writing what I feel here. I know that this is a cowardly move, but I cannot tell you myself, because I cannot express it verbally.

I want to tell you that I miss you so so so much that it hurts. It might be the hormones talking but I’ve felt it before I PMS’ed, so I think this is a valid rant. I know that it Is not your fault that we don’t go out that much, that we don’t hangout that much, that you have a boyfriend, that we only talk about maybe 20 minutes a week or maybe less… I don’t blame you. Life has caught up with us and I can understand that. I just miss you.

Friend, I feel left out and I am depressed. I may not look like it but I feel like shit. I feel like a hypocrite. I always feel cheerful when my friends are around, but when I ‘m home and alone with my thoughts, I’m sad. You told me that you noticed that I get silent when we are with some of our friends, and I can’t tell you why. Well, I tried telling you but I couldn’t explain it properly. I get quiet because of the things that goes on in my head. Sometimes I think that the conversation is shallow, sometimes I think I cannot keep up, sometimes I think that you don’t need my opinion, and I’m sure there are some other reasons that I can’t remember.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this because I know that God loves an insignificant teeny wee and little being like me, but I couldn’t help it. I just feel that the world would be better off without me. I have thought about this a dozen times and I did nothing good with the world. The world does not need another sinner, another being who does not exude the qualities of a good and perfect Christian. I am a mass of disappointment.

I really wish that I would just stop thinking of these things, but I could not tune it out. Well, maybe I could, but only by reading and watching movies/series and thinking about God.

If you have watched Perks of being a wallflower, Charlie and I have something in common. We overthink and we get depressed.

If the forces of the world conspired to make you read this, then you know how I felt. The next time we meet I’ll just act as if you haven’t read this and that I did not blogged this. We would go on as if nothing happened, it would be easier that way.

Love,

Annie

MUSE - live at iTunes Festival

I have mentioned that I love MUSE, right? I'll cut to the chase and I will just post their epicness here. Enjoy!

Truth is I posted it here for bookmarking purposes. hehe. :3

Suits

I started watching this series last week and my adoration for Suits levels with BBC’s Sherlock! <3 I’m definitely digging the “Brain is the new sexy” line. I have also started fan-girling and I cropped these animated gifs that I got from Google and made it into icons/avatars. (Thank you Google!)

It’s official. Harvey Specter is my new Sherlock.

     

 

More Harvey-licious avatars to come!

I almost forgot about the pictures from my Effie trinket cosplay… let’s just say that I will post my cosplay pictures here when I feel satisfied with it.

Toodles! Will watch Suits again! Accio January 2013!!!

Reflection

It's almost the end of September and I haven't written a single blog for this month, until now. My attention lately has been divided into 4 groups. Facebook, Hexrpg, Graphics designing, and books. Internet has been addicting (as always), it has been addicting to escape the confines of reality.

Before the September ends, (no, i will not ask you to wake me up) I will be cosplaying Effie Trinket and hopefully, post the photos here. So, what has happened to me this September? Let me think... hmmm...

MUSE's album came out and I do not have a copy... JK Rowling's Casual Vacancy will be coming out soon and I doubt it if I'll have a copy... UAAP CDC was held at SM MOA Arena and my University didn't win. Hmmm, what else... I've finished Awkward season two episode 12 last night and was wondering why Jenna doesn't seem contented with Matty. Does she need Jake too?

As I've mentioned earlier,you might have  my presence has been felt in the FB Universe through numerous share posts and likes. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo with a verse on it.

Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 

(1 Corinthians 1:27)

A few days before I saw that photo, I made a status on my plurk page saying...

When everyone thinks you'd fail, it should encourage you. When they push you down, spring back up! Prove them wrong. 

If you think about, it's a bit coincidental, isn't it?  If you look at what i've said on my plurk page, it's about ME making my way and proving them wrong, while the verse says, trust GOD to make something out of you.

This, obviously, made me reflect.

Here is God again, reminding me to trust Him, to allow Him to take control of my life. I have been consumed by this world that I'm slowly losing sight of Him. God, who is ever faithful, who is silently watching over me, cringing at my mistakes, and frowning at the temptations I have not resisted. He knows that it is a tiresome journey, that sacrifices have to be made in order to glorify Him.

I may not have been the best example of how a Christian should live, I have been mediocre and selfish, but if I have to re-do it, I won't. All the up and downs have been a blessing, every twist and turns have been a way of God revealing Himself to me. Through friends and family, through quotes, through books, even through texts.

I may not be a perfect Christian, but I would like to be one. With God's help... I hope I can be...

Madness and Olympians

Two days ago, Muse has released a song from their album “The 2nd Law” called “Madness”. Some of the fans weren’t as enthusiastic with Muse’s style and were always commenting about the dubstep. I, on the other hand, was playing it on loop. Muse should be considered as gods of music. They are continually reinventing and exploring their capabilities in music. I am positive that the album will be an epitome of awesomeness. The previous album, “The Resistance”, has surprised me and has grown into me. It is my favorite album to date.

 

On a different note, I have finished reading Rick Riordan’s The Lost Hero and I am amazed at Mr. Riordan’s expansion of Mythology personalities. He’s like a spider weaving an intricate web of Olympians and demigods, like tossing a bowl of salad mixing the Greek and Roman deities in the recipe. I am absolutely sure that girls will swoon for Jason if this will have a movie adaptation. I am so looking forward to Jason and Percy’s meeting. Will it be disastrous? I have a big feeling that they will clash but eventually be the best of friends. Please, Mr. Rick, let it be not too predictable for me. I’d hate to be amazed and disappointed at the same time. >_<

I have nothing but praise for Rick Riordan’s works! I bet he’d be an amazing English professor with a bagful of stories for his class.

The problem lies with me, I don’t confront people directly when they’ve hurt me. I might have done it only to a few trusted ones, if you’re one of them, then I trust you.

Many have hurt me without them knowing it. I am one of those who are in-denial and too trusting people who would always come up with an optimistic side of somebody even if the whole world is telling me to not trust that person. I am one who thinks much and ends up curling in a corner somewhere because of depression. I am the silent jealous type who nurses wounds in the form of blog rants, art, or music.

Sometimes I resent my “optimistic” nature, I am tired of being depressed and optimistic simultaneously. I am not stable. I am not coherent at this moment and I am depressed.

Nakakainis lang ung mga times na alam mo na ung sagot pero sa mga tanong mo pero nagtatanong ka parin. Nakakainis ung mga oras na wala ka naman dapat na ikainsecure o ikaselos pero nagseselos ka. Nakakainis ung mga oras na desedidio ka na mahalin ung tao biglang may hahadlang na kung ano. Nakakapagod na. Parati nalang, kapag set na ako na mahalin ang isang tao, na magopen up… nasasaktan ako. Ayoko na magmahal. Ayoko na ang sakit sakit na eh. Ang hirap umiwas sa taong hindi niya alam kung bakit siya iniiwasan, o kaya ang magalit sa isang tao na hindi naman niya alam na galit ka saknaya, o di kaya ang magpanggap na masaya ka para sa taong ito pero sa totoo eh hirap na hirap na kalooban mo.

Hindi pa ako ready magmahal dahil hindi pa ako ready masaktan, pero hindi mo naman mapipigilang magmahal.

Feeling ko nagpagiiwanan na ako… one day… ako naman ang mangiiwan. kitakits nalang sa heaven? haha

Bleak, Wrath, and Farewell

Bleak

Thirst for joy and hunger for peace

The world gives you nothing; everything his.

Plead for happiness and cry for hope

They give you nothing but a piece of rope.

They say look up and open your eyes

Try not to drown in the pool of lies

Try not to succumb in the realm of deceit

Where everything lies in the bed of conceit

If I told you that you have to do this alone

Will you fight the madness on your own?

Or will you wallow in your fears and sorrow?

Will you extinguish the light for tomorrow?

Will you allow your cornerstone to crumble?

Will you relinquish the giants of destruction?

Will you brandish your sword and lift your shield?

Or will you kneel down and say you’ll yield?

Nothing will stop you, pursue your path

Regret nothing, face the aftermath

Value what is right and what is real

Desire will complicate the things you feel

If you have God, choose His side

He can see you, you cannot hide

If you do not, it is time to decide

Settle or hesitate; His arms open wide

I made this in the wee hours of the morning. I don't know what's the inspiration or the reason for this urge to write a poem... it just came to me. Another one of the poems that begged to be written, this was. I do not understand myself nor do I try, so I let the words flow out of my head and into my hands and they type. Anyway, here are the other poems...

Wrath

Summon the soldier of hearts

Brace the archers, release the darts

Bathe in the shower of asphyxiation

A torrent of flowery admiration

Chiselled promises carved in stones

Plunged in a fissure with broken bones

Pupils dilate with searing hate

Unending curses of the irate

Whisk the undiluted potion of pain

Pour it to the brim of absolute strain

Mix it with uncouth and the uncanny

Billow the Ares of gory history

Astounding dementia swallowed whole

Eyes of the weary, black as coal

Consumed by nothing but the dusk of dawn

Devoured irrevocably by the unknown

Farewell

Farewell my friend, I bid you goodbye

Farewell my friend, part ways and sigh

Farewell to darkness and abomination

Farewell to madness and miscommunication

Goodbye to anomaly and self-destruction

Goodbye to oppression and persecution

Goodbye to the hooligans and scavengers of gloom

Goodbye to you, my friend, goodbye to doom

Salutations to the governors of light

Salutations to the guardians of right

Salutations to the keeper of sanity

Salutations, warden of inner beauty

Release

Anyone who knew me knew that I had a lot of crushes but only a few knew of the “big” ones.” I have two kinds of crushes: the small ones, where I liked them because they were adorable or hot (these are the guys that my best friend and I called “play crush”), and the big ones, where I liked them because of many things… Let’s just say that the big ones were what you call infatuation.

I have a ritual with my big ones whenever I get crushed, and I am expecting to be crushed, because let’s face it, that’s why they are called “Crush” because they will crush you. Anyway, back to the ritual. I cried after being crushed. Don’t we all?

So what happens after this ritual? Usually, I move on. Maybe that’s why I cried, because I have realized that it was time to let go of my infatuation. That it was time to move on because he was not the one for me. It was time that I gave up any hopes. Mostly, I cried because I felt silly of getting my hopes up.

I wonder if I’m not likeable, or am I hanging with a wrong crowd and no one understands me? But I bet most of us feel that way. Misunderstood.

Whatever happens, I’ll trust God. He knows me more than I do.

SONA

I never knew that I would enjoy listening to a SONA until PNoy delivered one. The reports about the progress of his administration is looking well. I  guess it is true that he did give hope to the Filipinos.

Nakakatuwang marining ang progresong nangyayari sa Pilipinas. Maski sabihin nating hindi lahat e naireport niya o may katiwalian parin sa bansa, hindi mo maipagkakaila na maayos naman ang ginawa niya sa dalawang taong paninilbihan bilang pangulo.

Marami mang bumatikos sa kanya, hindi nila pwedeng sabihin na wala siyang ginawa. Kung may magsabi man na marami na dapat siyang nagawa o masyadong mabagal ang progreso, sasabihin ko lang sainyo… Eh, kung kayo ang magpatakbo ng Pilipinas, magagawa niyo din ba un? If ever namang kaya niyo, sige, tatahimik nalang ako dito at pupurihin ko ang mga nagawa niyo.

Bago kayo bumatikos, isipin niyo ang mga nagawa niyo para sa bansa. Isipin niyo din na hindi lang dapat ang presidente ang gumalaw dito. Kailangan niya ng galamay. Parang pakikisama nalang yan eh. Nakikita naman nating gumagalaw siya maski papano, edi tulungan nalang natin dahil aminin natin, walang magagawa ang pagrereklamo. Hindi tataas ang piso sa pagrereklamo. Hindi baba ang bilihin kung nagrereklamo ka lang. Gumagawa ang mga opisyal ng paraan para maging maayos ang buhay ng mga Pilipino, kung sa tingnin niyo naman maganda din ang mgadudulot, wag niyo nang hatulan at phirapan.

Pairalini natin ang pagiging optimistic natin kay PNoy. Di ko man siya binoto, nasa kanya ang suporta ko bilang isang mamamayan ng Pilipinas. sana kayo din.

Futile Hope

 

Being near you once a week is already a luxury for me. You don’t know how I look forward to being one feet away from you. This is where the torture starts. You are a tequila for a recovering alcoholic.

I swore that I would stop feeling the way that I do even if it was futile. I said that I am through with all the insecurities you’ve caused unknowingly. I know I should not pursue you but there is this one thing that keeps my heart fighting, gasping for air…

Hope.

Nauseating and sickening hope for the hopeless.

I have been wondering why do I keep hoping when I know it will not ever come true. I am bent on not believing but there is always a flicker of hope, barely holding but still existing. I am really sick of all these matters with the heart. Why can’t I be calculative or scientific? Why can’t I be devoid of emotional stress?

Move

I need to move or else I’ll suffocate.

I am not a good conveyer of my emotions when I’m in front of the people I love. It isn’t supposed to be like that? Don’t I have to be fully expressive when I’m with them? Why is it that I’m holding back?

I am making myself miserable if I stay stagnant. I have to experience the life outside my bubble. I have to see what the world offers. I have to explore my potential and my limits. I hate to say it but I’m not the one who will settle.

The problem is I’m tied because of my financial difficulties. I am bound to stay here for a year unless they sever my ties. I must admit that I am giving them a poor quality performance and I know it is selfish of me, but I can’t help it. I like the people, I like the hours, I like the liberty but I don’t like what I’m doing. I’ll end up hating my job if I don’t get out of it. Worst, I’m going to hate myself… and I think that worst has come.

War Music

 

“War music, beautiful drumming noise

War fire, wild fire, you have no choice”

 

I must say that episode 9 of GOT”s season two is the most thrilling by far. My  heart was hammering, my hands were clenched, I felt like I was in the battlefield. Beautiful effect with the war fire, rich with gore. The fear for death and the blood lust is enough to make my nerves rattle. I was breathing heavily after this episode. It was over whelming. Brilliant.

Stannis, the cold soldier, versus Tyrion, the brilliant lion, off to battle at the gates of King’s landing. I’m a bit worried with Clegane… I always thought that he was fearless. Now we know what makes a dog flee… Fire. By the way, I’m getting more amused with Varys, his banters with Tyrion and I really want to know how and why he was cut.

This episode was well plotted. I didn’t even long for a glimpse of the Robb’s war or the Dothraki khaleesi or the cold war at the Wall. It was awesome, in huge proportions. It was beautiful.

I find it really hard to say…

… I love you.

So if you are one of the people that I have said it to, I mean it. I can’t even say it to my mom. I say it to my close friends but rarely and some try to wheedle it out of me, which is annoying. But take note, I RARELY say it with initiative, most of the “I love you’s” I’ve said were for reciprocating purposes. I’m sorry.

I don’t say “I love you” back simply because I don’t feel it. I try to be honest in saying what I feel, and sometimes I think I should have a filter in my mouth. If you find me confident or easy going, I think I’m the exact opposite because I’m socially awkward. You can see me interacting with a few people who I’m genuinely interested in (most of them are book worms or movie and music geeks), I’m a dork in my own way. I’m weird and it’s hard to fit in with people who are socially applauded and accepted.

I’m always wondering if I would be able to find a lost soul with the same dilemma as I have. What joy it will be to know that you are not alone in this pity fest.

I think I’m still afraid of getting hurt. I am a coward for keeping my bottled feelings. I am afraid of risking my heart when it’s in pieces. I’m afraid of braveness because of its power and greatness.

I am simply scared.

true love?

 

True Love. What does it mean to find true love?

Have you seen the movie “Love Actually” ? well that’s the answer, true love doesn’t have to be seen in a boy-girl relationship but it can be seen in different people, from friends to family, and every thing in between. I know I should elaborate more but if you’ve seen the movie or watched the last episode of Once Upon A Time then you’d get what I mean.

True love isn’t only for couples but it comes from different shapes and sizes. From a Mother’s love to a friend’s devotion, it is undeniably the most honest and true form. True love is about being self less, giving up yourself for the person or that something you love.

I was watching “Once Upon A Time” , the last line uttered was… “Magic Is Power” and here I was thinking that “Knowledge” is power. hehe. Lame, I know.

 

-------

I just remembered a dream I had earlier… I was with a guy I was fond of, and he and I were with each other’s arms in my dream, something that would never happen in reality because I am what I am (invincible) and he is what he is (driven and popular), also, he’s out of the country. Anyway, we are still friends in real life.

Now that I remembered that I dreamt about him, my heart longs for him. The same way every time I dream about my crushes. Such longing that I could burst into flames. (well, that was an exaggeration)

 

-----

Okay, medyo kilig mode ngayon, I trust not one of my friends will read this so neither will my relatives. hehe. I was in the bank because I need to deposit some cash from our sales when I saw the manager. He’s not all good-looking swoony type of guy but he’s neat and somehow a “chinito” so he’ll do. hehe. wala lang. while I was at the cashier, he went up and looked at the deposit slip which was unusual since he has clients on his desk, or so I thought. ha-ha. wala lanng. the assumera in me strikes again.

Never believe in happy endings

 

Pessimistic, am I? Nah. It’s just the truth.

Let me justify the title of this post. First, endings are never happy. Why would you end it if you’re happy? Only fairy tales have happy ends, not in real life. So please spare me with all the mushy nonsense that love makes happy endings real. No, it doesn’t. Any practical man would see reason to this argument.

Let’s be realistic here. Okay, so you fall in love, get married, then what? Have babies, be torn with your career and family life. Get sick or grow old, then you die. We live to die. Only morbid people would love to die. Unless you are really religious and you would die for your religion, but that’s a different light to tackle.

We live to die. It’s as simple as that. No happy ends, just a rotting corpse, who was melancholically buried. It’s a sad affair. So now, tell me, is that a happy end? Yeah, thought so.

Aside from this bitter skeptic rant, I am pleased to inform you that I am not giving up on love. I’m only bracing my self, putting myself in a “no-expectation” zone, which is really hard, by the way, knowing that girls are all-assuming and suspicious beings. But typing it here makes it more difficult because I know that I’ll be expecting no matter what happens. Unless I’m a bed-ridden, comatose patient. (no offense)

As I have said before, I am in a continuous battle with my mind. The desires of my heart are gagged by mind which is really frustrating hence these senseless rants. The dictatorship in the society is suffocating, the stereotyping and the judicial glares of the world is crippling especially to a fee mind.

Okay, now, I didn’t understand what I just said.

Fuck this stupid mind. Fogged, clouded and messed  up.

All Heroes please apply

 

Quoting Ms. Jenna Hamilton in Awkward, “ … in need of saving. All heroes please apply.”

I am such a lost soul and any help would be gladly welcomed.

I’m blogging again because I watched “Awkward”, influence of Ms. Jenna Hamilton. I can’t believe that all she’d gone through would be possible in real life. It’s a fairytale, but then, it’s just a series so it’s all made up.  I’m still swooning over Matty. Every girl wants to make a good boy out of a bad boy and every boy wants to see some bad-assness in a good girl. I don’t think I’ve phrased that well, but you get the picture.

So why am I blogging again? I feel small. I’m not overly fond of my job, I feel inferior to my high school and church friends and I think my spiritual life is going down hill. I can honestly say that I still believe in Christ and all the glorious things attached to Him, I am just becoming too worldly. I am a naïve being, trying to find inspiration in this fucked up world, trying to see the beauty in living. I am a girl who is now facing a fork in the road, looking at faceless options, afraid of leaping.

I am still the girl who finds it hard to fully trust people, her heart was programed to give them a “benefit of the doubt” but her brain tells her to do otherwise. A girl who is in denial even though she subconsciously knows the answer to her questions. A girl who is battling with her inner conscience, battling the fears of pretentious faces and hard biting truths.

Thus, I need a hero.

I need someone to tell me how to straighten out this mess. Someone who’ll go through the process WITH me. I know you’ll tell me that I have friends and family, but I wouldn’t be asking now if they were there for me, wouldn’t I? I am not implying that they are not reaching out, I am merely pointing out that they are the types who’ll listen, I mean it’s good… but I need an understanding ear. An ear who knows what I’ve been going through. There might be some who are reaching out but  I don’t think I’m trusting them enough. Hence, my contradictory and clouded thoughts.

I am not satisfied with where I am right now, so I am calling out for help. Any heroes with supersensitive hearing or empathetic abilities to radar a crying heart?

Please. please apply.

Awkward, Green eyes and Trust

 

“Someone once said that it’s choice not chance that determines our destiny.” Jenna Hamilton, Awkward

Still watching “Awkward”. I’m on my  last episode for season one, and I realized that I like guys with dark hair and green eyes, and I know you wouldn’t find one in the Philippines  unless they are wearing contact lenses. Point is, I like my male protagonists with green eyes and dark hair… hold that thought, Alex Pettyfer has green eyes but blonde hair, so I guess, green eyes will do. I think this is one of the reasons why I like Harry Potter. Hmmm.

Another realization, Matty Mckibben looks like a Greek god, more like Hercules. Drool worthy if he’s in a suit…

In the duration of the 40 minutes I was watching the last episode, I was writing this blog and I remembered how I was feeling last night. I had this friend who I keep doubting and judging and he doesn’t know. I feel bad that I’m doing this to him especially when I haven’t heard it straight from his mouth, but the hints were evident and he was lying. You’re daft if you still think he isn’t. With that being said, I wrote an update in my twitter, saying that he’s a liar and I’m a fool for believing him. Then, this part is what when I get lifted out of the dark, (ugh, me and my dramatic connotations.)

A friend asked me what’s wrong. It was unexpected, yet, it was welcomed. I can’t believe that comfort can appear so sudden. From my crappy mood, I became my happy self again. Amazing how God sends people to comfort you, to let you know that there are still good people in the world, that it’s okay to trust them even though you have no assurance. I guess, that is what trust is about… Having to let people in your trust bubble without assurances, but with faith.

Now, I change the title of this post, from “Dark Haired and green eyed” to “Awkward, Green eyes and trust”

It’s amazing too that people doesn’t know the impact of one sentence uttered. Just one “are you okay?” question, can lift up a mood of someone, who’s in a crappy state. The knowledge that someone is taking the time to type those words means a lot to someone desperate.

I guess I am desperate. Desperate of someone to talk with. Someone who is the same with my mind’s wavelength. I know I’ve posted this countless times but I really want to have someone who’ll stick with me. We all do. We are suckers for happy ever after's.

I feel like I’m betraying my close friends for saying this, but I haven’t really opened my heart to the fullest. I may be opening a hole for them to come in, but I haven’t really opened the two doors of my heart. I am still afraid of the hurt that they can inflict me. I don’t have a crippling past and I haven’t felt unwanted just because I’m a illegitimate, but there’s this nagging sense that I am incomplete.

Trust is a big deal to me, I guess, to all of us. Trusting someone is like putting my life on the line. I haven’t thought of this before, but as I have been learning the meaning of trust, I’m starting to think like this. I am still processing the true meaning of it, groping for answers.

This post is becoming a long one, so I will end it with a thought.

Will I ever open my heart to someone fully? Without barricades and barred doors?