2022 Updates

As promised from my last blog post and so that I won't forget 2022, here are the details of what happened. 

January

Achi Cherry's death was something I dreaded. I was really happy that we video called a month before she passed. I can still remember the call we got on January 26... it was a call from Shobe and she was crying, she said, "Achi, wala na si mama." My heart stopped for a moment. Totoo ba yun? Parang panaginip lang. I was speechless, then tears started to flow. I went upstairs to tell Achi Sheila the news. It was the saddest day of my life. I was looking forward to go to Baguio or kapag lumuwas sila ng Manila and ipakikilala ko sana personally my bf that time. I was looking forward to their next visit in Manila... our next food trip. I was looking forward that she'll be there kapag kinasal ako, but yeah, I'm sure she'll be there in spirit. The sad part din is we never got to mourn properly because of covid restrictions. She was cremated and we were only there via video call. 

There are a lot of things that I will going to miss. Kapag birthday ko, she will always ask me days before kung anong handa, then she'll greet me on the my birthday with so much enthusiasm na parang mas excited pa siya magbirthday kesa sa akin. I'll miss our chikka moments, yung mga kwento niya about mama and silang magkakapatid. Yung mga kwento niya about exes niya and the things that she learned in life. Nasa core memory ko din sknya is yung sinamahan niya ako sa hospital nung namimilipit na ako sa sakit ng tiyan kasi kakapuyat and kakape nung college. She had a big heart and she was one of the people na naamaze ako kung gaano kalaki din magmahal. I guess, she was trying to compensate din for her childhood, na she was adopted and she was appreciative of the minute love she was given, and she didn't want others to feel what she felt kaya she loved so deeply. Sobrang pasaway niya pero grabe din magcare. Naalala ko din dati nung hikahos pa kami sa mga budget namin, tapos kakastart ko lang magwork, minsan naguutangan kami. Tapos maski mas maliit sweldo niya sa akin at may binubuhay siyang anak, nakukuha parin niya magabot sa akin. 

^ Wrote this last March 2023, but couldn't finish because it was still fresh and ended up crying. 

So here's the continuation and writing this on Feb 25, 2024. 

February 2022

The month when I started working for Price Slide and boy, was I excited with the potential of company and another source of income stream. This went on for a year and then my enthusiasm dwindled, but I pushed through until the end of 2022, the projects stopped coming and I had to look for another source of extra income. But I'll always be thankful for this one because it helped me buy my current laptop. In a way, I kinda leveraged it so that I can have other opportunities using my laptop. So yeah, great investment of time. 

April 2022 - Elora and Mark's Wedding

A college barkada finally got married and it was nice to witness it with my college barkada as well. Nagovernight kami around that area. Had my cranky moments that probably the catalyst of a friendship ending. LOL! 

Leni Campaign

Went campaigning door to door at some place ( I forgot where) with my bf back then (now my ex) with his college friends and people from Gawad Kalinga. It was a good experience and an eye opener. Also, went to the campaign rally in Macapagal and Makati. Looking back, I was glad to witness it but at the same time, I think it was a waste of time... no amount of rallying would convince brainwashed people with distorted truth. 

May 2022 - La Union with Bf (ex now) and friends

Even though he's my ex now, this probably would still be in my core memory. I really enjoyed hanging with his friends and there was a moment when I took a photo of them playing board games at night and it felt serene and ung feeling of contentment to be with friends. They were great people but probably way out of my league. 

June 2022 - Eryll & Adi Wedding

My ex was supposed to be with me on this day but couldn't join because he tested positive on an Antigen. I think it was a blessing in disguise, kasi at least he wouldn't be in the pictures. Hahaha! Jawn, Ken, & I stayed at Sofitel after the wedding and had breakfast at Spiral with the newlywed. I remembered rambling throughout the speech and crying because it dawned on me that Adi is going to be residing in Palawan and I will miss her so much kasi nga we were just neighbors lang. Again, I think din blessing in disguise ang pagdodoctor niya kasi napractice din kami with the frequency of going out because of her med duty. After a year and half, I think we got through it naman din because of messenger and out monthly video calls with our group. Napractice din talaga ung group namin with video calls nung pandemic. Another thing to be thankful for.

October 2022 - the break up

He broke up through Telegram chat, but had our "closure" a week after. I had questions lined up for our last meet up and I was really amazed at how "mature" I handled it. No drama like going after him or making escandalo, it was just two people mutually ending the relationship because one person called it quits or more like, one person fell out of love and had been in love with another. I really think that he wanted a different lifestyle and I could not keep up with the lifestyle that he wanted. He took the route of falling in love with another because I told him that "cheating" is a deal breaker. But these are just my assumptions, what's true is we broke up because we were not aligned anymore. 

Sometimes I still wonder what he saw in me that made him fall in love with me before and was it really love or just an infatuation? Did he really fall in love with me or the potential of what I could be? I'll always wonder about this, but for now, it doesn't matter because we both have moved on and have accepted that we weren't meant to be. But I believe that we were meant to meet each other to give us lessons moving forward. 

I'll always be grateful for the time that we shared, they will always be cherished moments. I pray that he's happy now and that he achieves all that he wants to be in this life. Even though it stings that I wasn't the one who is able to make him happy for a long time, I hope and pray that his current gf treats him the way he should be treated, with much love and care, as he did with me. I hope that in the future, if ever we meet accidentally or bumped into each other some place, we'd just talk like old friends. We had a year and 10 months and they were mostly good times, kaya I hope no hard feelings or guilty feelings if ever we meet each other in the future. I dearly wish na we'd be like platonic old friends catching up lang. 

I'm also thankful for his friends who has been gracious with me lalo na when I have questions about him nung fresh pa ung break up. I was just trying to understand lang din where he's coming from, but I hope na may friend siyang blunt and would tell me straightforward kung bakit hindi nagwork out. They were just so polite and ang vague ng answers. Hahaha! Pero gets naman kasi hindi naman din kami super close and hindi naman din sila ung ex ko with the definite answers. I'm not sure if his friends muted me, but I'm glad at least hindi sila nagunfriend or unfollow. Hahaha! 

Isa pa na super thankful is my relationship with his mom. She was my "almost mom in law" and it was one of the things that I looked forward to when we were together. I'm happy I bonded with her while my ex and I were together. She's so sweet din and would make kumusta and would send food and cakes. She even sent me a cake maski wala na kami ng ex ko. I guess we are both mature enough din na we don't want drama in our lives and we just want to love and care of the people that we bonded with. But she told me naman din na if my ex would tell her to cut me off, she will do it out of respect for the couple. I agreed naman din kasi I respect din naman the current gf (maski sometimes talaga irita ako sa name niya kapag nakikita ko. LOL!) Sad lang if that happens. I sincerely hope not. 

Friends and Family to the rescue

During the first week after the break up, my high school barkada came to the rescue. I couldn't eat and sleep well. They sent food for 3 days and I lived off that.  I remembered that the day after the break up, they fetched me at home and went to Jawn's condo para makakwento ako ng maayos and to cry it off. Jawn also helped me purchase melatonin gummies so that I can sleep properly. It worked naman kasi I slept for like 6 hours a night that week.  Then, the next day, they sent food. I remembered it was a croissant and Pick Me Up coffee. Yun lang kinain ko for the whole day. Tapos the next day, they sent donuts ata which made me sad but at the same time grateful. It made me sad kasi "donut" was my pet name for my ex. HAHAHA! 

Thinking about that week makes me cry, not because of the pain but because of the support I had and I am immensely grateful to God for giving me such great friends, it was an enormous blanket of comfort. 

Pati din with my family, my mom was there when I had crying episodes. I would just go to her for a hug and she will tell me that it's going to be okay and that I have to be strong. She would tell me that it's just a trial from God and that I was lucky that it happened before marriage and that my ex was weak for giving in to temptation, and I would feebly laugh at that comment because it was true and a bit silly. My cousin was just as supportive as well, she would silently support me through being with me as I sleep, and now we sleep in the same bed kasi dati I would get sad being alone in my bed. Haha! Her presence and proximity was very comforting. It made me felt less alone.

My college close friend was also a great comfort and a close officemate as well. Their comfort was through chats and we'd go out to relieve the sadness. Medyo nag bar moments kami ng college close friend ko! It was fun but then my tita age would kick in and I had to recover for at least a week before I could go out again. LOL! My office close friend naman, we'd push each other sa arts and crafts namin, as well sa habits namin. We listened to the Atomic Habits audiobook and it helped us with our habits talaga!

In summary, God takes out people who are not meant for you but you will have lots of lessons. His discipline will hurt you big time, but He also gives you comfort during the trying times. Even after all the pain I have experienced, I can still say thank you Lord, and I praise Him for He is good and faithful. I am grateful for His grace and mercy. Hay, grabe ka Lord, pero thank you. 

Anyway, I'll make updates din for 2023 but in another post. 

2022 happenings

Ever since I purchased the Journey app, I started blogging there instead of here. I guess because there are thoughts that I just want to keep for myself and not the world. I know I could make this blog a bit private but sometimes I have this hope that someone might stumble here and related to what I've written. Anyway, here are some bullet points of what happened so far this year. 

- January - Achi Cherry's death

- February - Start of sideline

- April - Elora & Mark Wedding

- Leni Campaign

- May - La Union with Mico & friends

- Eryll & Adi Wedding

- July - first overnight 

- October - break up. 

I'll delve more on each topic in future posts. But yeah, I'm here again, because of my recent first break up. This blogger app has accompanied me in my heartaches mostly, so I think it's apt to write here, and it sucks that I have to write about it but I need an outlet, I have no motivation yet to make calligraphy as an outlet. 

And yet, here we are

Hello blogger, I think I've been happy for the past couple of months because I haven't blogged... that means I don't need an outlet yet. I'm usually sad when I blog. 

Anyway, 2020 has been a really tough year for the world, yet I am still thankful. 2020 made me cherish my health more as well as my family relationships... but it has been hard. Being cooped up for months also took toll on our mental health, but God granted us patience to wait things out and to still be able to live with each other. 

I am immensely grateful that I have found love during quarantine. <3 

Yes, a lot has happened, and yet, here we are. Some maybe thriving, but most of us just surviving. It is still a wonder to be alive. 

But here I am, feeling this feeling again. I have this feeling that I want to die young. I don't want to live in this cruel world. It's just so tiring. Why do people want to live in this world when we have heaven? I know I'm selfish in saying that I want to go to heaven so that there will be no more pain for me fully knowing that I am here on earth to share the gospel. 

This feeling is frustrating and I know that it will pass. I just need to acknowledge it and then let it go. God help me.

Take a Chance on Me

Would you take a chance on me?
Make me feel like your own
Bring me to your world
Don't let me be alone

Let me in and see
The depths of your beauty
Your charms and honesty
Your words, my security

Catching up

Hello again, Blogger, my old friend. 

It's been months since I have posted and frankly, with all the things that is happening in the world, it's not strange that I haven't been posting lately. My posts are dwindling but I hope I get to be here more often since it's quarantine. 

The world is in a frightful state not only because of the Corona virus pandemic but because the pressure it has put on people that revealed who they really are. 2020 started poorly and it seems like the new normal has taken place. 

So after months of hiatus, why am I blogging? 

Because I am feeling this gnawing feeling again. I haven't felt this in a while. I sort of miss it but I'm a bit disappointed as well that I am feeling it. 

What is this enigmatic gnawing feeling? It's the feeling of wanting someone badly and it hurts. 

I have been chatting with men on Bumble a couple of weeks ago because of the quarantine and I just wanted to talk with new people. Whenever I talk to these guys, I keep thinking, "Is he the one?" "Will he be able to keep up with me?" "Can he hold out deep conversations?" "Am I really interesting to him?" 

Chatting on Bumble and meeting new people is a bit taxing because it has a rule that women should chat first. I got excited the first few days but I got a a bit confused because of the volume of men I am talking with. I mean, it's not a hundred men, maybe less than 10 or 15. 10% of them wanted a booty call, but surprisingly, 90% does not. Out of the 90%, 50% lost interest or ghosted me after a couple of messages, 40% held out a fairly interesting conversation. But this is not really healthy, so, I uninstalled the dating app and kept in touch with a couple of them in other social media platforms, maybe four of them, I think.  These men chatted with me for a couple of days more and then the frequency of chats dwindled, until only two of them were left.

I'm not expecting much from these men. I mean, we're in quarantine and we haven't met and they are probably busy with their own lives and jobs as well. Maybe I was left with this gnawing feeling because I want to be committed to someone. I want to pour out my thoughts about life, have deep 4am conversations, or just get good morning messages, have plans after ECQ. And I wanted it to be one of these men. 

Another source of the gnawing feeling is my insecurity. I have entertained a few men before, but only in chat. Some asked me out, but I was either scared of the date or I just didn't like them. As much as possible I want to be honest and upfront. I would give you the opportunity to talk to me and if you cannot keep up with me, it's pointless to even have a date with me. I know that I have a high standard for a someone like me, but I just want to keep true with what I want. Okay, back to my point. I feel like no man has ever persisted in really getting to know me, and this gnawing feeling stems from hoping that one of these two men will persist and persevere because they genuinely like me, with all the quirks and moodiness. 

So yeah, that's the main reason why I blogged today. I needed to get the off my chest. 

Oh. Another reason is I want to revamp this blog, update the layout and banner, upload more meaningful and thought out content. I'm thinking of posting my artworks/projects here or just dump it in Wordpress, or will this be just a rant blog? We'll see. 

Challenges

Challenges can either make you or break you. I choose the former.

It's not surprising that this would be my first post for 2019. A lot has happened. Challenges happened. With God's grace, I was able to survive them.

As we have approached the 2nd half of the year, I cannot help but reflect on my challenges for the first half of 2019. Problems popped up in almost all the aspects of my life except love life... well, I think that one is really problematic, so I take back what I said, I had problems in EVERY aspect of my life. But I will not dwell on them too much for I know what will happen if I think about them too much.

But what I have learned through the hardships is "moving." In whatever state you are in, in whatever problem you are facing, you should always look up and look forward. Even if you feel like you are stuck, you have to still move, day by day, until the time comes when God would take you out of your slump. Successful people did not become successful by doing nothing. They moved, they initiated ideas even though many were against them, and they faced their giants. Even in front of their fears, the most important thing they did was to move. There were times that they stepped back but they took every learning experience from it.

I guess I am encouraging you, dear reader (or maybe me when I back read in the future), that whatever happens, hold on to hope and do not forget your goal. If you have achieved a goal, make another one or help others achieve theirs, and do not cease to hope for tomorrow. There will always be tomorrow until the day comes when we have to face our Maker.

Challenges made me who I am and made me learn more about myself and how to handle myself in adversity. I have yet to fully manage myself, but I am confident that I will continue to be positive and be joyous in hardships, for I know Who holds my tomorrows. 

Post birthday post

This post has been delayed for a month but for a change this year's birthday celebration was a good one. Why?

First point, I had 4 cakes which really makes my birthdays happy.

Second, I have been secretly longing for a surprise birthday greeting and my officemate did this without knowing my longing. So, yay!

Third, I got to spend in with my family and relatives, because it fell on a Sunday. I got to spend it with church mates as well.

So yeah, my birthday this year was not a lonely one. Thank you Lord.

But since I am writing here again, it means I have emotions and thoughts I want to release... I have been feeling like my usual optimistic self for maybe two months or so, but lately, I have been feeling bleak again. I feel irritated at people who I am not supposed to be irritated. I feel worthless again and that I am not doing my tasks well. I feel like I am not needed in the world and that it would be best if I disappear. I am sure my friends will recover from their loss... But will I be a loss? 

I feel suffocated yet I know that this will pass, that this is just an attack for me to lose my identity in Christ. So I tell myself that I am a child of God. Nothing will separate me from His love.

May God help me remember His promises and not succumb to sin. 

Hello blogger, my old friend. I am here again to tell you my woes, some old, some new.

I am in terrible shape. I am hopeless yet I am hopeful. I feel bleak, yet I know there is a Light. I feel lost yet I feel anchored. In summary, I am a bundle full of contradictions.

I am still figuring out what to do with my ministries, on where should I focus, or where I am called. Most of the times, I am figuring out where and when did I burnt out? 

I am on a temporary leave in the creatives ministry, I will be back in two months, and yet, I feel like not going back. Am I dreading the ministry? Have I lost my purpose and the main reason why I am doing this ministry? 

Though I am on a break in the creatives department, I am still willing to serve in the music team. God knows how much I need and love music. Thus, some questions lingered on my mind...

What was my motivation in serving in the creatives ministry? Why did it feel like work? Was it wrong to rest or even think about quitting when I felt I was holding the ministry, the projects, the people back? Am I just making excuses so that I can take a rest or because I don't like doing it anymore? 

Why do I feel lost yet I am still compelled to share the gospel? Why do I trust God yet I lost trust in people? Is that still genuine trust? Am I sinning? If yes, why doesn't anybody rebuke me? 

I don't know why I am so hurt right now... But maybe because recently, I reached out to people but all I heard was silence. I can't help but feel abandoned because the people I reached to told me that I can talk to them anytime, and I guess I have expected too much. But I will never tire in saying that God is faithful because He provided unexpected people for me to talk with. But still, I cannot forgive myself for hoping that they would be there in my hour of need. I really felt alone. It was an experience I would not wish to anyone, even my enemy.

Hi blogger, you might be wondering why I am back to writing here again... It's because I cannot trust people again. I am tired of opening up. I am tired of trying to explain what I am feeling and yet word fail, thus, they do not fully understand what I am going through. I am always met with eyes scared that I might harm myself, or eyes full of pity. I am tired of joining groups yet feel like I do not fully belong in any of them. I am tired of the struggle.

I wish I could give my life to somebody who needs it so that I can go to heaven and fully worship God without sin. But I wouldn't want any of my loved ones to suffer the aftermath of my death.

As usual, my thoughts were scattered in the paragraphs above but I don't mind. I just need to release them here. I will end this like one of the psalms of David...

Even though I have felt these things and doubted myself, I will never doubt the sovereignty of God. May the Lord continually shake and shape my heart into a heart like His own. I will continue to sing in the storm. Even when it doesn't make sense, I will trust in Your goodness and in Your love.

Singing in the Storm

I can truly say that the Bible does not lie when it said that the Lord is close to the broken hearted.

My 2017 was a rich year. I was not prosperous with material things but with heart aches, trials, and hopelessness. But as my life verse says, "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart; wait for the Lord." It is God's plans that will prevail, what we can only do is trust Him, His timing, and His process. 

Last year was hard for me, I had friends who drifted away from me, friends who geographically moved, and friends who sought different priorities. It was a lonely year, I wanted to reach out to my friends and tell them I am at a low point, but at the same time, I am afraid that I will only burden them with my "drama" as some would say, but God was still gracious because He kept a few close friends nearby, which is another testament of His provision. He knew that I would hide it so He used these close friends to be my support. 

In summary, my heart was aching and thirsting for the Lord in 2017, I became working for the Lord instead of enjoying Him as I serve. Ministries became chores, and soon enough, I realized I was burnt out. I ached for a mentor, and still the Lord has not given me one. But who am I to ask? When He has already given Jesus.

But my human nature yearns for a mentor. Someone who would stick for a long time, because I have been through a lot of mentor or leaders in my lifetime, and I have not severed ties with them, but no one ever sticked through like Paul and Timothy's mentorship. Sure, I may have mentors who gave an enormous impact in my Christian life but nobody was persistent enough to still look out for me. Maybe because some of these people were meant to just passed by in my life. I do not know. I am thankful for them no matter what, but I really want to have a mentor.

As my 2018 progresses, I am humbled to know that God used my 2017 to impress some lessons on me. He reminded me to depend on Him in everything, to always always give thanks whether I am on my highs or lows, to always cling on the hope that is in Jesus Christ. 

I remembered asking God in my prayers, how to deny myself and follow Him. Last year, I slowly understood what it meant to deny myself and follow Him. Obedience is hard but when you learn who you really are obeying then, it is no task at all. Obedience turns to love. You obey because you love.

I was broken hearted last year, but it was rewarding to know that I did nothing. It was all God's grace and mercy that made me hope. It was all Jesus who gave me the strength to go on, and it was Jesus who taught me how to still sing amidst the storms.

My prayer is that I can continually sing in the diffent kinds of storms that is coming. I am sure they are coming, and when they arrive, may my voice ring out one name only, Jesus.

Birthday post for 2017

Hello! Hello!

We are down to the last two months of the year and my post count is not improving. Oh well. Anyway...

It has become a tradition in this blog to post something about my birthday. This year, like my blog posts, it is not improving. I feel sad. I don't know if it's because of my pms but I am not as grateful as I was last year. I feel weighed down by the years that flown by and by the responsibilities waiting for me. Is this what "adulting" like?

My spiritual life is fluctuating and I am scared of the responsibilities that will be given to me. I am anxious of the tasks and the fact that I am accountable for them. But at the same time, I know that God will be with me. I am a ball of contradiction now actually. I am scared yet I am at peace. I am anxious yet I trust God will get me through this. So I guess it must be just the feelings speaking.

I feel sad because I feel lonely too. I am scared because people might leave me in a blink of an eye. I feel like I am going to die soon so I am scared to die without telling my loved ones I love them. I am scared of losing my mind or losing the battles in my mind when it tells me to do dark things. I am scared that people will leave me when I tell them these things. I am scared of basically not living life to the fullest and of dying without fullfilling my mission. 

Yes, I feel these things. I feel selfish. I doubt myself. I am hard on myself. Thus, I get depressed. But I also tell myself that we've gone through those dark time and here I am still alive and breathing. I try to remind myself to find things to be thankful for. It is hard, I tell you, but it will keep you hoping. 

Dear self, if you find yourself like this on your birthday, remind yourself of the things we are thankful for. No matter how hard to see the good things with the bad, still try, and don't forget to pray.

I feel dry

My post counts for last year was relatively few and I am hoping it would be different this year (as I have hoped in the past years.) but it never happened.

If you have been following my blog (or not), I have been blogging about what ails me, my pent up emotions. I feel too deeply yet I could not express it fully, thus making me depressed.

All these feels because of unrequited love, expectations, responsibilities, and things you cannot have. These are woes of the usual human being yet brought all together creates a gloomy sight, a hopeless case.

I have been feeling down the first half of this year, and it seems I haven't woken up to my reverie yet. I am still battling with hope and being hopeless. Should I love or should I be selfish? Should I care or should I be indifferent? If I choose the latter, my life would be easier but it would also be monotonous and cold.

Why can't I just love and pour out my energy to the people around me who loves me instead of longing for a love that I know would never exist? Why can't I work my ass off and be rich like other people? Why am I too lazy? Why am still having these thoughts in my head? Where has my heart gone to? Where has my heart turn to?

I am lost. I have been waiting for the Lord to pull my heart again or maybe I am running away from Him. I do not know when or how, but I am still hoping that the Lord will never let me go.

I need Him more than ever but I can't seem to talk to Him fully. I tried isolating myself but it got worse. I need Him and I need the church. But what should I do if the church does not feel like a church? I love my church, I love the people, but I keep wondering is this really a church? I feel bad for uttering those sentences but these are thoughts that have been circling my head for the past months and it is eating me. I have friends in the church but maybe what I am longing for is a mentor. Someone older and wiser in years to will patiently check up on my spiritual health. I miss those times when a mentor would ask how are you, or would give you advice you never thought of.

In summary, I still feel dry.

As a friend

I think it is better
For me to get over
We were not meant to be
I was foolish to see

I was blinded by your charms
My walls melted, I was unarmed
But you struck my heart
I was a fool, I fell hard

And now that I am mending
I am slowly stacking and building
Walls that one day would fall again
To a lad who would only see me
As a friend.

I used to believe that people would really take up on their promise when they say that they are there for  you or that they would keep in touch. Some would really be there for you but you could only count them with your one hand. Most of them rarely do that. Even I have a problem keeping in touch.

I'm in a phase when I'd rather isolate myself than to hope and be hurt. I would rather be alone than endure petty talks. I am struggling whether to keep reaching out or to stop pestering them with my petty updates or comments. I am struggling to be loving instead of indifferent. I am struggling to be independent and not be needy. I am struggling with a lot of things and it infuriates me that I have not been improving. I seemed to be getting worse.

I would love to tell you how the first half of my year was but I am not ready to recall those frightful months. I am grateful for what happened and it is supposed to mold me, but *sigh* Let's just say if you would summarize the first half of the year in one word, it would be... drought.

Even so, God has been and is always faithful. He will always be.

Since I have not been able to blog for months, I shall do another one.

I cannot fully express my thoughts on this one and to do so will be deviation of the purpose of a blog. But since this has been my online diary, I could not care less if this blog has been informative or just a site full of emo shit. I do not care. I write what I feel and I write the things that are true in my heart. Every things here is raw. 

With that said, I write my lament.

I have written a couple of posts pertaining to my heart aches. Looking back, I have learned a lot about what it means to reaally love someone of just be infatuated with someone. I have learned as well that God is a jealous God. He does not like it when we have idols in our hearts. So in my observation with my past "love interests," I have realised that when I become engrossed with that person, God takes them away or God reveals something about them that makes me turn to Him again. 

Do not get me wrong, I love how God is patient with me. I love how faithful and how lavish our God is. But I wish I was more patient and loving with myself. 

I hated myself everytime I fall hard. I hated myself for crossing boundaries. I hated myself for repeating past mistakes and for allowing myself to wallow in them. I hated myself for being such a ball of emotions. I hate myself. Period.

And it marvels me how God can love creatures such as I, so underserving of His love. It perplexes me how a magnificent God can love such a trash like me. This goes to show that His love is unfathomable and indescribable. 

Instead of me berrating myself, I ended up praising Him. That, my friends, is His awesome power. 

I shall stop because my points are becoming incoherrent and would continue to be if go on. Until next blog, which I hope would be in the next days and not months. 

Future Someone pt. 2

I guess I'm tired of the games and the rules of society in terms of loving someone.

Being the predictable "me," when I am in love, it shows.

I don't want awkward dates. I want something that evolved from friendship. I want endless converesations and meaningful talks. I don't want shallow trivials. I want to speak with passion and of our passions. I want to know what motivates our hearts and perks up our minds.

I do not fall for outside beauty for I value the inner soul. Beauty will fade as so this earth. I fall for how someone thinks. I fall for how imperfect and broken they are and the humble way of accepting that they have flaws and that there is only one God who can fix it.

I want to support someone. To help them realize their dreams and be there when their dreams become a reality. I want a companion who can independently think but values my point of view and values my sense of liberty. I do not want to be chained into doing what I do not want or pushed into doing something I do not believe in and he must respect that, in return so would I. But I want someone to rebuke me when necessary, someone who will not tolerate me when I sin. Someone who I can be accountable with.

But most importantly, I want to grow with someone in Christ. Someone to walk with as we journey life with the Lord. Someone who is not afraid to bare his struggles with me knowing that we could work on it together by God's abundant grace. I want to be someone who understands the ministry that I am to take and pushes me and leads me to do everything for God's glory.

Future someone

I am reading Me Before You and I am in tears. I am not even half way through but I am in love with Will's character and I know that he is bound to break my heart. But nevermind the book, I just had a thought about my future someone.

There are times when you wanted to share something to someone because it was sort of an epiphany. I thought of one person.  As I was reading earlier I remembered wishing that my future someone would be as thoughtful as Will. Because just like Lou, I'm not fond of expensive gifts especially if they have no meaning or thought behind it. I am fond of gifts that has relevance for both of me and the giver. I like gifts that I could use and think of the giver whenever I use it. 

This book reminded me what I wanted in my future special someone...

... Someone I would never tire talking with. Someone who has a love for music, books, and God. Someone who is Christ-like or who strives to be Christ-like. Someone who understand me when I have my episodes. Someone who is not afraid to let down their walls. Someone who knows their identity and someone who doesn't need me to complete him. Someone who can accompany me in my world as well as take me into his. Someone who will never let me second guess my worth. Someone who can accept my artistic nature. Someone who can see past my physical form. Someone who can converse with my soul. Someone who can accept me as me and not mold me into someone they want. Someone who loves God more than me.

Even if

I love you

Even when you are too silent

I love you

Even though you have hurt me

I love you so much 

That it drives me to jealousy

And it is unhealthy

This should not be

Love is patient and not jealous

Love is kind 

Love is self sacrifice

Love is accepting

Love is to let go

So I will wait for you

Even if our circumstances tell us otherwise

I do not know why I still love you

But the point is

I do.

I still do.

This has got to be the most scattered poem I have made and it is still raw. I don't care. I write what I feel. And I guess it reflects how confused I am right now regarding the matters of my heart.

Updates on 2016 goals and projects

I hate chain mails or chain messages. It annoys me. But I have decided to do one that is quite inspiring and uplifting. There was one chain post on fb that took my attention, well, because someone tagged me to do it. It was about posting a bible verse for seven days to fill the newsfeeed with positive and inspiring posts. I believe at nothing is more inspiring than reading God's Word on fb instead of negative posts like bashings or whatnot. 

So yea, I have decided to do it and I am compiling verses to post. I just hope that the people who I will tag will keep the chain posts going. Oh, also, I have decided to post it using watercolor lettering. So, that I can practice my watercolor lettering skills and at the same time, getting more familiar with the verses that I would be writing. Usually writing the verse helps me to internalize the message or to memorize it. So yea, this would be my project for this 2nd quarter of 2016.

*fingers crossed*

Another thing that I'm going to write here is I got to play the bass again after summer camp. I'm ecstatic to be crossing that goal off my list because I have learned how to play it. But I think I'd rather replace it with a new one... To learn "bass lines" and to be more confident in playing it. Weeeee!

Finding the good thing in my MRT rides

It's funny how something you detest become something you look forward to.

I used to loathe riding MRT. I hae crowded places especially where people could fire up at any moment because of an inconsiderate move. You have to load up tons of patience to endure MRT rides.

I escaped this daily routine when I got the chance to work in Makati. I rode jeepneys and sometimes I even walk. But the downside of those commutes were minimal reading time or none at all. There's a risk of getting your phone nicked or the bumpy rides would make you dizzy. Plus, you can't really focus on reading while in a jeepney. Even though I miss those short commutes, I am grateful for my train rides now. I am grateful because it brought back my reading life. 

My train rides usually take me 15-30 minutes depending on the traffic (yes, only in the Philippines) and in those measly minutes, I get to enjoy reading books again. Though it is not my usual reading pace, I am still grateful for the reading time I have. 

I remembered a thought to ponder in our BS one friday... It's something like... Finding something you love or likeable in something you hate. I think this is it. I hate my MRT rides but I am grateful because it gives me time to read and that's a good thing for me because I love to read! Also, I think MRT rides were given to me to exercise my patience daily. Haha!

Test post

I don't know if this will still be posted because of the third party thingy going on. Haha. Testing.