Since I have not been able to blog for months, I shall do another one.

I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw. 

With that said, I write my lament.

I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again. 

Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself. 

I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.

And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable. 

Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power. 

I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months. 

Future Someone pt. 2

I guess I'm tired of the games and the rules of society in terms of loving someone.

Being the predictable "me," when I am in love, it shows.

I don't want awkward dates. I want something that evolved from friendship. I want endless converesations and meaningful talks. I don't want shallow trivials. I want to speak with passion and of our passions. I want to know what motivates our hearts and perks up our minds.

I do not fall for outside beauty for I value the inner soul. Beauty will fade as so this earth. I fall for how someone thinks. I fall for how imperfect and broken they are and the humble way of accepting that they have flaws and that there is only one God who can fix it.

I want to support someone. To help them realize their dreams and be there when their dreams become a reality. I want a companion who can independently think but values my point of view and values my sense of liberty. I do not want to be chained into doing what I do not want or pushed into doing something I do not believe in and he must respect that, in return so would I. But I want someone to rebuke me when necessary, someone who will not tolerate me when I sin. Someone who I can be accountable with.

But most importantly, I want to grow with someone in Christ. Someone to walk with as we journey life with the Lord. Someone who is not afraid to bare his struggles with me knowing that we could work on it together by God's abundant grace. I want to be someone who understands the ministry that I am to take and pushes me and leads me to do everything for God's glory.

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...

... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Even if

I love you

Even when you are too silent

I love you

Even though you have hurt me

I love you so much 

That it drives me to jealousy

And it is unhealthy

This should not be

Love is patient and not jealous

Love is kind 

Love is self sacrifice

Love is accepting

Love is to let go

So I will wait for you

Even if our circumstances tell us otherwise

I do not know why I still love you

But the point is

I do.

I still do.

This has got to be the most scattered poem I have made and it is still raw. I don't care. I write what I feel. And I guess it reflects how confused I am right now regarding the matters of my heart.

Updates on 2016 goals and projects

I hate chain mails or chain messages. It annoys me. But I have decided to do one that is quite inspiring and uplifting. There was one chain post on fb that took my attention, well, because someone tagged me to do it. It was about posting a bible verse for seven days to fill the newsfeeed with positive and inspiring posts. I believe at nothing is more inspiring than reading God's Word on fb instead of negative posts like bashings or whatnot. 

So yea, I have decided to do it and I am compiling verses to post. I just hope that the people who I will tag will keep the chain posts going. Oh, also, I have decided to post it using watercolor lettering. So, that I can practice my watercolor lettering skills and at the same time, getting more familiar with the verses that I would be writing. Usually writing the verse helps me to internalize the message or to memorize it. So yea, this would be my project for this 2nd quarter of 2016.

*fingers crossed*

Another thing that I'm going to write here is I got to play the bass again after summer camp. I'm ecstatic to be crossing that goal off my list because I have learned how to play it. But I think I'd rather replace it with a new one... To learn "bass lines" and to be more confident in playing it. Weeeee!

Finding the good thing in my MRT rides

It's funny how something you detest become something you look forward to.

I used to loathe riding MRT. I hae crowded places especially where people could fire up at any moment because of an inconsiderate move. You have to load up tons of patience to endure MRT rides.

I escaped this daily routine when I got the chance to work in Makati. I rode jeepneys and sometimes I even walk. But the downside of those commutes were minimal reading time or none at all. There's a risk of getting your phone nicked or the bumpy rides would make you dizzy. Plus, you can't really focus on reading while in a jeepney. Even though I miss those short commutes, I am grateful for my train rides now. I am grateful because it brought back my reading life. 

My train rides usually take me 15-30 minutes depending on the traffic (yes, only in the Philippines) and in those measly minutes, I get to enjoy reading books again. Though it is not my usual reading pace, I am still grateful for the reading time I have. 

I remembered a thought to ponder in our BS one friday... It's something like... Finding something you love or likeable in something you hate. I think this is it. I hate my MRT rides but I am grateful because it gives me time to read and that's a good thing for me because I love to read! Also, I think MRT rides were given to me to exercise my patience daily. Haha!

Test post

I don't know if this will still be posted because of the third party thingy going on. Haha. Testing. 

Why Am I Doing These?

The start of my year was already a rollercoaster ride. I began the year with my hands full. I had to juggle my ministries, my sideline, my coffee dates, dinner dates, catch up dates, and my family. I am still figuring out how to spread myself.
But that’s the point. I am spreading myself waaaay too thin. And I still don’t know how to NOT spread myself thin.

I want to rest from all of it. I am tired.

But one devo struck me… I shouldn’t grumble. I should be thankful for this opportunity. These are blessings and avenues for me to know more and serve the One who I love and who loves me dearly.

So why am getting weary and anxious?

Maybe I am focused on the wrong things. Maybe I am focused on getting things done, I am focused on the people I have to meet, I am focused on the things I have to earn and on the things I have to give. I have forgotten the REASON why I am doing all these things.

“Why am I doing these things?”

That question is an indicator that I am getting anxious or I am losing my source of inspiration. That question indicates that I have forgotten yet again Who my source of strength should be.

I became egoistic and I started to rely on my strength. But even though I did what I can my efforts were meaningless because the motivation was wrong.
Failures came. I beat myself up for setting high standards. But I saw things that I wasn’t able to see before. I was able to see how God works through failures and our broken expectations. God lets you see your weaknesses and reminds you that He is in control. He also lets you see the beauty of having a church. That even though there were a lot of misunderstandings, God was still able to show the goodness in people. God makes people understand each other’s shortcomings by showing you your shortcomings as well and therefore we should be forgiving. I have learned to forgive myself and forgive others because I have seen how God’s mercy worked through all of those failures.


I do not want my weakness to be excuses. I want my weaknesses to be revealed and the works of God magnified.

I guess when you grow old, the less festive Christmas day becomes. Some traditions are taken down, some are retained because of practicality and reason. And as we peel off some of the useless traditions we see more of The Reason why we are celebrating Christmas.

My Christmas was a simple one. No parties on Christmas eve. It was a silent night at the Mayoca house. We ate our dinner, hung out at the living room, talked with each other for a while, then slept. Christmas morning came and it was as simple as Christmas eve, it felt like a Sunday to me actually. My mom was playing Christian music loudly, a call for us to wake up. We ate our breakfast separately. I played the piano after I had my fill of the morning food. My mother prepared spaghetti for lunch while I prepared the garlic bread. We prayed before meal and ate together.

Simple yet warming.


The most important part of Christmas was not neglected. We thanked the Lord for giving us Jesus Christ and that was what we were celebrating. Our Christmas was not as loud or as “bongga” as other Christmases but it was with joy and peace that God loves us by giving us the most wonderful present of all, the gift of love through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Let You Go

Slowly, he is replacing you

With thoughts of sprightly melodies

And fond memories

You were hurting me too much

Too silent, inexpressive

I don't know if I could

Still wait for you

I will only wait

For the day

When I would forget

The confusion and pain 

That I have dealt

When I was thinking of you.

 

Dear self, do not be discouraged. Stop listening to the voices in your  head. They are lying. Trust only in the Voice of Truth. Remember His promise? He will not leave you as you do the work assigned to you. Have faith and seek Him always.

Dear self, cry if you must but dust yourself up. He has promised His mercies will be new every morning. Everyday is a chance to discover how great His love is, so don’t be forlorn, He has forgiven you. Just keep on walking with Him, keep listening to His Voice and obey His instructions.

Dear self, I know that you are tired. You are struggling. He knows and He will not let you go. Please do not let go of Him as well. Take care of yourself for He has great things in store for you. Hope in Him.

Birthday post

Some people wait for the end of the year to reflect on their life. I usually do it on my birthday and it usually makes me depressed. I should be happy I’ve lived this long, but I’m comparing myself to the pace of the world and that’s the reason why it makes me depressed. I set expectations on myself that are sometimes too high and when I don’t achieve them, I get disappointed with myself and it cripples me.

There is an unending war in my head and the only thing that keeps it intact is God’s grace.

Every year I do a birthday post to remind me what I’ve felt and the things that I am grateful for. One thing is for sure… I am immensely thankful for God’s grace and His sustenance. I would cease to exist without Him. I am overwhelmed again by the love from my friends. They are God’s gifts to me. I will forever be wallowing without them.

What else? Hmmm… I did not do anything significant on my birthday except hung out with my cousins. We watched movies, ate a lot, and talked. It was a chillax day but when the night came, it became stressful because I was faced with deadlines that I brought upon myself.

What’s on my head right now?

This quote I posted on fb…

 

“The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed.”
― Maya Angelou

I am blessed and I thank you Father in Heaven for all of the pain and joy You have allowed me to experience here on earth. Thank you for the wonderful and exquisite people I have in my life. Can't wait to be with You someday, but while I'm here, please help me to hope, persevere, and to spread Your light and love.

 

My head is having a hard time to focus, my heart is in turmoil, I keep praying to God but I feel like my ears of my heart won’t listen properly. May God grant me peace and joy in Christ His Son. May His plans prevail and may I be more accepting of His will in my life.

Thankful

There are times when life beats you up but God lets you see the good in that beating. I have been experiencing panic attacks this week and it scared me because I feel like I’m going mad. But what I’ve learned this week was something God has been telling me ages ago. That I am not alone.

I have built walls because of numerous heartaches and disappointments but knowing God through these years made me slowly lower down the bridge and let people in.

It has not been easy. Letting people in is risky. It involves opening your heart knowing that people might break them. But God made me realize that in order to appreciate joy, we should appreciate the sadness. In order to fully know love and give out love, you must let love in.

I have been letting people in and as a result I am seeing love all the more. It’s a sweet experience but at the same time scary because I know that nothing is permanent in this earth. But for the few who have entered my fort, I know that our friendship will not last here… but will continue when we see each other in heaven. :)

A dark cloud has been hovering over my head for this past week and I used to rely on God to solve this. I have expected that He’ll just make the pain vanish or I’ll just cry my heart out to Him and everything will be fine. But He reminded me that I have a church. I have friends who would comfort me even though they’ve seen something that is ugly and disturbing. I must admit that I’m still uncomfortable telling people this because they might that I am just over reacting or just being a drama queen. God has reminded me that I am in a church, I have sisters and brothers in Christ who cares for me as much as I care for them. I am not alone. God reminded how the church works, that we spur one another and encourage one another. I am still relying on God for strength to overcome this. I am thankful that this is one of the ways He reminds me that He is with me through friends. Thank You, Lord.

I am also thankful for today because I got to worship with my best friend. It has been ages since we had breakfast and went to church together and I am just so thankful to God for giving us this opportunity again. May bonus pa! We had lunch together pa! I usually have my lunch with choir because we have choir practice after but I wanted to spend the morning with her so yay for today!

Tomorrow

A few may know that I've been depressed and to read something that echoed my thoughts was a relief. It made me feel that I am not alone.

I wanted to repost this poem to remind me of the hope that I've felt when I read this and to remind me that I am not alone in this. And if you have ever felt like this as well, know that are rainbows and silver linings. :)



Promise Me Tomorrow

By Fortesa Latifi

First, I’ll say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry for how many days you’ve spent

not wanting to see the next. I’m sorry for

how much it hurts, and I’m sorry you have

to drag that hurt behind you everywhere you go.

I’m sorry for the times when you don’t even feel

the hurt and what’s left- nothing- is so much scarier.

I’m sorry for how scared you are. I’m sorry for how tired

you are. I’m sorry for all the moments you’ve missed out on

while you stayed in bed convincing yourself to keep breathing.

I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Some days, I’m still there.



Second, I’ll say, “brave,”

which is what you are. There is nothing braver than

living through these days with the curtains drawn tight

around your chest and these nights where every candle you own

couldn’t emit enough light to help you find your way.

There is nothing braver than living through these feelings.

You are a warrior in an unsuspecting body, fighting every day

just to be. And I know-

I know how it feels to be in a fistfight with yourself, with your

memories, with your trauma, with your pain. I know how it feels

to beg your brain to be quiet just for a moment, to search for peace

everywhere, to dig through every pile of dirt, to search between every

page of every book, to play hide-and-seek with peace when it is always

changing the rules. You are so brave to keep looking.



Third, I’ll say “tomorrow,”

which is what I want you to promise me. I know tomorrow isn’t

something you think about a lot, and, if you do, it’s not with rose-colored

glasses. Sometimes tomorrow feels impossible. The night is so long

when you feel like you want to die and the dawn seems miles away.

I know. There are so many nights I’ve curled up in bed with

anxiety, who scoots over to make room for depression,

who always calls dibs on the good pillow and there I am,

knees bumping into the wall, begging them to leave me alone. And again, I’m sorry. I’m

sorry these nights visit you more often

than they don’t. I’m sorry they’re such rude guests,

keeping you awake until morning, leaving you scared to sleep lest they get you into

trouble when you’re not watching.



The promise I need you to make is this: We’ll see each other tomorrow.

Tonight doesn’t always keep its promises, but tomorrow has potential.

Find one good thing and hold it tight between your fingers and wait for tomorrow. I

know it’s hopeful of me to ask, but can I see you tomorrow? Tomorrow

is a place where things can be handled and coffee can be made and

you can have your favorite dinner. Tomorrow is a place where we can

figure out a better way to cope with living and tomorrow is a place where,

one day, we won’t be coping – we’ll be living. Tomorrow is where I’ll

see you. I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise.



Can you promise me tomorrow?



Source: To Write Love On Her Arms

Dear Father God,

It’s a joy that in a matter of minutes you have helped me in hoping again. When I didn’t feel like talking to You, You reminded me why I should be. I’m in awe on how You communicate with me and how You comfort me. I was starting to rely on my friends whenever I feel low, but You reminded me that I should come to You first. I am learning to rely on You alone and not on the people around me. You reminded me that Your Presence alone should be enough.

You rebuked me when it is needed but You never fail to remind that You are there in my every step… through good times or bad. You supply my every need and it is such a sweet sweet experience every time You talk to me. Thank you for these verses…

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:26-27

Thank you for Jesus. Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you!

A Mess

This is one of the moments when I would be sorely tempted to give up. I am tempted to let death take me and leave everything behind. I am not doing a good job of living. I am a walking blunder. I was given opportunities but I wasted them. I am not excelling in the things I do and it's sad. It's a marvel that people can stand me...  and I feel like they are just tolerating me.

I was never a beauty. I'm an artist and I can feel that my family looks down on me. My friends say that they wish they had my creativity but I'm sure they would still prefer other high paying careers than mine.

It's a sad life that you can't open up to your family, you can't fully open up to your friends, nor can you fully rely on them because they too have their struggles and you fear that it would be too much if you burden them with yours. They do not deserve to hear my wallowing and pity fest. It's also a sad thing to keep expecting friends to be with all the time because in reality, they can't. They have lives and their own miseries.

I am a sad sight. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was a more responsible person. I wish I was more organized and prompt. I wish I could be a better friend, someone who people can see Christ. But I am not. I am nowhere near Christ's character. I am a failure and I am a mistake. I should just give up right now... jump off a building or cut my wrist again and bleed to death. I should give up because I not doing anybody good. I only breed heartache. I am selfish and my life is a mess.

I am tempted to end my life but...

I will not.

There is hope. A voice in my head keeps telling me that Someone is not giving up on me. That even though no one in this earth fully understand what I'm going through, Someone in heaven does.

I wish I could be with Him soon. I really do.

Posted via Blogaway

I write for myself

It’s 12:58am and a couple of minutes ago I was wallowing. But as soon as I’ve posted what I’ve written earlier, I browsed this blog. I read last year’s post about “waiting” and about “letting go” and letting God, and it dawned on me that I am blogging not just for the sake of dumping my excess emotions here but to encourage myself and remind myself of what I’ve learned before.

I have gone through various phases and stages. I have seen myself crumble and grow but mostly, I have seen God’s faithfulness and love.

This is for my future self. Read this and be reminded that you write for yourself. You need not impress anybody. You only think of God, what pleases Him and what He has done for you.

 

It’s 12:18am and I’m feeling blue.

I’m scared of love and heartbreaks. They say that love and pain come hand in hand, just as joy and sadness. Why is it that when you open yourself to someone you make yourself vulnerable?

It’s 12:23am and I’m still feeling blue.

One of the reason is you.

I can’t get you out of my head. I see you in the little things and it scares me. I’m afraid that if you hurt me I’ll close my doors again and I will make myself feel numb. I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired.

I’m tired of building walls. I’m tired of people leaving… my heart is sore from these heartaches and I’m tired of forgetting God’s promises. I’m tired of failing Him. I want the best for Him but this is all I’ve got… a battered and bruised heart.

My fervent prayer is that I see Him every second of the day, that I may not sway from His Word, and that I may enjoy Him daily, so that my heart will have no choice but shine for Him.

Say Geronimo!

God answers prayers no matter how petty or how irrelevant it seemed to others. He wants you to enjoy life and to see how He loves you.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I noticed Sheppard's free concert posters at SM MoA. I was doubtful because, duh, free concerts are rare nowadays unless the artist is really passionate about music, it's a publicity stunt or an advetising campaign. Anyway, we decided to go because apparently it was really free.

The day of the event came and I was planning to go off work early. I wasn't able to. The concert was supposed to start at 6pm but it started at around 7:30pm and I was still on the train. Thank God that my friends went early and had me listen to Sheppard via phone. I was immensely grateful for that because I wanted to hear them sing live and I would take it even if it's through the phone.

As each song I heard Sheppard sing via phone, my heart sank because I realized that I might never hear them sing live again for free. I was in the taxi when I prayed to God to let me hear at least one song... just one song, Say Geronimo! And this is the part where I tell you that God answers prayers.

My friend told me that the set list was almost done, maybe one or two songs left. I prayed fervently to God, just one, let me hear just one song. As soon as the taxi stopped at our destination, I paid him and ran towards the music hall. My heart was pumping loudly because of excitement and anticipation. I heard the crowd singing with the band, I felt their energy. I was still at the phone with my friend and was telling at them that I'm near the area and voila! I'm in. I'm at the concert! They were singing their second to the last song and guess what?! I got to hear them sing Say Geronimo live!

What made me elated was the fact that God answered my prayer in a matter of minutes,  the song was just a bonus. He made it possible. If I was late by a minute I wouldn't experience the song fully. But wait there's more!

Not only did He gave me a song to appreciate but He gave me two more songs for encore! I asked for one song and God gave me two! By this time I am in awe. Even though the songs were not really God glorifying... the experience made me see Him again. It made me ponder of His love for us and His great timing.

This was a great night. I thank God for the friends He gave to make this more memorable. I thank God for the lessons through this concert. And I thank God that even though we forgot to take a photo, we had a grand time!

Oh yea, I took one photo of the stage but forgot to take other pictures because I was enjoying their songs too much.

You Got Me Smiling

Woke up in the morning
With you in my head
I thank God I'm alive and I'm breathing
Because you got me smiling

On my way to work
With my headphones on
I nod my head to the music playing
Hey, it's our song and you got me smiling

And here I am
Thinking of our talks
This poem that I'm writing
It's for you, I think I'm falling.



Inspired by the song of Sheppard called Smile. :)